请求修改（秋秋作文）

jingjk84UID: 2426216

题目：In most parts of the world, the volume of traffic is growing at an alarming rate. In the form of an assignment, discuss about the main traffic problems in your country, their causes and possible solutions.

Now with our entry into the twenty-first century, it is easy for us to picture out what the rush-hour traffic is and how astound the accident happened. More and more traffic jams occurred day and night not only in the biggest cities of China such as Beijing, Shanghai and Taibei, but also in the middle size cities, even in the small cities. More often than not, a litany of traffic problems could be found during 7:00am to 9:00am of weekdays that there are so many people squeezed in the subways and buses in order to go to work in time. And thousands of hundreds of people died because of traffic accidents every year in China. Traffic is becoming a big problem of China which we should face up to it seriously in a few years.
The first and most obvious reason associated with traffic problem is that overpopulation leads to the high population density, causing limited social space for residents. The further reason is that the government is lacking in infrastructure construction, such as the restructuring of the Metro system, elevated ways, light tracks and superhighways. What’s more, abuse of private cars would take public transport instead, which is harmful to our traffic system in a long run. The final reason that I would like to raise is that the citizens lack social awareness and consciousness for traffic situation in order such as driving after drinking.
Needless to say, it is necessary for us to carry out some effective ways to solve the traffic problems. First, the government should carry out a severe and detailed rule check over the immigration regulations or build satellites cities in the outskirts. As we all know, Paris set up a satellite city successfully and stood a good example for other cities. Second, the government should increase investment and appropriate funds to the infrastructure construction of the city. Third, according to the phenomenon of private cars, the government could levy high tariffs on the luxurious products and develop the public transport much better than before. Last but not least, we should increase people’s awareness and consciousness through social campaign and promotion in order to help citizens to establish their sense of security.
Only by further developing traffic system in this way at local, regional and national level, can we live in a safe and harmony society.<390字左右>

jingjk84UID: 2426216

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H-KevinUID: 2182070

原帖由 jingjk84 于 2007-11-16 00:08 发表

In most parts of the world, the volume of traffic is growing at an alarming rate. In the form of an assignment, discuss about the main traffic problems in your country, their causes and possible solutions.

Now with our entry into the twenty-first century(不能这么说吧，很别扭), it is easy for us to picture out what the rush-hour traffic is and how astound the accident happened（和你前面那句逻辑关系）. More and more traffic jams occurred day and night not only in the biggest cities of China such as Beijing, Shanghai and Taibei, but also in the middle size cities, even in the small cities.（句子很长，但是很累赘，属于没有意义的长句，其实可以用很简单的几个此表达这句的意思） More often than not, a litany of traffic problems（？） could be found during 7:00am to 9:00am of weekdays（only happened in weekdays? ） that there are so many people squeezed in the subways and buses in order to go to work in time. And thousands of hundreds of people died because of traffic accidents every year in China(句子结构有问题). Traffic is becoming a big problem of China which we should face up to it seriously in a few years.（1。结构有问题，2。和段落的主体脱离，3。用词不当）

The first and most obvious reason associated with traffic problem is that overpopulation leads to the high population density（？）, causing limited social space for residents（和前面不是一个意思吗？）. The further reason is that the government is lacking in infrastructure construction, such as the restructuring of the Metro system, elevated ways, light tracks and superhighways（这点其实很好，但是你放的不是位置，金子变成了石头）. What’s more, abuse of private cars would take public transport instead, which is harmful to our traffic system in a long run. The final reason that I would like to raise is that the citizens lack social awareness and consciousness for traffic situation in order such as driving after drinking（句子结构~）.

Needless to say, it is necessary for us to carry out some effective ways to solve the traffic problems. First, the government should carry out a severe and detailed rule check over the immigration regulations（有什么关系？） or build satellites cities in the outskirts. As we all know, Paris set up a satellite city successfully and stood a good example for other cities（例子不够完整）. Second, the government should increase investment and appropriate funds to the infrastructure construction of the city.（注意位置，文章布局~） Third, according to the phenomenon of private cars, the government could levy high tariffs on the luxurious products and develop the public transport much better than before. Last but not least, we should increase people’s awareness and consciousness through social campaign and promotion in order to help citizens to establish their sense of security.

Only by further developing traffic system in this way at local, regional and national level, can we live in a safe and harmony society

1。文章我没有看完，LZ你要认识到你写作的不足，你需要注意的东西很多
2。文章结构很散，第一段布局很乱找不到中心，第二段还不错，但是应该和第三段重新编排下布局
3。语法错误还是蛮多的，用词也不准确
4。一开始一定要切题，你的文章到了后期才开始点题，但是前面大量的语法错误，用词错误，和零散布局，已经给后面的部分带来了很不好的印象分
5。你的词汇不是问题，同样的词汇量绝对可以写出7分以上的文章来
6。但是你这篇文章估计在5分的水平
7。建议：1〉好好看看语法书 2〉看看范文的结构和布局 3〉看看论坛内的作文的点评，精华区有 4〉注意切题和明朗的主题句

个人意见，仅供参考

H-KevinUID: 2182070

下面这几个连接的作文，你要好好看看，学习下~~ 加油~~

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