求助好心人点评一下作文

tywfeiUID: 2300243

看了ETS的官方指导书后，磨蹭了半天写的第一篇文章，想大致敲定一下写的风格...自读书以来就不太会写作文，所以现在对写出来的东西也不太有自信，希望有经验的好心人帮忙点评一下，不甚感激...:)
  topic:
  People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

我的作文：
       As the development of the society, more and more people prefer to attend college. These people include not only the students who just graduate from high school, but also the people who have been working for a long time. Then what cause them make such preference? As long as I concern, it is due to several main purposes, which will be explained by the following discussions.
     Firstly, experience the campus life. This is especially true for the teenage students who just graduate from high school. A major of them have been longing for the life of the campus, which they image and has been told by their teachers and parents nice and wonderful. When I was in high school, my math teacher always talked to us the happy time he experienced in college, which encouraged us to study hard for attending a good college. After I became a university student, many high-school students frequently ask me about my college life, and expressed their desire to attend college.
     Secondly, to get an advantage position in the future. As the competition of current society becoming more and more serious, the one who hold the high-tech or advanced knowledge will be more competitive, and will more likely to be success. More and more high-school students are conscious of that attending college, especially an excellent college, would benefit them in the competition when they search for jobs in the future. What’s more, more and more large companies have announced that they tend to employ the applicants who have been educated in the university. And this is the reason why many people have been working for a long time return to the college.
     Finally, to do research and pursue knowledge. Many people are fond of academic researches, and want to be one professor of certain field. College is the perfect place for them, which provides them a great of resources and protects them from disturbance from the outside world.

mayanzhuoUID: 2304007

我曾经有找过国外语言课老师改过作文,他给我的建议是
1.无语法错误,拼写错误
2.举例可以充分证明论点,有细节(要给考官印象深刻的例子)
3.句型无错误,词汇运用地道
这样可以接近满分

我只是一好心人,不是牛人.以上只是一个建议

tywfeiUID: 2300243

^_^
能具体一点吗？谢谢~~~

gong1UID: 2362098

呵呵，个人认为再加个结尾比较好！

cantonlinUID: 2352602

几点看法，仅供参考：
1、文中在表述三个理由的时候用的是不完整的句子，我认为欠妥。可改为“Some people attend college in order to experience the campus life."等等。
2、a advantage position 改为“a better position"; image改为“imagine", "a major of them" 改为“Most of them", "the one who hold"改为“the one who holds","be success"改为“be successful", "What's more"改为“Furthermore"。