ISSUE5 请指点

foolgUID: 2393739

自己英语水平很菜，望多多指出缺点，应该怎么提高。诚心求教！谢谢啦
5 ."A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."

Whether a basic national curriculum should be taken by all different parts of the nation, the speaker claimed so. As far as I am concerned, certain common basic curricula play an indispensable role in any nation and it involves essential merits. Meanwhile, individual local could open some sorts of courses with local feature. Otherwise, the education system might forfeit its inherent nature.

     One reason for my fundamentally agreement with the speaker is that a common national curriculum can cultivate the student efficiently in basic knowledge and morality and overall personality. First of all, in the nation level, it can allocate much more fund on the process of studying the material and test which should and which should not be taught to the students. With the support of fund, the material and test are selected more carefully and deliberately from a broader scale. In addition, educational experts among the nation wide would be brought together to edit and decide courses. To do this, textbooks with reasonable content and proper difficulty are provided to the student. Therefore, the quality and pace of courses can be ensured and the students accept the knowledge in their capacity gradually.

   Another reason why I essentially agree with the speaker is that the basic curriculum brings a number of benefits. To the student, they can quickly engage in learning material of the same grade at a new school when they have to transfer to another state because of objective or subjective reasons. To the college, the basic curriculum facilitates the administrator and faculty to set forth the entrance examination to select the student they needed and reversely it is impartial for the student to achieve their ideal. At the same time, it is also convenient to design the courses for the freshmen to further study and develop personality. To the nation, the basic curriculum would help ensure the requirement of nation to the student in becoming a qualified citizen in literacy and morality.

   However, over emphasize on the basic national curriculum would demolish the diverse culture and custom in a nation. The local requires freedom to open curriculum according to its culture and needs. No one understands more than the local people as to local culture and local student needs. The courses with local character not only make the local student learn about their culture and custom but also grant the local feature remain. Suppose there is no local curriculum as supplement, the featured culture and custom will soon be forgotten and gradually disappear, which is a great loss to the nation.

   In sum, I do believe we need a balance between nation and local in curriculum. The basic common curriculum qualified the student with knowledge and skill which can serve the society in the future. Meanwhile, the freedom of local to design certain courses related to the local culture can keep the cultural diversity and tradition.

iq28UID: 2152875

5 ."A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."

Whether a basic national curriculum should be taken by all different parts of the nation, (不应该再是逗号了) the speaker claimed so. As far as I am concerned, certain common basic curricula play an indispensable role in any nation and （不要偷懒用and这种最随意的连接词，后面要表现出是前面的原因，不要写了一大堆东西都是比较无序地对方在那里的。）it involves essential merits. Meanwhile, individual local could open some sorts of courses with local feature. （转平衡态度的时候不要太突兀，搞得自己没有立场一样。后面otherwise只是后果，不如不说，在前面提到需要平衡的原因。）Otherwise, the education system might forfeit its inherent nature.

     One reason for my fundamentally agreement with the speaker is that a common national curriculum can cultivate the student efficiently in basic knowledge and morality and overall personality. （不要这么连着用and）First of all, in （on）the national level, it can allocate much more fund on the process of studying the material and test which should and which should not be taught to the students. With the support of fund, the material and test are selected more carefully and deliberately from a broader scale. In addition, educational experts among the nation wide would be brought together to edit and decide courses. To do this, （什么意思？没看明白）textbooks with reasonable content and proper difficulty are provided to the student. Therefore, the quality and pace of courses can be ensured and the students accept the knowledge in their capacity gradually.（段首讲到的是可以得到基础的知识，道德和人格教育，而下面讲得都不是这几点。如果要对本段作出总结，更好的应该是国家层面上丰富的人力物力更加适合开发出合适的课程。）

   Another reason why I essentially agree with the speaker is that the basic curriculum brings a number of benefits. （这种主题句是最失败的一种，brings a number benefits，毫无信息量，等于没说。） To （For）the student, they can quickly engage in learning material of the same grade at a new school when they have to transfer to another state because of objective or subjective reasons. （划线可以删除，和主题无关。而且说对于学生的优点只是转学方便太小了。）To the college, the basic curriculum facilitates the administrator and faculty to set forth the entrance examination to select the student they needed and reversely it is impartial for the student to achieve their ideal. （不要老是用and连接长句，过于单调，表意也不精确。）At the same time, it is also convenient to design the courses for the freshmen to further study and develop personality. To the nation, the basic curriculum would help ensure the requirement of nation to the student in becoming a qualified citizen in literacy and morality. （其实内容就一个，那就是容易规范化。论证过程中句子内部思路有些乱，经常会说到一些和本句论证没什么用的空话（红字）红字不要当然不行，但是不是此处要论证的重点，说太多就不好了。介词用的好多比较便扭，读起来不太舒服。）

   However, over emphasize on the basic national curriculum would demolish the diverse culture and custom in a nation. The local requires freedom to open curriculum according to its culture and needs. No one understands more than the local people as to local culture and local student needs. （Chinglish……）The courses with local character not only make the local student learn about their culture and custom but also grant the local feature remain. Suppose there is no local curriculum as supplement, the featured culture and custom will soon be forgotten and gradually disappear, which is a great loss to the nation.

   In sum, I do believe we need a balance between nation and local in curriculum. The basic common curriculum qualified the student with knowledge and skill which can serve the society in the future. Meanwhile, the freedom of local to design certain courses related to the local culture can keep the cultural diversity and tradition.

楼主段间写作的思路还是清楚的，没亮点不过也没大问题。但是语言的水平有待提高，尤其是句式和介词的问题，已经严重到了有些影响表意的程度了。
建议去背两篇新概念4或者北美范文来好好加强。加油！