Argument95【07-10G Superstar大帖】7.24 by Huaxinluobo

huaxinluoboUID: 2326780

In this argument the speaker suggests that budget for county-funded public school be decreased. To get support the speaker shows three factors to prove that enrollment in public school will not increase or even decrease. However, after scrutiny, I find it suffering from a few flaws.

Firstly, the memo assume that number of student will not increase rapidly based on the fact that couples without children who are moving into Sophia County(SC) is rising. But, this can not prove that number of students will not increase for the situation about couples moving into SC with children is unknown. It is entirely possible that many couples that have children who need to attend school are moving into SC, in which case the demand for school will definitely increase and the conclusion be suspicious.

Secondly, the memo unfairly assume that enrollment of public school will not increase, or decrease because enrollment in private school is increasing. Again, the memo fails to prove it. Without enough evidence, it is possible that the enrollment in both public school and private school is increasing, which, if true, can detriment the conclusion.

Thirdly, the memo concludes that more parents will educate children in home than sending children to schools based on a statewide survey. But it is unconvincing. On one hand, opinion’s parents in SC may not be same as those who participated in the survey and maybe parents in SC all prefer to send their children to schools. On the other hand, 10 percents is only a small proportion, which means most parent like their children attend school and the enrollment in school are not likely to decrease.

Finally, the memo get to the conclusion too hastily by claiming that new school buildings is not needed and budget for public school should be decreased, even if the enrollment in public school will decrease because there may be other factors that require more money and new buildings in public schools. Maybe the old building are obsolete or in bad condition, or maybe new equipment in classes is needed, or maybe salary for teacher need to be increased , in any of the possibilities, the budget should be increased and in certain cases new buildings need to be constructed.

To sum up, the suggestion is unconvincing due to several unsubstantiated assumptions. To make it more convincing, the memo need to prove that the enrollment in public school will not decrease and that not other factor that demand more money or new buildings exists.

gyyxUID: 2290150

占下，明天批

desirermimiUID: 2108321

Argument95【07-10G Superstar大帖】7.24 by Huaxinluobo

In this argument the speaker suggests that budget for county-funded public school be decreased. To get support the speaker shows three factors to prove that enrollment in public school will not increase or even decrease. However, after scrutiny, I find it suffering from a few flaws.

Firstly, the memo assume that [the]number of student will not increase rapidly based on the fact that couples without children who are moving into Sophia County(SC) is rising. But, this can not prove that [the,应该是the number of, or numbers of ]number of students will not increase for the situation about couples moving into SC with children is unknown. It is entirely possible that many couples that have children who need to attend school are moving into SC, in which case the demand for school will definitely increase and the conclusion be suspicious.[the conclusion be suspicious 语法不对，首先它的谓语并不是前面的the school，当然不能共用助动词will,而且这句话我觉得应该单独成句，否则跟在他the demand for school will definitely is increase 后面显得不伦不类。比如可以说If the speaker does not provide more information about the number of students who are brought into SC by their parents, we will suspicious his conclusion which comes from assumption.]

Secondly, the memo unfairly assume that enrollment of public school will not increase, or decrease because enrollment in private school is increasing. Again, the memo fails to prove it. Without enough evidence, it is possible that the enrollment in both public school and private school is increasing[这句话还可以说甚至公立学校比私立学校更多，可以改为it’s possible that the enrollment number of public school is the same as or more than the private school, which, if true, may result the need for public school rapidly increases. Thus, the conclusion is ungrounded unless the author can rule out these possibilities.]which, if true, can detriment the conclusion.

Thirdly, the memo concludes that more parents will educate children in home than sending children to schools ba
sed on a statewide survey. [这个句式改一下，要不整个篇幅都是这样开头，比较单调。可以是Thirdly, as to the survey, the fact, that parents who prefers to send their children to home schooling than to public school is over 10 percentage, does convince us SC should not construct the new school and decrease the budget. ]But it is unconvincing. On one hand, opinion’s parents[太中国化了吧？持有意见的父母。改为parents who has the opinion about children should go home schooling instead of public schooling ] in SC may not be[the] same as those who participated in the survey and maybe parents in SC all prefer to send their children to [public]schools.[你这句话是想说，持有意见的父母不一定是参与调查的父母吗？可是好象表达得不够清楚呢。] On the other hand, 10 percents is only a small proportion, which means most parent like their children attend school and the enrollment in school are not likely to decrease. [这一段的结构和语句表达都有些问题，需修改。这一段都可以合成说10 percents, on which the survey conclusion depends, is so small that lacks of representative. Maybe the students are handicapped whose activity are inconvenient, so their parents would like to keep them home in order to take care of them anytime. Those parents who have healthy children would prefer them to go to public school where they can accept all-around education. ]

Finally, the memo get to the conclusion too hastily by claiming that new school buildings is not needed and budget for public school should be decreased, even if the enrollment in public school will decrease because there may be other factors that require more money and new buildings in public schools. Maybe the old building are obsolete or in bad condition, or maybe new equipment in classes is needed, or maybe salary for teacher need to be increased , in any of the possibilities, the budget should be increased and in certain cases new buildings need to be constructed. [这一段不错]

To sum up, the suggestion is unconvincing due to several unsubstantiated assumptions. To make it more convincing, the memo need to prove that the enrollment in public school will not decrease[increase]and that not other factor that demand more money or new buildings exists.

[小结：行文流畅，非常棒！连接语简洁明了！
各段论述还应更加深入些，加油！]


[ 本帖最后由 desirermimi 于 2007-7-26 10:57 编辑 ]