Issue51 请指教

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Issue51 Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.


It is doubtless that meeting the individual need and interests of each student is beneficial. Nevertheless, it is difficult in practice.

Interest will ignite the sparks of the students' passion for pursuing knowledge and spur them to quarry the essence of education. Learning underlying interest makes student more self-confidence and positive, which is also instructive for shaping personality. As students is interested what he/she like, he/she will devote much energy and time to research it, a achievement will be gained due to his/her diligence and inspiration. Einstein said,"Intersest is the best teacher.” And he did as his word. Primarily, he cared about the question of what is time. Other person just thought time is what the watch displays. Due to urgently want to know the essence of the time, though searching for truth, he finally discovered the Principle of Relativity. Without his interest, this greatness would castle in the air.

Students' needs also cannot be ignored. One of the most famous Germany philosopher Karl Jaspers claimed,”The education means a tree shakes another, that a cloud drives another, that a soul wakes another”. How to get to this purpose? Benign interaction attaches the importance of this process. It is the interaction between teachers and students that makes education really effective. Student-oriented education makes them feeling being respected, then more pleased to receive teachers' instruction.

Even though there are many advantages in this student-oriented education, practice is questioned. First, individual is diverse, while the style of education is not as various as individual. Schools and teachers do not have enough time, materials and vim to learn every student's real need and interest. What's more, it is truly that not every student has the proper needs and interests. Some students addicting to net games lead to ignorance study, which must be controlled and inductive by the teachers. Finally, students, especially primary students, have no sufficient knowledge and experience to choose better courses and learning ways to adapt to the future development.

Admittedly, it is meaningful that identical education principle, means or courses are adopted in many occasions. After all, the good is experienced time and space. Nice characteristics, such as justice, tolerance, friendship and so on, are not exaggerated too much. Such common merits must be cultivated in the students. Education has for its object the formation of character. The classic education ideas, for example, learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous, is suitable to every student. Analytical thinking is also crucial to individual.

Here, I try to unravel what is effective education? What is ultimate purpose of education? If education can help student learn themselves, think that what is the most appropriate education for them, shape a well-balanced personality, and master the learning ability, the controversy of whether student-oriented is readily solved. What we focus is not the form of education, but the final purpose-the best development-ought to be achieved. When this goal is achieved, students’ fear, afraid of no ability to survive, will be eliminated. The phenomenon that a variety of students go to here and there to learn lots of the used or no use beyond reason originates from this fear.

I am not a completist, but no matter what the reality is complex, we cannot give up seeking this kind of effective education. However, how to reach this level has puzzled me a long time, maybe this is the most difficult to solve.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-7-27 12:10 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

Issue51 Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.


It is doubtless that meeting the individual need and interests of each student is beneficial. Nevertheless, it is difficult in practice.(So what're your point and stance? 不要给两个相互矛盾的句子就完事了，这样文章等于没有中心论点)

Interest will ignite the sparks of the students' passion for pursuing knowledge and spur them to quarry the essence of education. Learning underlying interest makes student more self-confidence and positive, which is also instructive for shaping personality. As students is interested what he/she like, he/she will devote much energy and time to research it, a achievement will be gained due to his/her diligence and inspiration. Einstein said,"Intersest is the best teacher.” And he did as his word. Primarily, he cared about the question of what is time. Other person just thought time is what the watch displays. Due to urgently want to know the essence of the time, though searching for truth, he finally discovered the Principle of Relativity. Without his interest, this greatness would castle in the air.(本段的论点和论据脱节，因为论据根本没有进行有效解释，之前你做了一系列论断：兴趣激发热情，使人增加自信，变的正面（这个词用的不妥，什么叫变的正面？太笼统了），能给塑造个性增加指导，之后又用一句车轱辘话重复了下激发热情那个，然后加了两个跟主题没关系的关键词：diligence and inspiration。要命的是之后象讲故事一样说爱因斯坦同学怎么牛逼，最后来句，没有兴趣他就不会这么牛逼——热情呢？自信呢？个性呢？这段论证犯了写ISSUE最常见的毛病：论证泛泛而谈，论据生搬硬套，结果就是感觉写了一段无支持的论断和一段小故事。)

Students' needs also cannot be ignored. One of the most famous Germany philosopher Karl Jaspers claimed,”The education means a tree shakes another, that a cloud drives another, that a soul wakes another”. How to get to this purpose? Benign interaction attaches the importance of this process. It is the interaction between teachers and students that makes education really effective. Student-oriented education makes them feeling being respected, then more pleased to receive teachers' instruction.(interaction=fullfil needs? 逻辑关系没有建立，因为你这里没有specific的谈什么是学生的needs，就最好来了个被尊重，这个等于学生的需求？引用的那句话是在说interaction，论证都是在说interaction，主题句是needs，二者之间没有什么联系。因此欠缺的内容是interaction怎么能满足needs，满足什么needs，通过什么手段，没了这个论证过程，这段存在逻辑断点)

Even though there are many advantages in this student-oriented education, practice is questioned(questionable). First, individual is diverse(individuals are diverse), while the style of education is not as various as individual. Schools and teachers do not have enough time, materials and vim to learn every student's real need and interest. What's more(First对应Second,并列结构清晰些), it is truly(true) that not every student has the proper needs and interests. Some students addicting to net games lead to ignorance study, which must be controlled and inductive by the teachers. Finally, students, especially primary students, have no sufficient knowledge and experience to choose better courses and learning ways to adapt to the future development(这个也可以被认为是他们的needs，因为你前面没把needs定义清楚这个论点就很模糊).

Admittedly, it is meaningful that identical education principle, means or courses are adopted in many occasions.(这个让步是针对谁说？从文章结构来看你的中心论点是好处而不是坏处，但这一段又接在让步后面，因此这个admittedly会让读者产生困惑，使这一段的出发点变的混乱。如果是顺接并转折的话应该用Nevertheless) After all, the good is experienced time and space. Nice characteristics, such as justice, tolerance, friendship and so on, are not exaggerated too much.(怎么又转到正义容忍友情了，这个跟个性化教育有什么关系？跟其在某些情况下被采用又有什么关系？) Such common merits must be cultivated in the students. Education has for its object the formation of character. The classic education ideas, for example, learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous, is suitable to every student. Analytical thinking is also crucial to individual. (这段跑题了。发展观点的时候一定要把你的出发点解释清楚——你这段的主题跟前面的论证有什么关系？跟个性化教育有什么关系？又跟个性化教育的不可实践性有什么关系？)

Here, I try to unravel what is effective education?(宾语从句不是问句，别用问号) What is ultimate purpose of education? If education can help student learn themselves, think that what is the most appropriate education for them, shape a well-balanced personality, and master the learning ability, the controversy of whether student-oriented is readily solved.(似乎上一段是给这一段服务的，但从行文角度应该是这一段引导上一段。另外这里的一堆好处之前在说个性化教育的也提过。) What we focus is not the form of education, but the final purpose-the best development-ought to be achieved. When this goal is achieved, students’ fear, afraid of no ability to survive, will be eliminated. The phenomenon that a variety of students go to here and there to learn lots of the used or no use beyond reason originates from this fear. (how can this unravel the questions? 一段都在说教育要什么目的，形式不重要，那么个性化教育到底好不好？怎么来满足这些需求？本段的后半段用了一堆非常晦涩而抽象的表达，模糊表达等于没有表达，也对应不到你的文章论点)

I am not a completist, but no matter what the reality is complex, we cannot give up seeking this kind of effective education. However, how to reach this level has puzzled me a long time, maybe this is the most difficult to solve.


总评：前半篇论证中心不明，内容模糊，造成后半篇跑题。也许你的思维很有深度，但这篇文章却没有有效表达你的思维，究其原因：
1、中心论点不明，你论证的目的是？对ISSUE题目的立场是？试图达到的解决方案是？最终目的是？都没说清楚
2、论证出发点不明，文章几次提到不同的教育目的，零散地分布在各段中，不知道哪个是重点，谁支持谁，谁是谁的前提，谁又能得出谁，造成了文章段落架构的混乱。
3、分论点不明，BODY一、二、三段还好，能看得出对应了题目的好处和坏处而写，四、五段则看不出明确的中心句，论证内容跟首句对不上
4、论据使用不明，论断多论证少，表达大多没有支持。

建议：
1、写的时候先列提纲，看看提纲能不能回应题目，是不是相互关联，各分论点间什么关系，怎么联系
2、再研究下范文，看看别人是怎么引用论据、发展论点的