issue5 改了又改

velmawhiteUID: 2394088

题目：ISSUE5 - "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
字数：481          用时：上午 01:16:23          日期：2007-12-20

提纲 平衡观点
同样的课程：只有政府能有效保证，因为地方由于重视程度的不同或者资源的限制导致教育差异,教育质量下降，而且不同的课程导致大学很难设计课程为同学
学校自己设计课程：例子要考虑少数民族保存自己文化的需要

Should a nation require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college or allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer? The speaker prefers the former. I am agree partly with the speaker even it is significant to have a same education background for all. In my opinion, all of the students should be asked for to learn the same national fundamental curriculum while the schools could supply some extra courses as a complement of the national courses. And also permit some schools to determine the courses by themselves in some certain cases.

I turn to my point with the statement that only the nation can guarantee the education program step by step effectively. By virtue of the laws and regulation schools all over the country are constrained to focus on the very same national fundamental courses rather than supply various courses as a result of the diverse extent of emphasis on education, the recourse of the school and so on. If an authority of the area pays more attention on economic rather than education. Then the schools of that direction will possibly not offer the strict criterion on education. And ,for instance, if a school that has the absent of music or math teacher will probably omit the correspond course instead of introducing the teacher taking the account of the difficult appeal of the teacher of that subject. And thus result in the incomplete education that the students from this school and will be less competitive than others.

In addition, the college courses usually depend on the fundamental courses. If we could not guarantee all of the would-be college students have received the same national courses, it will be difficult for the college to devise an education plan to all of these students who have very much deferent education background.

On the other hand, the nation should permit local schools to determine which academic courses to be taught when it comes to the students of some ethic groups. As it is known that there exist a considerable amount of diverse ethic groups that have their own cultures and languages which are different from the mainstream. In my observation, these kinds of groups have strong awareness to conserve their own languages and other aspects. So it is the best way to offer such courses at school. Besides, these ethic groups are the ingredients of the nation, and the nation has not the obligation and authority to deprive the ethic to own their culture in the view of humanity. So the nation should give the way to meet such kind of need.

In sum, If the local schools have freedom to some extent to dictate which curriculum beside the national courses to be take on, it will be more beneficial to students.  And when it comes to the need of the interests of some ethic groups, the nation should allow the schools determine which academic course to be offer.

[ 本帖最后由 velmawhite 于 2008-1-19 18:21 编辑 ]

穿着拖鞋追你UID: 2375959

好不容易改到一半，竟然没保存死机！伤心啊。。。:(

[ 本帖最后由 穿着拖鞋追你 于 2007-12-24 01:58 编辑 ]

穿着拖鞋追你UID: 2375959

题目：ISSUE5 - "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
字数：481          用时：上午 01:16:23          日期：2007-12-20

提纲平衡观点同样的课程：只有政府能有效保证，因为地方由于重视程度的不同或者资源的限制导致教育差异,教育质量下降，而且不同的课程导致大学很难设计课程为同学学校自己设计课程：例子要考虑少数民族保存自己文化的需要

Should a nation require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college or allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer? The speaker prefers the former. 【，while自然过渡】I am[去掉] agree partly with the speaker even if it is significant to have a【the】 same education background for all. In my opinion, all of the students should be asked for【去掉】 to learn the same national fundamental curriculum while the schools could supply some extra courses as a complement of the national courses【可去】. And also permit some schools【缺主语啊，some schools should also be permitted 】 to determine the courses by themselves in some certain cases.

I turn to my point with the statement 【turn to 想表达向…什么求助的意思吗？直接写成turn to my statement吧】that only the nation can guarantee the education’s program [carried out] step by step effectively. By virtue of the laws and regulation, schools all over the country are constrained to focus on[school…focus on…courses搭配不一致,可改成offer] the very same national fundamental courses rather than supply various courses as a result of the diverse extent of emphasis on education, the recourse【？想表达什么意思】 of the school and so on. If an【the】 authority of the 【an】area pays more attention on【to】 economic rather than education. Then the schools of that direction【district？】 will possibly not offer the【a】 strict criterion on education.【和前面的一句话好像没有必然的因果关系吧】And ,for instance, if a school that has the absent【adj，is in the dearth】 of music or math【 mathematics,gre中不要用math】 teacher will probably omit the correspond course instead of introducing the teacher taking the account of the difficult appeal of the teacher of that subject【？？？，这句话实在令人费解啊，呵呵】. And 【主语呢？】thus result in the【an】 incomplete education that the students from this school and【去掉】 will be less competitive than others【用their counterparts不是更好？】.

In addition, the college courses usually depend on【？are mainly】the fundamental courses. If we could not guarantee all of the would-be college students have received[receive更准确一点] the same national courses【有这种用法吗？】, it will be difficult for the college to devise a【proper】 education plan to all of these students who have very much【去掉】 deferent【different】 educational backgrounds.

On the other hand, the nation should permit local schools to determine which academic courses to be taught，especially when it comes to the students of some ethic groups【some minorities】. As it【去掉】 is known that there exist【are】 a considerable amount of diverse ethic groups【minorities】 that have their own cultures and languages which are different from the mainstream’s. In [According to] my observation, these kinds ofgroups have strong awareness to conserve their own languages and other aspects. So it is the best way to offer such courses at school【可去】. Besides, these ethic groups【。。。】 are the ingredients of the【a】 nation, and the nation has not the obligation and authority to deprive the ethic to【of】their own culture in the view of humanity. So【And，前面有so了】 the nation should give the【去掉】 way【不是一种好的表达方法，should try their best】 to meet such kind of【可去】need.

In sum, If【if】 the【some】 local schools have freedom to some extent to dictate which curriculum besides the national courses to be take on, it will be more beneficial to students.  And when it comes to the need of the interests of some ethic groups【。。。】, the nation should allow the schools 【to】determine which academic courses to be offer.

呵呵，不要怪我手狠啊，我这个人可能有点较真了，我把我认为的小毛病都挑了出来，不一定对了，你自己挑着看啊！:)
说下对你文章的感受及意见吧：
1：文章想要表达的观点明确。可惜每段好像都不能独立出来，形成一个小整体，作者想用论述少数民族作为例证，对吗，可是它应该作为某一段的辅证，不应该从头到尾论述它的重要性啊！显得有点牵牵绊绊了，呵呵，个人观点！
2:有些动词用的不是很准确，容易产生误解，且难以真正把握你想要表述的意思。
3：句式比较丰富，但是有些地方可以简练一点，可以更地道一点，还有就是前后逻辑和动宾搭配稍加注意一下。（见批注）
4：一点小建议啊：初写最好不要限时，这样可能写出真正漂亮的文章来！也能更好发挥自己的实力！
纯属愚见，仅供参考！多多交流啊！:handshake

velmawhiteUID: 2394088

辛苦啦
谢谢啦！

velmawhiteUID: 2394088

题目：ISSUE5 - "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
字数：481          用时             日期：2007-12-20
提纲 平衡观点 保留同意
1．上大学之前的教育就是为了给大学做准备所以要统一课程：构架知识体系，大学公平选拔
2. 教育是国家的职能之一同样的课程：只有政府能有效保证协调
3，因为地方（偏题是学校）由于重视程度的不同或者资源的限制导致教育差异,教育质量下降，而且不同的课程导致大学很难设计课程为同学
4.学校自己设计课程：例子要考虑少数民族保存自己文化的需要

People are increasingly growing concerned that how to conduct education since education in modern society is a difficult but so crucial task. Should a nation require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college or allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer? The speaker prefers the former. I agree partly with the speaker even it is significant to have a same education background for all with my own reservation. In my view, all of the students should be asked for to learn the same national fundamental courses. Meanwhile the nation should flexibly allow the school to determine which academic courses to offer.he schools could supply some extra courses as a complement of the national courses nd also permit some schools to determine the courses by themselves in some certain cases.

To begin with, public education before college serves as a preparation for college education. After entering college, students should choose the diverse major to be training basic job-related skills for the sake of survival in the technological competitive society. The aim of education is to transform children into well-rounded adults. While students in college face separate and narrow majors, they need a comprehensive knowledge system. So before entering college they should have same curricula to enrich their mind instead of allow schools to make dissension on the subjects, as this may cause imbalance among different subjects. Deep down, studying the same courses means children have the same background and this will be equal to them when faced to the entrance examination of college. As a preparation for entering college, it is wise to demand children study the same courses.

I turn to my point with the statement that In addition, nation can conduct well to ensure education more systematical and effective rather than schools make their own demands on children. Nation can guarantee the education program step by step effectively and systematically. By virtue of the laws and regulation schools all over the country are constrained to focus on the very same national fundamental courses and also can easily realize which areas are poor in education as the students have the same education background. So the nation can effectively organize and invest essential energy to the area. Form these points, the same curricula devised by nation can ensure the effectiveness of education.

Moreover, to allow schools determine which academic courses to offer may bring about side effect. Since there will be diverse extent of emphasis, recourse on of the schools education and maybe the authority of the area pays more attention on economic rather than education, then the schools of that direction will possibly not offer the strict criterion on education. For instance, if a school that has the absent of music teacher will probably omit the correspond course instead of introducing the teacher taking the account of the difficult appeal of the teacher of that subject. And thus result in the incomplete education that the students from this school and will be less competitive than others.

Nevertheless On the other hand, the nation should permitlocal schools also can determine which academic courses to be taught on particular cases. For example, when it comes to the students of some ethic groups, which is the case. As it is known that there exist a considerable amount of diverse ethic groups that have their own cultures and languages which are different from the mainstream. In my observation, these kinds of groups they have strong awareness to conserve their own their culture such as language. So it is the best way to offer such courses at school. Besides, these ethic groups are the ingredients of the nation, and the nation has not the obligation and authority to deprive the ethic to own their culture in the view of humanity. So A nation should give the way to allow the schools to determine by themselves for balancing various kind of need to some extent

In sum, if the local schools have freedom to some extent to dictate which curriculum beside the national courses to be take on; what is wise is that public education before the college should emphasize on the same curricula in the perspective of both students and colleges. And when it comes to the some special need of the interests of some ethic groups, the nation should allow the schools determine which academic course to be offer.

下划线是不要的 最近忙改作文 欢迎来改 改完留链接哈

[ 本帖最后由 velmawhite 于 2008-1-19 18:17 编辑 ]