Aero组 第二次作业 argument15

sheldenUID: 2338299

TOPIC: ARGUMENT15 - The following appeared in a newsletter offering advice to investors.

"Over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent survey indicated a desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol, and today low-fat products abound in many food stores. Since many of the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries are high in fat and cholesterol, the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly and their profits will no doubt decrease. We therefore advise Old Dairy stockholders to sell their shares and other investors not to purchase stock in this company."
WORDS: 307          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2007-12-20 11:08:55

With observing the a specious chain of events from low-fat products abound in many stores to many of the Old Dairy Industries containing high fat and cholesterol , the author recommends stockholders of the company to sell their shares and other investors not to buy the stock further more. Clear scrutiny into these chain facts, however, reveals that none of them lend a convincing support to the recommendation.

Firstly, the author did not give us the exact time of the survey with just a vague word “recent”. So it is entirely possible that the survey maybe over time. Because it is such a fast-changing world, things develop beyond our anticipation. In this case, the information of this survey could not show the reality of the market. So the author cannot draw any sound conclusion from this survey.

Even assuming the time of this survey is near enough and its result is contributing to be analyzed, the author fails to provide adequate evidence to prove that the fat and cholesterol in the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries is high beyond people’s usual level. Which company does the survey and how the survey starts? How do they make this conclusion? Statistics is a thing which needs lots of special and technical knowledge. Without these, we have to suspect the suggestion the author say.

Even if most food products that the company produced are high-fat, the author ignores the important attribute of Old Dairy Industries-it is a company that sells milk, younger and some relating products. It is common knowledge that even the free-fat milk products are comparatively high in fat and cholesterol, let alone the ordinary ones. On the other hand, we may assume if all the products of the Old Dairy Industries are low in fat, people may doubt the ability of producing qualified milk.

Also, the author fails to give enough support to show that high-fat means low profit even if we admit that 80 percent people prefer reduce their intake of fat food. In daily life, most people have chosen milk as their breakfast since their childhood. It has become a inveterate habit which could not be changed easily. They may reduce their intake of fat food by on a diet of pork, beef and other high fat food.

Overall, this article is unconvincing as it stands which made the recommendation of abandoning the stock of Old Dairy Industries unbelievable. If the author would like to strengthen his recommendation, he should provide us much more details on the two surveys and consider more about the income and expense situation or other facts of the company besides the fat rate of the products.

速度是大问题啊

saavedroUID: 2423190

TOPIC: ARGUMENT15 - The following appeared in a newsletter offering advice to investors.

"Over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent survey indicated a desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol, and today low-fat products abound in many food stores. Since many of the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries are high in fat and cholesterol, the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly and their profits will no doubt decrease. We therefore advise Old Dairy stockholders to sell their shares and other investors not to purchase stock in this company."
WORDS: 307  (字数是不是太少了？请问你是刚开始练习吗？ 要是刚开始的话 我个人认为没必要卡时间？这样反倒对于你的逻辑思路表达不利，应该是考试前一个月开始模考的时候计算时间？）        TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2007-12-20 11:08:55

With observing the a specious（这个词是不是文学色彩太浓了，如果用一个逻辑性味道强点的词也是表达似是而非的意思，可以选择：paradox)   chain of events from low-fat products abound in many stores to many of the Old Dairy Industries containing high fat and cholesterol , the author recommends stockholders of the company to sell their shares and other investors not to buy the stock further more. （这句话很有气势，开头表明所要攻击的逻辑错误以及作者的错误观念，很好啊，但是我还是建议最好把所要攻击的逻辑错误能用承接词或者相关表达一一列举出来这样更好，无论从字数上还是效果上都能更加明晰。）Clear scrutiny（这个词是名词，这么用似乎不太合适，如果改成 Scrutinize this argument clearly) （删除into these改成that a chain of  facts, )however, reveals that none of them lend a convincing support to (个人感觉这个短语用得好，尤其在这里特别好，楼主是从北美范文上看到的吧 呵呵？）the recommendation(s).加S ，作者提出了两项建议。

Firstly, the author did not give us the exact time of the survey with just a vague word “recent”.（在这里有一个提议，最好顺带着攻击一下有关于这个调查持续了多长时间？或者是详细的调查数据情况，要不然显得很淡薄，不能完全体现出逻辑的连贯性和关联性。另外这一部分再上面开头段应该点明或者暗示出来，不然总觉得这里有些唐突） So it is entirely possible that the survey maybe（may be 充字数 呵呵) over time（如果用 on time expired(是不是更好?)). Because it is such a fast-changing world, things develop beyond our anticipation.（应该后面继续补充一句结果会怎么样？要不然显得很不全，因为前面那个definition of "vague"就是一个朦胧概念，这里如果能详细说明的话就会更好，一者补充了前面的不足，二者进一步说明和体现TOPIC SENTENCE的说明举例，就像是 摆事实，讲道理，这样更具有充实性） In this case, the information of this survey could not show the reality of the market. So the author cannot draw any sound conclusion from this survey.

Even assuming the time of this survey is near enough (near enough 用 adequately illustrating this tendency更好书面化（还真没见过这种表达方式） and its result is contributing to be analyzed, the author fails to provide adequate evidence to prove that the fat and cholesterol in the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries is high beyond people’s usual level.(可以加从句说明usual level 的情况） （这里最好加承接词）Which company does the survey and how the survey starts? How do they make this conclusion? Statistics is a thing which needs lots of special and technical knowledge.（这里好像有些问题，攻击他的应该是调查的对象和方法的问题，并不是调查者再特殊和相关领域的技术知识？这里和前面不呼应） Without these, we have to suspect the suggestion （in which ）the author say.

Even if most food products that the company produced are high-fat, the author ignores the important attribute(属性？为什么不用operation?) of Old Dairy Industries-it is a company that sells milk, younger and some relating products. It is common knowledge that even the free-fat milk products are comparatively high in fat and cholesterol, let alone the ordinary ones. On the other hand, we may assume if all the products of the Old Dairy Industries are low in fat, people may doubt the ability of producing qualified milk.(这是为什么？为什么所有产品都是低脂的话，制造牛奶质量就会受到人们的怀疑？低脂只是一种品种，不是质量问题啊？？？）

Also, the author fails to give enough support to show that high-fat means low profit even if we admit that 80 percent people prefer reduce their intake of fat food. （很不错的一句话，点明观点到位，语言也颇为漂亮）In daily life, most people have chosen milk as their breakfast since their childhood. It has become a inveterate（漂亮的GRE词汇） habit which could not be changed easily. They may reduce their intake of fat food by on a diet of pork, beef and other high fat food.

Overall, this article is unconvincing as it stands which made the recommendation of abandoning the stock of Old Dairy Industries unbelievable.（和前面的UNCONVINCING重复了，应该去掉） If the author would like to strengthen his recommendation, he should provide us much more details on the two surveys and consider （that加上这个，and and or 貌似并列关系有些混乱)more about the income and expense situation or other facts of the company besides the fat rate of the products.（结尾写的很好，真的很漂亮，总结的和提议的到位而且语言也很精。）

cacipolarUID: 2186882

看来应该是准备一段时间的人了，但字数确实有点少啊。字数少了，感觉就不容易论证的很完备。
With observing the a specious chain of events from low-fat products abound in many stores to many of the Old Dairy Industries containing high fat and cholesterol , the author recommends stockholders of the company to sell their shares and other investors not to buy the stock further more. Clear scrutiny into these chain facts, however, reveals that none of them lend a convincing support to the recommendation.(北美范文第一篇就讲过那个最常用的方式，结论+论据+缺陷，那个挺不错的，建议能像上面SAVVADO所说的那样)Firstly, the author did not give us the exact time of the survey with just a vague word “recent”. So it is entirely possible that the survey maybe over time. Because it is such a fast-changing world, things develop beyond our anticipation. In this case, the information of this survey could not show the reality of the market. So the author cannot draw any sound conclusion from this survey.Even assuming the time of this survey is near（nearly吧） enough and its result is contributing to be analyzed, the author fails to provide adequate evidence to prove that the fat and cholesterol in the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries is high beyond people’s usual level. Which company does the survey （……好像缺成分把）and how the survey starts? How do they make this conclusion? Statistics is a thing which needs lots of special and technical knowledge. Without these, we have to suspect the suggestion the author say.(says)Even if most food products that the company produced are high-fat, the author ignores the important attribute of Old Dairy Industries-it is a company that sells milk, younger and some relating products. It is common knowledge that even the free-fat milk products are comparatively high in fat and cholesterol, let alone the ordinary ones. On the other hand, we may assume if all the products of the Old Dairy Industries are low in fat, people may doubt the ability of producing qualified milk. （没读懂）Also, the author fails to give enough support to show that high-fat means low profit even if we admit that 80 percent people prefer reduce their intake of fat food. In daily life, most people have chosen milk as their breakfast since their childhood. It has become a inveterate habit which could not be changed easily. They may reduce their intake of fat food by on a diet of pork, beef and other high fat food.Overall, this article is unconvincing as it stands which made(makes) the recommendation of abandoning the stock of Old Dairy Industries unbelievable. If the author would like to strengthen his recommendation, he should provide us much more details on the two surveys and consider more about the income and expense situation or other facts of the company besides the fat rate of the products.