第一篇作文练习，请大家帮助批改。

quekehanmuUID: 160733

题目是该不该参加part time job。
Should college students be encouraged to take up a part time job?


  One of the most controversial issues that everyone could not help pondering is whether students should be encouraged to take up a part time job. It has long been considered only proper and right that study is the students' only duty moreover part-time job would steal much valuable time. Whereas, is this really the case? Evidence remains in existence fail to bear out the argument. After pondering different aspects of this debate thoroughly, I hold the opinion that part-time job should be encouraged for the following reasons.
  To begin with, part-time job could give students much financial benefit. In our country, vast majority of parents always work hard during their whole life to support children's education while never enjoy the real taste of life. Students' part-time job earning would solve partial cost of their education whilst reduce pressure on their parents' shoulders. Furthermore, students have dominator on this money, could buy something that they have looked forward for a long period of time just because they earn this money by themselves.
  There is undeniable that part-time job can make much more opportunities for students to look into the society, furthermore to apply what learn in class into practice. As far as I am concerned, last semester I attended in turf management class. At the same time, I did a turf management job on weekend. After that term, I received a extremely good score in this class since I am more proficient in turf management than other students. Howbeit, my practiced skill is just resulted from the part-time job experience.
  Admittedly, every coin has two sides. No one can deny the fact that part-time job truly has some negative effect on student, namely occupying students' partial time, increasing the chances of impacting by the social evil. Whenas, these disadvantages can be prevented by school and students themselves efficiently.
  In sum, it is very likely that people will never arrive at the same conclusion over this problem, due to their different experiences and conflicting values. Nevertheless, taking into account all the dimensions of the issue discussed in the above analysis, I insist that part-time's positive affections have largely outweighed its negative ones.


麻烦各位高手帮忙改一改

jiang08UID: 2391146

写得很不错咯lz！加油加油！就是第一段最后一局的前半句，这样写可能比较好一点：After weighing the pros and cons of the issue thoroughly, i.....

quekehanmuUID: 160733

谢谢你的意见
各位请继续狠批！

violin75UID: 2366967

One of the most controversial issues that everyone could not help pondering is whether students should be encouraged to take up a part time job. It has long been(been long) considered (only proper and right??)at study is the students' only duty moreoverpart-time job would steal much valuable time. (however), is this really the case? Evidence remains in existence fail to bear out the argument. After pondering different aspects of this debate thoroughly, I hold the opinion that part-time job should be encouraged for the following reasons.
  To begin with, part-time job could give students much financial benefit. In our country, vast majority of parents always work hard during their whole life to support children's education while never enjoy the real taste of life. Students' part-time job earning would solve partial cost of their education whilst reduce(lighten) the pressure on their parents' shoulders. Furthermore, students have dominator on this money, could buy something that they have looked forward for a long period of time just because(for) they earn this money by themselves.
  There is undeniable (fact )that part-time job can make much more opportunities for students to look into the society, furthermore to apply what( they have learned) in class into practice. As far as I am concerned, last semester I attended in turf management class. At the same time, I did a turf management job on weekend. After that term, I received a extremely good score in this class since I am more proficient in turf management than other students. Howbeit, my practiced skill is just resulted from（ promoted)by thepart-time job experience.
Admittedly, every coin has two sides. No one can deny the fact that part-time job truly has some negative effect on student, namely occupying students' partial time, increasing the chances of impacting by the social evil. Whenas, these disadvantages can be prevented by school and students themselves efficiently.
  In sum, it is very likely that people will never arrive at the same conclusion over this problem, due to their different experiences and conflicting values. Nevertheless, taking into account all the dimensions of the issue discussed in the above analysis, I insist that part-time's positive affections(effect) have (has)largely outweighed its negative ones.

LZ第一次写就 能写这么好，厉害哦，我是新手，一起加油~

[ 本帖最后由 violin75 于 2007-9-1 23:46 编辑 ]

quekehanmuUID: 160733

谢谢各位的帮助！