Issue51 【0710G-HIT坚持交作业小组作文大帖】第一次作业

scarf83UID：2285995

TOPIC: ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."
WORDS: 506          TIME: 45:00         DATE: 2007-7-30 下午 02:15:26

Syllabus:
1. 兴趣是最好的老师
2. 孩子的成长各有不同才会有各行各业的人，而不是都学一样的东西
3. 基本的知识还是应该都学的
4. 也不能完全由着学生的个性发展，可能年龄小没有正确的目标也不知道自己的兴趣所在，因此需要正确的引导，完全听任孩子可能使其变坏
5. 总结，认为教育应该在孩子的个性和普遍式教学中达到平衡，教会学生的基本知识同时兼顾孩子的个性成长

I basically agree the the author's assertion that education will be truly effective only  when it is specificallly designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student. It is have to be conceded that the author is on the correct positive perspective on the education of students. After all, each student has his instinctive characteristics which need to be conveyed differently from others by their own manner. Yet, the interests of young students need to be conducted by teachers and parents, besides, basic skills of making life should be acquired by them. Thus, I disagree that education specially designed to meet the individual needs and interests is the only effective mode.

In the first place, precedents tell us that interest is the best advisor for everyone. Be aspired by the initiative of interest, one has the power to confront most difficult problems in the progress. One apt illustration of this point involves Edison's growing up, in the whole life of Edison, he made hundreds of fabulous inventions, some of which even changed our lives mode like electric light which we still benefited from today. However, without impetus of interest, he would give up  due to thousands of times failure. Consequently, curiosity, creativity as well as persistent will and final success can all be attributed to the interest on some research field.

What is more, the diversity of children's growing up composes colorful society with different occupations and various character. It will be a tragedy of human if all the students learn the same knowledge and all become scientists, writers or astronauts rather than farmers, workers and so forth. So in my opinion, the success of education is to help students to find their own needs and interests and then help them to develop and improve in their own way.

However, focus only on specificially designed education may be not a benefit to students, especially in their young age. It is an impossible task for the young students, who do not have any experience in the society and even do not have a clear idea of what is their real interest except wandering and playing purposelessly, to forecast their occupations. Thus, a good education mode should conduct students to find their interests in the wright way, otherwise, they may get lost in their life and addictive in unhealthy game or habit. On the other hand, some basic skills and knowledge should be acquired by students in whatever fields which they will be engaged in in the future. So it is still necessary to demand students to take common courses.

In balance, however, I fundamentally agree with the assertion that education should emphasize more on students' speciality. It is the responsibility of education to make students become specialists in diverse fields which are useful to our society. Besides, it is also obligation of education to impart basic knowledge to students and conduct them to develop toward right direction in their interest.
In the final anlysis, if we are able to merge the two aspects in education and counter a balance between them, the outcome will be satisfied.

[ 本帖最后由 scarf83 于 2007-7-30 14:33 编辑 ]

SavileRowUID：2284947

I basically agree the(应该是with？) the author's assertion that education will be truly effective only  when it is specifically(specially?你是要表达“专门，特别”的意思吗) designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student. It is have to be conceded(不知道跟”I have to concede”比起来怎么样，我感觉concede的主语应该是人而不是事) that the author is on the correct positive perspective on the education of students. After all, each student has his instinctive characteristics which need to be conveyed differently from others by their own manner. Yet, the interests of young students need to be conducted by teachers and parents, besides, basic skills of making life should be acquired by(是不是from好些?) them. Thus, I disagree that education specially designed to meet the individual needs and interests is the only effective mode.
第一句的agree和最后一句的disagree，虽然读者能看明白你的最终意思，不过我建议把最后一个disagree换掉，不要跟第一句TS争重点，因为我看第一次第一段的时候以为你有两个TS而focus弄散了

In the first place, precedents tell us that interest is the best advisor for everyone. Be aspired(去掉Be，直接Aspired大写开头就可以了) by the initiative(这个词有待商榷，因为金山上的各意义放在这不怎么妥，可不可以直接写aspired by interest?) of interest, one has the power to confront most difficult problems in the progress. One apt illustration of this point involves Edison's growing up, in the whole life of Edison, he made hundreds of fabulous inventions, some of which even changed our lives mode(life style怎么样？) like electric light (复数？)which we still benefited from today. However, without impetus of interest, he would give(would have given这个时态是不是好些？) up  due to thousands of times failure. Consequently(这个词用来作总结本段的引导词好像不怎么恰当,consequently后面在我看来应该是跟某事件的结果，而不是总结，当然我可能理解有偏差), curiosity, creativity as well as persistent will and final success can all be attributed to the interest on some research field.
我很喜欢这段的结构：论点-简单的论点论证并引导例子-例子-例子发展-结论，这也是我在学习的。但是我觉得例子后的论证发展不够，如果稍微深入一点估计再写结论就更水到渠成

What is more, the diversity of children's growing up composes colorful society with different occupations and various character.(这句话感觉有点中式英语了，diversity of children’s growing up这个短语有待商榷) It will be a tragedy of human if all the students learn the same knowledge and all(建议去掉，因为students前已经有all) become scientists, writers or astronauts rather than farmers, workers and so forth. So in my opinion, the success of education is to help students to find their own needs and interests and then help them to develop and improve in their own way.
这个分论点没有得到充分发展。跟第一个论点比起来就好像文章的腿长短不一样，失去了平行观点的作用。

However, focus only on specificially（同第一段） designed education may be not a benefit to students, especially in their young age. It is an impossible task for the young students, who do not have any experience in the society and even do not have a clear idea of what is their real interest except wandering and playing purposelessly, to forecast their occupations. Thus, a good education mode should conduct students to find their interests in the wright(right?) way, otherwise, they may get lost in their life and addictive in unhealthy game or habit. On the other hand, some basic skills and knowledge should be acquired by students in whatever fields which they will be engaged in in the future. So it is still necessary to demand students to take common courses.

In balance, however,(这个词是想从上段承接下来？可是这个词放在这怪怪的，你可以尝试一下别的词组/词来作段间转换) I fundamentally agree with the assertion that education should emphasize more on students' speciality.（这两句之间缺乏联系，可以用表因果关系的词组如After all等） It is the responsibility of education to make students become specialists in diverse fields which are useful to our society. Besides, it is also obligation of education to impart basic knowledge to students and conduct them to develop toward right direction in their interest.In the final anlysis(analysis), if we are able to merge the two aspects in education and counter a balance between them, the outcome will be satisfied.（最后一句话是不是要进行深化主题？可是觉得力量略显单薄了。我认为可以把这句话力度写强一些，而且记得要点题——effective，在各分论点你可以用good，successful这类的词来替换（且不说是不是好或者是不是偷换了概念），但最后一句话点题还是用题目的关键字比较好）

总体来说，我觉得在限时的情况下写出这样的文章很不错——脉络清晰，结构完整。我是在没有时间压力的情况下改的，所以显得有点吹毛求疵了。我谈谈可以稍作提高的地方1 段内的逻辑联系有点弱，应该更好的利用转接词来使段内联系紧密形成一条线 2分论点的论证有点偏弱，我不知道我这个观点对不对，至少我对自己这种菜鸟的要求就是每个分论点TS不仅仅是对本段的总结和概括，还应该对全文有服务总用，毕竟写分论点也是为了总论点。简而言之，我就会在每段很机械的点一点题目关键字。当然你可以有更成熟有效的方式来为中心服务，我只是举出我目前菜鸟阶段所用的笨方法