【08火箭小组】第二次作业I130

闹闹喵UID: 2500331

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.


正文：
It is true that progress of society tomorrow relays on the hands of children today. What abilities they attain decide what society we'll have, no only is socialization but also other skills are required. And no doubt that we, unless in the last hundreds of years, have raised children for a society that is getting better and better.

To raise children, first we should know what skills they are required to have. Judging from the complicated society we have today, it is no doubt that children need to learn to be socialized, which means more experience from the outside world. Only by being socialized, can they recognize the darkness, danger, filth and sadness of the real society such as crime, lies, betrays estrangements etc., which will help children become alert, sympathetic and mature, and not being depressed when they face the social problems as a society fresh man. In China, tragedies happened not a single time when students find it hard to get along with others that they finished taking others’ lives. It is the lack of social knowledge and over protection of family that produce such freaks who can't adapt to society. Considering it, socialization do counts a lot in children's education.

Although being socialized is on the list, considering there exists such abundant of elitists that probably awkward in being socialized but also make untold contributions to the society's improvement; it's an overstatement that socialized man holds the destiny of society.  May not be socialized, and is rather shy and gloomy, Robert Smith, volume of the band The Cure, explored a new way to post-punk with brilliant talents and encouraged singers all over English after the desperation of punk depression. In fact, it is even believed that over socialization will ruin an artist's creativity, just take a look at how many artists and novelists lose their directions after wining fames and dive too much into the affairs of the outside world. Meanwhile, being socialized and lack of other constitutions such as honesty, goodness, gritting, stability can even lead to self-abandonment and society chaos. In fact many felons are well socialized and accepted as successful in society.

And it cannot be concluded that we don’t know how to raise a children that can help out a better society from judging that crimes and tragedies is happening everywhere and the society is not perfect yet. Despiting social problems that is usual under any conditions such as racism, famine，war and etc., the world is getting better and better gradually. Peace continues to be world trend, which makes international corporations grow bigger and wilder. People are becoming kinder and more gracious, and show their concerns and pities about the casualties of the terrible earthquake took place in Sichuan China. That all gives the evidence that children yesterday is helping out a better society today, which equally shows that their parents are those who knew how to raised children properly. In fact, with the attempts educationist keep doing and parents' concerns and sacrifices; we have gain a lot in raising children. Comparing the education between today and medieval time, it's obvious that the openness, democracy and high-civilized education systems today is doing a magnificent job in raising children.

In summary, as the society is becoming more and more developed and complicated, being socialized is not enough to hold the world's destiny. And with the society is becoming more and more agreeable, comprehensive and civilized, there's no way to conclude that children grown up doesn't know how to make the society better, let alone that we don't know how to raised children to contribute to the society.

chen_aoxiangUID: 2369512

It is true that progress(可以改destiny, 个人意见) of society tomorrow relays（relies）on the hands of children today. What abilities they attain decide what society we'll have, no（not） only is socialization but also other skills are required. And no doubt that we, unless (？) in the last hundreds of years, have raised children for a society that is getting better and better.

To raise children, first we should know what skills they are required ( expected 好像会好点哦)to have. Judging from the complicated society we have today, it is no doubt that children need to learn to be socialized（ learn to be socialized 觉得有些别扭，socialized 可以learn 么 ?）, which means more experience from the outside world. Only by being socialized, can they recognize the darkness, danger, filth and sadness of the real society such as crime, lies, betrays estrangements etc., which will help children become alert, sympathetic and mature, and not being depressed when they face the social problems as a society fresh man. In China, tragedies happened not a single time when students find it hard to get along with others that they finished( 是不是还得加个in啊) taking others’ lives. It is the lack of social knowledge and over protection of family that produce such freaks who can't adapt to society. Considering it, socialization do counts a lot in children's education.（这句话讲了socialization 与 education 的关系，但是上文好像没有讲教育啊，这样就多了一个分观点了）

Although being socialized is on the list, considering there exists such abundant of elitists that probably awkward in being socialized but also make untold contributions to the society's improvement; it's an overstatement that socialized man holds the destiny of society.  May not be socialized, and is rather shy and gloomy, Robert Smith, volume of the band The Cure, explored a new way to post-punk with brilliant talents and encouraged singers all over English（是不是England啊） after the desperation of punk depression.（这里用了一个例子觉得很棒） In fact, it is even believed that over socialization will ruin an artist's creativity, just take a look at how many artists and novelists lose their directions after wining fames and dive too much into the affairs of the outside world. （但是这里就略嫌苍白了，太概括了）Meanwhile, being socialized and（but 可以考虑么） lack of other constitutions such as honesty, goodness, gritting, stability can even lead to self-abandonment and society chaos. In fact many felons are well socialized and accepted as successful in society.（给各例子更好）

And it cannot be concluded that we don’t know how to raise a children that can help out a better society from judging that crimes and tragedies is happening everywhere and the society is not perfect yet. Despiting social problems that is usual（Despite social problems is usual）under any conditions such as racism, famine，war and etc., the world is getting better and better gradually. Peace continues to be world trend, which makes international corporations grow bigger and wilder. （可以加一个例子） People are becoming kinder and more gracious, and show their concerns and pities about the casualties of the terrible earthquake took place in Sichuan China.（用的例子很好） That all gives the evidence that children yesterday is helping out a better society today, which equally shows that their parents are those who knew how to raised children properly. In fact, with the attempts educationist keep doing and parents' concerns and sacrifices; we have gain a lot in raising children. Comparing the education between today and medieval time, it's obvious that the openness, democracy and high-civilized education systems today is doing a magnificent job in raising children.

In summary, as the society is becoming more and more developed and complicated（我没有遇到过这样的表述，不知道是不是可以这样说，战友再考虑下）, being socialized is not enough to hold the world's destiny. And with the society is becoming more and more agreeable, comprehensive and civilized, there's no way to conclude that children grown up doesn't know how to make the society better, let alone that we don't know how to raised children to contribute to the society.

总体来说逻辑是好的展开也是不错的，另外应用连接词也不错，就是有些地方过于概括，给人欲言又止的感觉。 我给出大部分是语言方面的，只要稍微多注意一下就没问题了。 呵呵，个人意见，因为我写作很不好的，但是又得改。。。 如果有不对的地方，战友尽管指出来。

[ 本帖最后由 chen_aoxiang 于 2008-6-7 15:26 编辑 ]

闹闹喵UID: 2500331

楼上能不能说详细一些要改的地方怎样改？有问题的地方是出了哪些问题？这样潦草的圈出来我根本不知道你想要说什么啊:confused:

zuominyu87UID: 2500319

我觉得结尾部分不是特别好,但我也才刚刚开始准备issue,所以，我的评价并不正确，另外，在just take a look at how many artists and novelists lose their directions after wining fames and dive too much into the affairs of the outside world. Meanwhile, being socialized and lack of other constitutions 这句话后，再加个实例会不显得你的观点单薄无力。总的来说，还是比较好的，尤其是结构方面 ，很清晰。然后语言驾驭能力也不错。

闹闹喵UID: 2500331

谢谢两位的批改，看来俺的例证以及结尾要改进，语言方面也有很多错误呀:rolleyes: 最近评论性文章写得太多，所以比较喜欢讲大话空话blahblahblah;d: