第2篇作文.555.指导指导我吧..T-T

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour.
What do you think are the cause of this?
What solutions can you suggest?

From a great number of news and reports, we can read that more and more students are involved in some negative events, such as violence, drug dealings and etc. Some of them are even killed on campus. Some educational experts have gone to pondering: what are the reasons of this?

School is the place from where students learn their knowledge. Yet, most schools are paying more attention on students’ intelligence educating and neglecting their moral educating. So, bad manners and abuse and bully often take place on campus.

Furthermore, more and more small young gangsters have formed in today’s society. Most of them are homeless, divorced family and so on. They always enter the campus and force many students to hand in them “protection fee”. Some of them even force students to join them to make involve them in illegal dealings of drugs or other things and share the profits. These people have badly influenced the students

Once students are at school, schools should have the responsibility to take charge of every behaviours of students. They should strengthen the administration of school, no admittance except students and staffs and cutting away every chance of contacts between students and unidentified people. In spite of this, schools also have to pay more attention on essential educating. Such as offering more lessons of moral educating and holding more activities to announce moral educating or cultivating students’ interests on study.

Guiding students into right ways or cultivating people’s quality for society are pouring hopes into our future, physically, psychologically and morally.

[ 本帖最后由 H-Kevin 于 2007-9-12 21:18 编辑 ]

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

:confused: :confused: 后面的字怎么这么大？！？

ray-dayUID: 2366509

From a great number of news and reports, we can read that more and more students are involved in some negative events,

这句话是否很麻烦？ A great number of news and reports reveal that more and more students are involved in some negative events recently, 这样行不？
such as violence, drug dealings etc. Some of them even have been killed on campus.
So educational experts have gone to pondering: what are the reasons of this?
开头段落最好能够提出自己观点，因为题目要求是你怎么看待这些问题的，你的解决建议是什么。

School is the place from where students learn their knowledge. Yet, most schools are paying more attention on students’ intelligence educating and neglecting their moral educating. So, bad manners and abuse and bully often take place on campus.

Furthermore, more and more 去掉small吧young gangsters have formed in today’s society. Most of them are homeless, from the divorced family and so on. They always enter the campus and force many students to hand in them “protection fee”. Some of them even force students to join them to make involve them in illegal dealings of drugs or other things and share the profits. These people have badly influenced the students

Once students are at school, schools should (have the responsibility to) 去掉括号里的,和 take charge of 意思重复. take charge of students’ behaviors . They should strengthen the administration of school, no admittance except students and staffs and cutting away every chance of contacts between students and unidentified people. In spite of this, schools also have to pay more attention on essential educating. Such as offering more lessons of moral educating and holding more activities to announce moral educating or cultivating students’ interests on study.

Guiding students into right ways or cultivating people’s quality for society are pouring hopes into our future, physically, psychologically and morally.

看完后比较绕头 文章有语法错误, 句子之间缺少逻辑关系. 能够感觉出作者想要表达的意思. 建议每段有个中心句,比如说: 当今社会小痞子越来越多,他们把魔抓伸向校园,所以对学生的行为有不好的影响. 然后再具体说他们是如何如何带坏学生的.这样就顺畅多了. 整篇感觉比较散. 不过单个的词汇不错.

如果能先看点例文, 从中学习下, 相信下篇作者的文章会比这篇更好.

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

感激ing....谢谢指导ed...:handshake :loveliness:

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

写作文脑子还是好混乱...:(

futuremanUID: 2327059

revising..

futuremanUID: 2327059

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour.
What do you think are the cause of this?
What solutions can you suggest?

From a great number of [pieces of，news不可数]news and reports, we can read that more and more students are involved in some negative events, such as violence, drug dealings and etc. Some of them are even killed on campus. Some educational experts have gone to pondering: what are the reasons of this?[疑问句不能做全文TS，最好再加一句指明全文观点，主语用自己]

School is the place [Schools are places,注意泛指]from where students learn their knowledge.[这句话至多是论证句，而不是本段TS，你的TS要清晰的告诉读者本段中心，比如The first reason for…..is…..] Yet, most schools are paying more attention on students’ intelligence educating [education]and neglecting their moral educating. So, bad manners and abuse and bully often take place on campus.[从school角度解释bad behavior的原因]

Furthermore, more and more small [small多余]young gangsters have formed in today’s society. Most of them are homeless, divorced family [most of them are divorced family通顺么]and so on. They always enter the campus and force many students to hand in them “protection fee”. Some of them even force students to join them to make involve them in illegal dealings of drugs or other things and share the profits. These people have badly influenced the students [从学生和家庭两方面解释原因]

Once students are at school, schools should have the responsibility to [should/ have responsibility重复]take charge of every behavior of students.[这句TS还不错] They should strengthen the administration of school, no admittance except students and staffs and cutting away every chance of contacts between students and unidentified people. In spite of this, [in spite of用在这里，整个意思就变味了]schools also have to pay more attention on essential educating. Such as offering more lessons of moral educating and holding more activities to announce moral educating or cultivating students’ interests on study.

Guiding students into right ways or cultivating people’s quality for society are [is]pouring hopes into our future, physically, psychologically and morally.[这句话头太重了，不像英文写作，应该用it is…..to…..比较地道]

1>我很喜欢你这篇的思维切入角度，分了学校学生和家庭社会这几个方面来论述behavior原因，但还需要把你论述的思路进一步清晰，也就是你的问题在于各个reason以及reason与solution的段落间缺少衔接，缺少必要的过渡句和衔接词，中间的论述过程也需要加一些信号词来增强逻辑联系。
2>注意TS的问题
3>注意词汇的替换，more and more=increasing, climbing,等等，以及动名词和名词的区别，用education而不是educating。

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-9-13 12:38 编辑 ]

jbbvsjzzUID: 2390457

:handshake ;) :loveliness: 谢谢菠萝gg...奋ing