作文哪个好心帮忙修修

198623UID: 2308660

125. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. Use specific reasons to support your answer.

Nowadays ,a growing number of parents send their children to learn piano ,painting...With  the admiration to these little ones who can have so many chances to be artists,I find more and more people emphsis much on art and music.Cannot we  benefit a lot from it?For me ,I strongly agree that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.

Students are the future of a country.Seldom can a country be prosperous that full of people have little knowledge in culture which is conveyed by art and music, the best forms that show us abundant resouces of our culture.Students ,especially the ones in secondary school,are responsible to know these and manage to learn such things.What would we think about a person who do not know the famous painting “Monalisa Smile”?Some fundamental knowledge can make us understand master pieces better,and get closer with great artists and musicians.The ninth symphony can make sense to students  after the explanation by a teacher,the music will not be just melody any more but also a spirit combined with Beethoven.

Imagine what it would be if these students in secondary schools cope with subjects as maths all day,their life will be full of figures not fantastic pictures and music.They would be caculators not a master of life.Students can know the beauty of life through art and music which give man-kind a power to seize a better living.It would be wonderful when the students exchange their ideas about art, about a conception of beauty.They can draw want in their mind in art class,under the guidance of teachers,it is sure their dreams can be expressed much more vividly on the paper.

Someone argues that it is a disturbance of teaching,and may influence the main subjects of a student.Nevertheless,art and history study is far beyond one that just useful for examination,but it can contribute much to be a informed one.It will be no doute that hobby in art and music accompany with studetns in the future can make thier living corlorful.

So in conclusion,some foundamental knowledge for the students in secondary schools is indeed necessary.It is an era that integrated talenteds are quite needed,we cannot compete with others if we even do not know Monalisa Smile and beethoven ,which is a symbol of a great interests and diversity of learning.We should encourage all the students to do so ,so far as to the whole society.

halkingUID: 2291422

line 1：these little ones定语从句先行词重复！！！

198623UID: 2308660

哦,看来是个玩语法的.有别的吗?老外有说这可以

豆豆～UID: 2378384

Nowadays, a growing number of parents send their children to learn piano, painting...(正规的省略号在英语中应该是四个点，每个中间空一个格。就是“. . . .”) With  the admiration to these little ones who can have so many chances to be artists, I find more and more people emphsis(put emphasis OR emphasize) much on art and music.Cannot we benefit a lot from it(it指代不明)? For me, I strongly agree that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.

Students are the future of a country. Seldom can a country be prosperous that full of people have little knowledge in culture which is conveyed by art and music, the best forms that show us abundant resouces of our culture.(这句话逻辑比较混乱，one possible version: Hardly can a country prosper when it holds a multitude of citizens who are poorly educated in arts, because many kinds of arts, such as drama and music, are generally accepted as the best approach to introduce a country's culture to the rest of the world.) Students, especially the ones in secondary school, are responsible to know these and manage to learn such things.What would we think about a person who do(does) not know the famous painting “Monalisa Smile”? Some fundamental knowledge can make us understand master pieces better, and get closer with great artists and musicians.(get closer to great artists' and musicians' works.) The ninth symphony can make sense to students after the explanation by a teacher,the music will not be just melody any more but also a spirit combined with Beethoven.(Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, for example, will be better absorbed by the students after the teacher's explanation, thus the piece of work will be not  only a melody towards the students, but also a spirit expressed by the eminent composer.)

只改了两段，因为后面的问题和前面两段差不多。

LZ总的水平还是可以的。主要特点是比较colloquial，但这并不是个缺点，因为OG上有篇满分的作文就是more like spoken English。但是那篇文章写得很地道，用词很准确，甚至用了些俚语。所以写作的时候如果lz把风格定位在比较口语化上面，那么一定要注意用词准确，不能有太多语法错误。切忌不能突然冒出来一个很书面的词，那样会很awkward。

还有就是长句有时候写的逻辑不太清晰，比如有些时候是可以把长句分成短句来写的。整体文章长短句相结合才会让人读起来很流畅。

注意每段第一句话一定要把论点点出来，不能太general。比如说第二段的第一句话：“Students are the future of a country.”这句话就比较广义了，而且没有突出主题，要写得更细致一些，比如：“Only if they are well educated in arts can the students create a better future.”在接下来的论述中，尽量避免绕圈子。第一句点明观点，第二至三句说明理由。然后就可以用specific的例子来论证支持你的观点了。Beethoven的例子很好，可是没有展开，所以达不到预期的效果。

lz加油。祝你能取得好成绩！



[ 本帖最后由 豆豆～ 于 2007-8-27 17:33 编辑 ]

198623UID: 2308660

这位GG还是MM是第一次正经给我改作文的人馁,我要谢谢谢谢啊!!!!!!!哈,也BLESS YOU 好成绩:handshake

ccesmUID: 2203704

呵呵，本人对art and music 很不了解，而且在学校也没学多少这方面的知识，
但感觉lz得思路是十分的清晰，论证角度也好，只是在看到第二论点（反证）时，感觉没有推理完全， 推到一半就断了，没有结论。
但限于知识背景的缘故，偶真是不知道音乐和艺术修养高的人 同我们这些人的差别。有点像井底之蛙的感觉。

ccesmUID: 2203704

有了，
Art and music is a kind of method leading us to a world opposite to science and technology. It is a good way for us to leave far away from the more and more competitive and stressful world. If a man do not know art or music, he would be less likely to feel the beauty of the nature. He may be more likely to be misleading by the over-emphasized scientific knowledge focuing on how to change the world, but not how to adapt to the environment. A man full of ambitions is uneasy to get on well with others. If it is in that case, the society may become unstable and easily broken.

198623UID: 2308660

我也是"文"盲,上面一段分论点很有见地,但放文章里去深入论证感觉比较难,比如例子之类.其实ETS对托的作文不要求很深入的思维吧.偶觉的是这样

豆豆～UID: 2378384

原帖由 198623 于 2007-8-27 21:21 发表
这位GG还是MM是第一次正经给我改作文的人馁,我要谢谢谢谢啊!!!!!!!哈,也BLESS YOU 好成绩

that is not a problem.

Keep fighting...


and thanks for your wishes:-)

[ 本帖最后由 豆豆～ 于 2007-8-27 22:27 编辑 ]

豆豆～UID: 2378384

I am a BOY~ by the way

ccesmUID: 2203704

回#8　198623 ：

是啊，考场上限时肯定写不了很深入的，要综合考虑。
但总的思路一定要好，再不跑题的基础上再润色吧，呵呵