issue141 [0710G ＋U Aug小组]第4次作业 satanic

SatanicUID: 2362211

策略：有保留反对。
布局：让步试
/*开头模版：复述标题；表明观点。*/
/*让步，承认遵从大家能获得经济成功*/
/*转折，个人经济收益必须具有个性*/
/*BENEFITS不光体现在经济方面，也体现在个人价值方面。个性同样提升个人价值*/

/*结尾模版*/

When asked about whether the personal benefits come from individuality or economical success requires conformity, people may find it hard to get a consensus due to their different experiences and conflicting values. As far as I am concerned, people can get normal economical success by conformity, if, however, they would like to struggle to receive more benefits no matter on economics or self-value, individuality is the eccentric quality they ought to have.

Admittedly, it is widely accepted that personal economic success requires conformity or starts from conformity. One is crude and untalented after his graduation from school and complete of his education. It is impossible for him to get personal economic success or others' agreement instantaneously, thus, the only way that might be chosen is to follow his precedents' road. Collaborating with colleagues in the same office, conforming with teachers in the same career and obeying his parents' will, he can totally infuse into his working group and acquire colleagues' acknowledgement, accompanying with it is the personal economic success.

However, there is no doubt that who wants to surpass others, to acquire salary and fame out of common people, or even engrave his name in the milestone of on realm of career, the individuality is the vital element he must have. The memory of adolescents, born in 1980s, are lingered and indulged in 3 things -- 1) the curiosity of the auto-robots in the TV animation series, Transformers, 2) the gorgeous pace and thrilling action of dance king in 1990s, Michael Jackson, 3) the magic Bulls' leader, unsurpassing basketball player, unforgettable number 32, the idol of thousands of basketball fans around the world, Michael Jordon. Jordon started his professional career in his early 20th in 1982. His first 50 matches were on the bunch,-- seems that he was a common player in coach's eye-- ,and he practiced all over again for the sake of his verification to fans and manager that he is not a zero, he is not a null and he has his value. He climbed to his peak in basketball in technique, psychologyand physics, after 5 years' tough practicing. Finally, he led the Bulls to get the championship for continuous 3 times and he got the Most Valuable Player honor for 9 times -- a surprising feat that might not be surpassed by any other players in the future. He has his unique individuality, honesty, optimistic attitude, collaboration with teammates and distinguished basketball technique. He devoted a lot, and he earned a lot which he deserved, not to mention the green bucks.

The benefits of individuality are not only in economics, but in prestige. Einstein, the most outstanding physics scientist of the 20th century is famous for his formula m=c^2, which is the greatest discovery in physical realm in nearly 100 years. He is a unique smart man and wrote a lot of books. His individuality is his wisdom and intelligence, and a unique brain structure—an informal investigation by today's medical professors in the situation that he thought out his formula all by his mind, without any help of instruments or experiments. He is not a wealth man, even after he received the Nobel Price, but he reached the marvelous prestige in physics all by his individuality.

In summary, it is very likely that people will never be able to arrive at the same conclusion on this controversial issue. However, taking into account all the dimensions discussed in the above analysis might be a decisive step out of the dilemma.

icefirekkUID: 2293126

When asked aboutwhether the personal benefits come from individuality or economicalsuccess requires conformity, people may find it hard to get a consensusdue to their different experiences and conflicting values. As far as Iam concerned, people can get normal economical success by conformity,if, however, they would like to struggle to receive more benefits nomatter on economics or self-value, individuality is the eccentricquality they ought to have.（你的意见是说：individuality 仅在pursuit extraordinary success 的时候需要，是否有点demean the benefits of individuality？)

Admittedly, it iswidely accepted that personal economic success requires conformity orstarts from conformity. One (who) is crude and untalented after hisgraduation from school and complete of(改成with) his education. It is impossiblefor him to get personal economic success or others' agreementinstantaneously, thus, the only way that might be chosen is to followhis precedents' (precedent是先例，不能搭配road，或者说成是forerunners' road）road. Collaborating with colleagues in the same office,conforming with teachers in (on) the same career and obeying his parents'will, he can totally infuse into his working group and acquire colleagues' acknowledgement, accompanying with it(it 改which, 这句主语是he，这句是定语） is the personal economic success.(倒装，我差点没认出）

However, there is nodoubt that who(改成everyone) wants to surpass others, to acquire salary and fame outof common people, or even engrave his name in(on) the milestone of on(用个形容词，而不是介词on,如particular )realmof career(好句), the individuality is the vital element he must have. Thememory of adolescents, (加who,因为主语是memory)born in 1980s, arelingered and indulged in 3 things -- 1) the curiosity of theauto-robots in the TV animation series, Transformers, 2) the gorgeouspace and thrilling action of dance king in 1990s, Michael Jackson, 3)the magic Bulls' leader, unsurpassing(unsurpassable) basketball player, unforgettablenumber 32, the idol of thousands of basketball fans around the world,Michael Jordon. (3个新颖的例子）Jordon started his professional career in his early20th in 1982. His first 50 matches were on the bunch,-- seems that hewas a common player in coach's eye-- ,and he practiced all over again(and again)for the sake of his verification to fans and manager that he is not azero, he is not a null and he has his value. He climbed to his peak inbasketball in technique, psychology andphysics, after 5 years' tough practicing. Finally, he led the Bulls toget the championship for continuous 3 times(我个人的写是3 times continously,没有for) and he got the MostValuable Player honor for(去掉for) 9 times -- a surprising feat that might notbe surpassed by any other players in the future. He has his uniqueindividuality, honesty, optimistic attitude, collaboration withteammates and distinguished basketball technique. He devoted a lot, andhe earned a lot which he deserved, not to mention the green bucks. (Jordan的例子很好的说明conformity与individuality的存在不矛盾，但前两个例子的引用与individuality似乎有点远，还是我没理解？）

The benefits ofindividuality are not only in economics, but in prestige.（这有点借题发挥的意思，要知道我们因为爱因斯坦的成就而敬佩他，题目中也说是economic success，应该有个对应，你以下的例子其实可以证明：individuality在使人成功方面的benefits) Einstein, themost outstanding physics scientist of the 20th century is famous forhis formula m=c^2, which is the greatest discovery in physical realm innearly 100 years. He is a unique smart man and wrote a lot of books.His individuality is his wisdom and intelligence, and a unique brainstructure—an informal investigation by today's medical professors inthe situation that he thought out his formula all by his mind, withoutany help of instruments or experiments. (好象他的连接左右半脑的胼胝体特短）He is not a wealth man, evenafter he received the Nobel Price, but he reached(acquired prestige如何？reached the altitude in physics no other can do 可能也通） the marvelous prestige in physics all by his individuality.

Insummary, it is very likely that people will never be able to arrive atthe same conclusion on this controversial issue. However, taking intoaccount all the dimensions discussed in the above analysis might be adecisive step out of the dilemma.( 结尾很简洁，没提罗嗦的结论，一切均在正文讨论完毕。值得我以后借鉴。）

cofeebeanUID: 2289548

When asked about whether the personal benefits come from individuality[个人的好处来自个性，benefits用在这有点别扭，因为它需要保持前后一致的意思——好处] or economical success requires conformity, people may find it hard to get a consensus due to their different experiences and conflicting values. As far as I am concerned, people can get normal economical success by conformity, if, however, they would like to struggle to receive more benefits[用gain much more progress是不是更好] no matter on economics or self-value, individuality is the eccentric quality they ought to have.
Admittedly, it is widely accepted that personal economic success requires conformity or starts from[中式表达] conformity. One is crude and untalented after his graduation from school and complete of his education[and complete of his education与前面的短语同语重复，为简洁起见建议去掉]. It is impossible for him to get personal economic success or others' agreement instantaneously, thus, the only way that might be chosen is to follow his precedents' road. Collaborating with colleagues in the same office, conforming with teachers in the same career and obeying his parents' will, he can totally infuse into his working group and acquire colleagues' acknowledgement, accompanying with it[改为which,引出从句] is the personal economic success.
However, there is no doubt that who wants to surpass others, to acquire salary and fame out of common people, or even engrave his name in the milestone of on realm of career, [这个从句跟着哪个单词？]the individuality is the vital element he must have. The memory of adolescents, born in 1980s, are lingered and indulged in [去掉and indulged in，用法不对，加上with] 3 things -- 1) the curiosity of the auto-robots in the TV animation series, Transformers, 2) the gorgeous pace and thrilling action of dance king in 1990s, Michael Jackson, 3) the magic Bulls' leader, unsurpassing basketball player, unforgettable number 32, the idol of thousands of basketball fans around the world, Michael Jordon. [前两项可以去掉，因为关系不大]Jordon started his professional career in his early 20th in 1982. His first 50 matches were on the bunch,-- [which] seems that he was a common player in coach's eye-- ,and he practiced all over again for the sake of his verification to fans and manager that he is not a zero, he is not a null and he has his value. He climbed to his peak in basketball in technique, psychologyand physics, after 5 years' tough practicing. Finally, he led the Bulls to get the championship for continuous 3 times and he got the Most Valuable Player honor for 9 times -- a surprising feat that might not be surpassed by any other players in the future. He has his unique individuality, honesty, optimistic attitude, collaboration with teammates and distinguished basketball technique. He devoted a lot, and he earned a lot which he deserved, not to mention the green bucks.
The benefits of individuality are not only in economics, but in prestige. Einstein, the most outstanding physics scientist of the 20th century is famous for his formula m=c^2, which is the greatest discovery in physical realm in nearly 100 years. He is a unique smart man and wrote a lot of books. His individuality is his wisdom and intelligence, and a unique brain structure[这个也是个性吗]—an informal investigation by today's medical professors in the situation that he thought out his formula all by his mind, without any help of instruments or experiments. He is not a wealth man, even after he received the Nobel Price, but he reached the marvelous prestige in physics all by his individuality.
In summary, it is very likely that people will never be able to arrive at the same conclusion on this controversial issue. However, taking into account all the dimensions discussed in the above analysis might be a decisive step out of the dilemma.
[总评：
一、 题目的重点是后半部分，回应重心却是放在前面，且正文三脱离开关键词personal economical success讨论个性的其他优点，个人感觉这样的作法虽独特但有一点风险。
二、 正文一关于共性的论述，条理清晰，用词到位。
三、 正文二论述个性对个人经济成功的意义时，乔丹的例子用的不错（当然，若是商业例子更好），但此例中乔丹的个性与成功之间的关系没有多下笔墨，最好抓住一个点如乐观来分析个性对成功的促进。正文四的举例也是同样的问题。]