雅思作文第四篇，谢谢大家指导：）

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

4Topic: Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together. To what extent do you agree that the internet is making it easier for people to communicate with one another?


On account of the rapid development of the science and technology, we are walking to the Information Age. Our daily life has been changed greatly by the appearance of the internet, which made the communication between people easily and much cheaper.

In the first place, the internet is regarded as the cheapest tool of communication, compared with telephone, mobile phone and so on. The telling example is that we just need to spend a little fees to use the MSN to chat with our friends. In addition to that, as for some transnational corporations, with the help of the internet, business men can have a meeting in their own office, and needn’t to go to another country by plane.

Furthermore, the internet has made it possible for people to communicate with their family members no matter where and when. Increasing number of people have their own computer. Therefore, it is extremely convenient not only chatting in the internet but also send and receive E-mail whenever the want.

However, no invention has received more praise and abuse than internet. Many experts point out that a considerable number of people are addicted to （不知道这样用对不对）the internet, playing games or chatting with stranger. Morever the internet crime is more and more serious at recent years. People should not fail to take into account these problems.

To summarize, it is indisputable that the internet is helpful to our modern life as long as we use it correctly. Not only does it make the communication easily, but also make the world become smaller and smaller.
40分钟紧张写完，刚好256个字

[ 本帖最后由 啦啦啦qlm 于 2007-8-27 04:33 编辑 ]

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

On account of the rapid development of the（去掉了~） science and technology, we are walking to the Information Age. Our daily life has been changed greatly by（这里用since比较好吧，因为你前边用了have完成时） the appearance of the internet, which made（make） the communication between people easily and much cheaper.

In the first place, the internet is regarded as the cheapest tool of communication, compared with telephone, mobile phone（连着两个phone的例子，换一个吧，fax,mail都行啊？） and so on. The telling example is that we just need to spend a little fees to use the MSN to chat with our friends.（这句有点啰唆，改成to chat with friends by MSN） In addition to that, as for some transnational corporations, with the help of the internet, business men can have a meeting in their own office, and needn’t to go to another country by plane.（呵呵，还是觉得有点啰唆，直接用needn't to travel abroad.就好了啊~）

Furthermore, the inter（汗~你想说互联网的意思吧？但最好不要这么写http://dict.cn/search/?q=inter） has made it possible for people to communicate with their family members no matter where and when. Increasing number of people have their own computer. Therefore, it is extremely convenient not only chatting in the internet but also send and receive（sending and reveiving，因为你前边用了chantting，时态要对应） E-mail whenever they want.

However, no invention has received more praise and abuse（abuse作名词应该是滥用和恶习的意思吧？这里用criticsm吧~） than internet. Many experts point out that a considerable number of people are addicted（这里不需要被动） to the internet, playing games or chatting with stranger（这里用两个动名词和前边的关系好像不太紧密吧？要么就直接用动词原型，和addict并列，要么就在前边加个such as，表示网络上瘾的例子。）. Morever the internet crime is more and more serious at（in） recent years. People should not fail to take into account these problems.

To summarize, it is indisputable that the internet is helpful to our modern life as long as we use it correctly. Not only does it makes the communication easily, but also makes the world become smaller and smaller.（上一段刚刚批评完互联网，最后一段突然就说互联网多好，显得太突兀了，建议在前边写一句：虽然互联网带给我们很多问题，正确的做法应该是面对这些问题并且加以解决，而不是简单的放弃使用互联网。这样比较自然一些。要不然你这么些容易给考官留下你是在硬掰的印象！）

这篇给你的批评挺多的，希望你不要受打击啊，呵呵
最近你坚持的也挺好的，进度很大，尤其给我印象深的就是思路比一开始要开阔多了，例证也很丰富。
需要注意的就是，有时候注意调整一下句式的结构，你脑子里想的肯定是汉语，然后写出来肯定也是汉语的顺序，这也是我现在最头疼的一个问题，大家一起努力改进！：）
对了，发现你特喜欢用not only...but also这个句型，呵呵，像这句：it is extremely convenient not only chatting in the internet but also sending and receiving E-mail whenever they want.我觉得你完全没有必要用not only..but also这种结构啊，直接说 it is extremely convenient that chat and mail in the net.就可以了啊？当然不是说不能用，我觉得一篇作文短短两三百字，用一次就行了。

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

no invention has received more praise and abuse than internet. 这样不对？是我在一个资料上看到的~~~~
呵呵~欢迎多多批评~看到说我还是有进步我心中窃喜一下~嘻嘻~
继续努力~~~~~~~
很多写作习惯还是改不了~加油加油~:loveliness:
谢谢`~~~~

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

:funk: 还没睡？

forbeckUID: 2297645

你们的作息时间:funk:

futuremanUID: 2327059

夜空好勤奋啊 谢谢来互改啊,不过你要早睡觉!!!你是不是不在中国....
我也占个位
being revised...

futuremanUID: 2327059

4Topic: Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together. To what extent do you agree that the internet is making it easier for people to communicate with one another?

On account of the rapid development of the 去掉the science and technology, we are walking to the Information Age. Our daily life has been changed greatly has been greatly changed更地道的表达 by 这里用since比较好吧，因为你前边用了have完成时/ 菠萝：也可以用by, 因为since这里意思是‘由于’，应当接句子才对 the appearance of the internet, which made is making题目的时态 the communication between people easily and much cheaper.第一段陈述自己完全同意interenet方便了人们的沟通

In the first place, the internet is regarded as the cheapest tool of communication, compared with telephone, mobile phone and so on. The telling example is that we just need to spend a little fees to use the MSN to chat with our friends. [这句有点啰唆，改成to chat with friends by MSN/菠萝：赞同这里比较罗嗦] In addition to that, as for some transnational corporations, with the help of the internet, business men can have a meeting in their own office, and needn’t to go换成rather than简洁些 to another country by plane. 这段最好说一下how cheapest，因此最好的论证方法是比较不同通信方式从而得到结论，最后再稍微总结一下

Furthermore, the inter 汗~你想说互联网的意思吧？但最好不要这么写/ 菠萝：这样写是不是很口语。。书面还是正式点好 has made it possible for people to communicate with their family members no matter where and when. Increasing number of people have their own computercomputers. Therefore, it is extremely convenient not only chatting in the internet but also send and receive sending and receiving E-mail whenever they want.

However, no invention has received more praise and abuse abuse作名词应该是滥用和恶习的意思吧？这里用criticsm吧~ /菠萝：abuse还解释为‘辱骂’than internet.这句话不适合做TS，象是在铺垫什么，直接点出本段主旨‘internet问题很多’比较好 Many experts point out that a considerable number of people are addicted to可以这么用，be addicted to 沉溺于the internet, playing games or chatting with stranger（这里用两个动名词和前边的关系好像不太紧密吧？要么就直接用动词原型，和addict并列，要么就在前边加个such as，表示网络上瘾的例子。/菠萝：这两个分词你想让它修饰people,但在语法上它们是修饰主语experts的，因此还是加上such as 比较好）. Morever the internet crime is more and more serious at in recent years. People should not fail to 这里有点卖弄的味道，有些弄巧成拙，直接should比较好take into account these problems. 你的TS提到praise，而你本段没有说praise,所以TS很象一个过渡句，要好好修改下

To summarize, it is indisputable that the internet is helpful to our modern life as long as we use it correctly. Not only does it makes the communication easily, but also makes the world become smaller and smaller.


在夜空的基础继续看你的文章
整体上我觉得语言比较流畅，用词也丰富，这是很牛的拉~~但是结构上还有些欠缺
1> 审题：题目说‘internet如何使人们的交流更方便’，因此你要分析哪方面方便，哪方面不方便，而你在第三段在说internet的问题和弊端，让人觉得题目是在讨论‘internet利与弊’，有些偏离题意
2> 第一段表明你完全同意internet的优势，而你在行文中又指出它对于人们沟通的不利，这与你第一段的立场有些向背，因此你需要在第一段做有保留的同意，这样才能呼应全文脉络
3> 第三段TS的问题
由于你语言的多样性所以文章感觉很舒服，但还是要注意整体结构呵，不错加油~~

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-8-27 12:46 编辑 ]

futuremanUID: 2327059

为了你们两个偶把留链时间改22点了呵
早睡觉!

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-8-27 14:31 编辑 ]

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

谢谢~:loveliness:
看来在审题，立意，论证方面问题也多多~
谢谢指出~:loveliness:
继续努力~~~~:handshake
发现第四段的反面论证用了很中国人的方法，先铺垫,再说观点，失误~:loveliness:

forbeckUID: 2297645

On account of the rapid development of the去掉把 science and technology, we are walking to the Information Age. Our daily life has been changed greatly by用since和文字更相符 the appearance of the internet, which made又是一个时态问题，而且这个变化一直在发生 the communication between people easily and much cheaper.

In the first place, the internet is regarded as the [(one of the 最好加上这个，客观点，要不faceto face 的聊天还不用钱呢~~ )cheapest tool of communication, compared with telephone, mobile phone两个都是电话系列，还有好多呢] and so on. The telling example is that we just need to spend a little fees to use the MSN to chat with our friends我也同意这句话写得罗嗦了. In addition to that, as for some transnational corporations, with the help of the internet, business men can have a meeting in their own office, and needn’t to go to another country by plane这句就看他们改的，要简洁点，但不要简单，否则考官会以为你是在凑字数.

Furthermore, the internet has made it possible for people to communicate with their family members no matter where and when. Increasing number of people have their own computer. Therefore, it is extremely convenient not only chatting in the internet but also send[ing] and receiv[ing] E-mail whenever the want.

However, no这样绝对性的词尽量少用 invention has received more praise and abuse than internet. Many experts point out that a considerable number of people are addicted to （不知道这样用对不对）可以这么用的the internet, playing games or chatting with stranger这两个县乡至于网瘾应该是从属的关系，就像菠萝说的用such as. Morever the internet crime is more and more这个词组块用滥了--- 看ps serious at--in recent years. People should又是一个太主观的词 not fail to take into account these problems.就像菠萝说的，段首的两个方面，你只论述的一方面　
　
To summarize, it is indisputable that the internet is helpful to our modern life as long as we use it correctly. Not only does it make the communication easily, but also make the world become smaller and smaller.[就天空说的那样，加一个过渡句，文字会流畅得多]


[ ps 其他的建议都被菠萝说完了，而且很具体哦！我没什么说的了，就给你留一个越来越的多种表达方式的参考把~~
  “越来越”，不要只使用more and more
  >>>>>> More and more students find learning English has become more and more difficult.
  ----- Students in growing numbers find learning has become increasingly difficult.
>>>>>> More and more teenagers smoke cigarettes in recent years.
------- Teenage smoking is on the rise in recent years.

>>>>>> More and more teachers are demanded with the development of economy.
------- There is an increasing demand for teachers with the development of economy]

forbeckUID: 2297645

这个新软件，用这手生，有什么看不清的，直接问我好了~~~:handshake

futuremanUID: 2327059

赞牛儿~~~

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

都记下了~谢谢~:loveliness:

kut1230UID: 2369693

第二段开头
这里我觉得应该是从省钱的角度去考虑,互联网一般是基于电脑,但实际上电脑比电话和手机都要贵
Despite the expense of facility within using internet is higher than, for example, telephone, mobile phone and so on, the cost in communication based on internet is the cheapest which also means  save can be much more than pay.

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

:loveliness: