argument95[AWER小组] 求拍

JasonDoveUID: 2322013

TOPIC: ARGUMENT95 - The following appeared in a memo from a budget planner in Sophia County.

"Census data indicate that the number of retired couples without children who are moving into Sophia County is steadily rising; private schools in our county report substantial increases in enrollment; and a statewide survey of parents shows that over 10 percent now support the idea of home schooling instead of public schooling funded by the county government. Such demographic trends suggest that our county will not have to construct new school buildings and that we can therefore decrease the budget for county-funded public schools."
WORDS: 508          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2008/3/7 10:16:31

In this argument, the author claims that there is no need for their county to construct new school buildings and thus there would be a decrease of budget for county-funded public schools. This argument is well-presented but not well-reasoned. There are several facets that are questionable. I will discuss them in turn.

First and foremost,  the census data, which show that there is a steadily increase of the number of retired couples without children who moves into Sophia County, is not a convincing evidence to show that would be less students enroll in public school there. The excrete number of retired couples is not offered. Perhaps there is only about one hundred couples move into Sophia County while there are a million original residents in the county. Thus, a steadily rising of retired couples who move into Sophia County would only be a small number while compared to the number of original residents. Further, even there is a large number of retired couples move in, it does not show that there would be less students enroll in the public school. It is possible that children of original residents are willing to enroll in public school, if so, the number of students of public school may increase, and the county may need to construct some new school buildings.

Secondly, private schools in their county report substantial increased in enrollment does not reveal that the number of students who wish to enroll in public school would decrease. Perhaps, the gross number of students is greatly increased these years, so it is possible that the number of students who are willing to enroll in public school would increase while the number of students in private students increases too.

Thirdly, the author does not provide any evidence to prove that Sophia County is involved in the nationwide survey when it was conducted, if not, I am afraid that the result of the survey would not apply to Sophia's situation. Even the result of the survey is suitable for Sophia, only about ten percent parents who are sampled support home schooling cannot prove that public school would not be popular. Ten percent is only a small part in one hundred percent, that is, more people do not oppose their children to enrolling public school, even if they do not prefer to send their children public school.

Finally, even if it is reasonable for the county to give up the plan to construct new school buildings, the author cannot conclude that the county could decrease the budget for county-funded public school. There is a myriad of other aspects, such as increasing education quality and buying more sophisticated experiment apparatus, might as likely to use money.

In sum, the author fails to substantiate his claim that the county should not construct new school buildings to public schools and should decrease the budget for the county-funded public schools, because evidence in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintains. If the author provides more information with regard to the survey to demonstrate that its result is reliable, the argument would be more convincing.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2008-3-7 23:52 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

In this argument, the author claims that there is no need for their county to construct new school buildings and thus there would be(这里用thus连接很奇怪, 因为no need在题目中对应的是we can decrease, 就是说"可以不...所以我们可以...", 而你的这句表达的是"可以不...所以会..." "可以"是在假设, 因果都是假设则可行, 而原因假设结果却叙述事实就显得与原题逻辑不符. 虽然不是很严重的问题但还是wish the best吧) a decrease of budget for county-funded public schools. This argument is well-presented but not well-reasoned. There are several facets that are questionable. I will discuss them in turn. 开头简洁明了, 很好. First and foremost,  the census data, which show that there is a steadily increase of the number of retired couples without children who moves into Sophia County, is not a convincing evidence to show that would be less students enroll in public school there. The excrete (exact? excrete是排泄...) number of retired couples is not offered. Perhaps there is only about one hundred couples move into Sophia County while there are a million original residents in the county. (到这句之前的reasoning都是perfect, 惟独这里用了很不当的猜测, why "one hundred"? 其实这个具体数字完全没有必要, 直接接后面一句观点就已经很detailed了. 数字越具体, 你的立场越薄弱.) Thus, a steadily rising of retired couples who move into Sophia County would only be a small number while compared to the number of original residents.(In this sense, the change won't place a striking influence on the people structure of the city. 把话说完, 这个怎么影响到作者的观点) Further, even there is a large number of retired couples move in, it does not show (mean/indicate/result in...show更接近根源与表现,而你讨论的是两个现象, 这个词语感不对) that there would be less students enroll(enrolling..there be后应该接独立主格) in the public school. It is possible that children of original residents are willing to enroll in public school, if so, the number of students of public school may increase, and the county may need to construct some new school buildings.(这一点的展开有问题, 其实迁入人口跟报名学生减少是没有直接逻辑关系的, 因为在城市容量允许的情况下, 迁入人口增多不代表本来的人口会减少, 所以说本来的情况会随之改变就不对. 题目的逻辑错误在这里. 而你不指出逻辑链的问题却去说一个被割离的方面, 其实就犯了跟作者同样的错误. 作者并没有说原本的小孩会不愿意去上公立学校, 因此无法对这个点进行直接攻击, 攻击了也不能对作者的论据做出反驳. 所以更合适的方法是直接指出作者的逻辑错误. ) Secondly, private schools in their county report substantial increased in enrollment does not reveal (还是跟上面的show一样的问题,并列的两个事情用equal to比较好) that the number of students who wish to enroll in public school would decrease. Perhaps, the gross number of students is greatly increased these years, so it is possible that the number of students who are willing to enroll in public school would increase while the number of students in private students increases too. 这段的论证基本没问题. 不过还没说得很详尽, 因为这个错误的漏洞不只在于此, report是否能真实代表实际情况成问题, 因为reporter是私立学校不是客观的第三方, 同时substantial这个词用得也很模糊. Thirdly, the author does not provide any evidence to prove that Sophia County is involved in the nationwide (statewide) survey when it was conducted, if not, I am afraid that the result of the survey would not apply to Sophia's situation.(如果没包括Sophia County, 作者这个引用就显得很神经质, 所以这么质疑显得很没有依据, 有点强词夺理的感觉. 直接说statewide may not be representatitve for the county就行了. 另外一个问题就是主题句要统令全段, 而你这里这句跟后面一句不构成解释关系, 主题句和后一句成了并列让步. 段首不妨先点出survey有问题,然后哪里有问题再展开.) Even the result of the survey is suitable for Sophia, only about ten percent parents who are sampled support home schooling cannot prove that public school would not be popular. Ten percent is only a small part in one hundred percent, that is, more people do not oppose their children to enrolling public school, even if they do not prefer to send their children public school(这里应该用猜测语气, 剩下90%怎么着咱们都不知道).(good reasoning) Finally, even if it is reasonable for the county to give up the plan to construct new school buildings, the author cannot conclude that the county could decrease the budget for county-funded public school. There is a myriad of other aspects, such as increasing education quality and buying more sophisticated experiment apparatus, might as likely to use money. (这里的展开过于简短和突兀了, 首先来说直接具体到这些情况就显得缺乏根据, 而同时怎么费钱, 为什么会费钱也不知道. 如果从社会角度去说"我们知道现在的教育越来越花钱了", 然后再说"城市还可能存在经济情况, 比如通货膨胀"等等, 就会显得有深度的多.) In sum, the author fails to substantiate his claim that the county should not construct new school buildings to public schools and should decrease the budget for the county-funded public schools, because evidence in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintains. If the author provides more information with regard to the survey to demonstrate that its result is reliable, the argument would be more convincing.

总评: 总体而言已经有了不错的结构和思路, 展开的时候还可以推敲下它因列举. 结构上还可以改进, 现在每段的展开都很少, 可以适当缩减第一段内容然后把时间放后面. 用词也需要推敲, 语法错误没细看, 基本没有影响表达, 如果有时间的话不妨改进下, 因为还是存在一些错误的. 加油~

JasonDoveUID: 2322013

谢谢bz啊,我会改进的