ARGUMENT140 [kb 9.11] No.11 phoenixlw

phoenixlwUID: 2382912

题目：ARGUMENT 140 - The following appeared in a report of the Committee on Faculty Promotions and Salaries at Elm City University.

"During her seventeen years as a professor of botany, Professor Thomas has proved herself to be well worth her annual salary of $50,000. Her classes are among the largest at the university, demonstrating her popularity among students. Moreover, the money she has brought to the university in research grants has exceeded her salary in each of the last two years. Therefore, in consideration of Professor Thomas' demonstrated teaching and research abilities, we recommend that she receive a $10,000 raise and a promotion to Department Chairperson; without such a raise and promotion, we fear that Professor Thomas will leave Elm City University for another college."
字数：366          用时：0:30:00           
The author recommends that Professor Thomas (T) should receive a $10,000 raise and a promotion to Department Chairperson in case that she will leave Elm City University (ECU) for another college. She also claims that P's abilities are demonstrated. To support his or her recommendation and claim, the author cites that T's classes are among the largest at the university; besides, the money she has brought to the university in research grants has surpassed her salary. However, this recommendation has several flaws which render it wholly unpersuasive as it stands.

To begin with, the large size of her classes do no necessarily indicate her popularity among students, let alone her demostrated teaching and research abilities. It is entirely possible that in ECU, the professors major in botany are so scanty, and therefore every professor of botany has to afford a large class in which there might be more than 200 students. Moreover, even if the professors of botany are not in short, in order to evaluate the teaching and research abilities of a professor, merely judging by the size of one's class is not enough.  The quality of one’s classes, the essays one has published and even the daily behavior are essential to assess a professor completely and thoroughly. Thus, without these two scenarios or others are taken into consideration, the author cannot convince me that P's abilities are demonstrated.

Secondly, the author concludes that T is bound to have demonstrated teaching and research abilities by noting she brought amounts of money, which even beyond her salary, to the university in research grants. However, it is unsubstantiated. Maybe ECU has special committee to manage and distribute the funds to the research or education, so it is not necessary for T to bring her own money to the researches. Moreover, what she does substantially cannot not lead to prove her education and researching abilities demonstrated. It is highly possible that many other people also fund for the researches or construction of the university, so can we conclude that they have demonstrated teaching and researching ability? Apparently not. Therefore, the author cites irrelative information, that T brought amounts of money to the university in research, with her educating and research ability in this recommendation.

Finally, even though T has demonstrated teaching and research abilities in deed, it is not substantiated that she will leave ECU because of the relatively low salary and status. The author fails to offer any information that T is unsatisfied with the present situation and eager for a rise in salary and a promotion in career. Oppositely, maybe T is very enjoys her life in ECU since she has worked there for so many years and gets along well with the other faculties and students. Thus, unless the author proves that T really tends to leave because of the low treatment, the measures about the salary and career seem unnecessary.     

In sum, this recommendation, which seems logical at first, has several flaws within it. To bolster this recommendation, the author should prove that P's abilities are demonstrated in deed. Furthermore, the author also needs to provide the evidence that P will be determined to leave ECU if salary and treatment remain such a low level.

[ 本帖最后由 phoenixlw 于 2007-8-21 15:28 编辑 ]

fishswimmingUID: 2203743

不错

phoenixlwUID: 2382912

- -||  谢谢顶我帖子....

xiaotunbbUID: 2239241

看你的第五篇已经有人批过了，这篇还没有，来给你看看~不过我现在很没搞清楚状况，为什么我颜色什么的加完了到这就没了？

xiaotunbbUID: 2239241

题目：ARGUMENT 140 - The following appeared in a report of the Committee on Faculty Promotions and Salaries at Elm City University.

"During her seventeen years as a professor of botany, Professor Thomas has proved herself to be well worth her annual salary of $50,000. Her classes are among the largest at the university, demonstrating her popularity among students. Moreover, the money she has brought to the university in research grants has exceeded her salary in each of the last two years. Therefore, in consideration of Professor Thomas' demonstrated teaching and research abilities, we recommend that she receive a $10,000 raise and a promotion to Department Chairperson; without such a raise and promotion, we fear that Professor Thomas will leave Elm City University for another college."
字数：366          用时：0:30:00        
The author recommends that Professor Thomas (T) should receive a $10,000 raise and a promotion to Department Chairperson in case that she will leave Elm City University (ECU) for another college. She also claims that P's abilities are demonstrated. To support his or her （这个his or her 和前面的she 不对应啊！）recommendation and claim（这两个词为什么要放一起呢，感觉有点多余）, the author cites that T's classes are among the largest at the university; besides, the money she has brought to the university in research grants has surpassed her salary. However, this recommendation has several flaws which render it wholly unpersuasive as it stands.

To begin with, the large size of her classes do (does, 另外我觉得不要把话说得这么绝对，在large size 前加个comparatively 之类的限定会比较好的说~) no（not） necessarily indicate her popularity among students, let alone her demonstrated (demonstrated) teaching and research abilities. It is entirely possible that in ECU, the professors majored in botany are so scanty, and therefore (为什么不用so that 呢？)every professor（连续两个用professor 好像有点重复吧，换个代词吧） of botany has to afford a large class in which there might be more than 200 students. Moreover, even if the professors of botany are not in short, in order to evaluate the teaching and research abilities of a professor, merely judging by the size of one's class is not enough.  The quality of one’s classes, the essays one has published and even the daily behavior are essential to assess a professor completely and thoroughly. Thus, without these two scenarios or others are（being） taken into consideration, the author cannot convince me that P's abilities are demonstrated(应该用一个出色之类的词会比较好吧？ 被demonstrate了又能说明什么呢？ demonstrate的目的是证明她好嘛！).

Secondly, the author concludes that T is bound to have demonstrated teaching and research abilities by noting she brought amounts of money, which even beyond her salary, to the university in research grants. However, it is unsubstantiated. Maybe ECU has special committee to manage and distribute the funds to the research or education, so it is not necessary for T to bring her own money to the researches. Moreover, what she does substantially （没看懂）cannot not lead to prove her education and researching abilities demonstrated. It is highly possible that many other people also fund for the researches or construction of the university, so can we conclude that they have demonstrated（感觉你好像完全把这个词的意思搞错了） teaching and researching ability? Apparently not. Therefore, the author cites irrelative information, that T brought amounts of money to the university in research, with her educating and research ability in this recommendation.（刚看完阅读难句里的插入，呵呵，好亲切！赶明我也用用插入！）

Finally, even though T has demonstrated teaching and research abilities in deed, it is not substantiated that she will leave ECU because of the relatively low salary and status. The author fails to offer any information that T is unsatisfied with the present situation and eager for a rise in salary and a promotion in career. Oppositely, maybe T is very enjoys her life in ECU since she has worked there for so many years and gets（时态不一致） along well with the other faculties and students. Thus, unless the author proves that T really tends to leave because of the low treatment（这个搭配好像不大好吧？）, the measures about the salary and career seem unnecessary.     

In sum, this recommendation, which seems logical at first, has several flaws within it. To bolster this recommendation, the author should prove that P's abilities are demonstrated in deed. Furthermore, the author also needs to provide the evidence that P will be determined to leave ECU if salary and treatment remain such a low level（这样才顺嘛！前面那个还是改改吧~）.

[ 本帖最后由 xiaotunbb 于 2007-8-21 22:39 编辑 ]

xiaotunbbUID: 2239241

如果是在三十分钟里面我觉得写不了你这么好，语言上的问题不伤大雅，整体下来还是很顺的，计时能写成这样相当不容易呢。已经复习很久了吗？
如果骨头里挑刺的话你太不注意近义词的更替，看下来我发现你把demonstrated 的意思彻底弄错，而且全篇下来都是在用这个词！这样会显得不怎么高级哦！不过你几乎没什么fragment和chinglish， 句型的变化也注意到了，如果再注意一下近义词的替换会更好而已，不原意费尽去弄也就算了~
逻辑方面应该是挺好的，这个我实在没什么发言权...
另外字数上好像不大够呢~加油吧！

phoenixlwUID: 2382912

呵呵 谢谢小豚宝宝啊~~
1.这篇超时了的,呵呵.
2.另外我那个demonstrated是因为文中原词,我故意多用的,结果适得其反..汗
3.最后,我有些用词确实不大细,多谢提醒啊~~

xiaotunbbUID: 2239241

不只是说多用的问题，可能是我没说清楚，关键是这个词完全没有出色的之类的意思，它只是个后置定语而已，可是你把它当成了个正八经儿的形容词，很高兴得加在了名词的前面作修饰语，这样就不好了，嗯这回应该说清楚了...
我批的是有点太细，因为逻辑上我也提不出什么建设性的意见，只能提提语言上的小错，不过我觉得把词用准了应该还是可以提高整体印象的呵呵~

phoenixlwUID: 2382912

恩 好的收到~~ 确实是对这个词意思把握得不大准 当成褒义词了~下篇作文我注意