issue130 【7\8\9\10】 7.21(第一次作业) by buctcontrol

buctcontrolUID: 2392206

写在前头：本想自己独立写完来着，对着电脑加提纲看了半天，还是无法下手，原因许多，最后用不少别人的文字凑出了一篇，不过好歹也修改了许久，还希望给拍拍，谢谢了，以后要努力自己写啊。见笑。
TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

The author asserts that socialized is the only thing that determine the destiny of society and our society does not know how to raise children. As far as I am concerned, I fail to agree with the former point cause that socialization is not the only fact that will effect the future of the society. Concerning about the second view, I concede that we are much more focus on the marks we have got rather than our emotion. Ignoring some certain significant parts of education may lead our society becoming worse.

Admittedly, socialization does significant effect to the destiny of our society. Although I am not a social psychology expert, common sense informs me that socialization is a procedure in which people learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, including the study of  knowledge, how to control your emotion and attitudes education. First of all, the learning of behavior we act in our society is one significant part of socialization. For instance, all the people walk in the right side of the road, so we child should learn to follow this behavior. Secondly, when our child build their relationship with their peers, they will learn how to be with friends. Thirdly, the children have to find their position in the society, this linked to the career of the children. So it also contribute to the development of the society. Nevertheless, socialization is only one factor influencing the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute to a better society, individualization, the contrary concept, is also as important as socialization. In my opinion, individualization is formed under the circumstance of socialization and makes people unique to others, which creates innovative minds. Obviously, these two factors have effect on each other and are two sides of unification. With respect to the development of the society, it is significant for people to pay equal emphasis on these two factors and the combination of them can stimulate producing a better society.

Consider next the speaker's claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children. I concede that certain aspect of education is not placed so much emphasis by our educators, which result in certain disadvantages and shortages of our children. For instance, our educational system always ignores the emotional cultivation and many children have psychological problems, such as depression and even mental illness. According to a recent survey conducted by our psychological department, the rate of suicide committed by our children due to the growing pressure in study has increased.

In sum, we can easily conclude that we have to emphasis on emotional cultivation. Meanwhile, we should place emphasis not only on socialization, but other factors such as intellectual cultivation, strong-willed character also play an important role in constructing better society.
PS:不知道字体对不对，我觉得这个好看：）

general727UID: 2494818

The author asserts that socialized is the only thing that determines the destiny of society and our society does not know how to raise children. As far as I am concerned, I fail to agree with the former point cause that socialization is not the only fact that will affect the future of the society. Concerning about the second view, I concede that we are much more focus on the marks we have got rather than our emotion. Ignoring some certain significant parts of education may lead our society becoming worse.(提出观点，开头有点长，一般四五行是最好的。)

Admittedly, socialization does significant effect to the destiny of our society. （ Although I am not a social psychology expert,）（既然这段要写socialization 的优点，这个转折句就应该放到后面，我标过渡段的部分） common sense informs me that socialization is a procedure in which people learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, including the study of  knowledge, how to control your emotion and attitudes education.（定义很恰当） （这一段太长了，把它作为一个意群，分几段论述）
First of all, the learning of behavior we act in our society is one significant part of  socialization. For instance, all the people walk in the right side of the road, so we child should learn to follow this behavior. Secondly, when our children build their relationship with their peers, they will learn how to (get on well with是不是好一点)be with friends. Thirdly, the children have to find their position in the society, this linked to the career of the children. （三点理由陈述完毕）So it also contributes to the development of the society.
Nevertheless, socialization is only one factor influencing the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute to a better society, individualization, the contrary concept, is also as important as socialization. （过渡段）
In my opinion, individualization is formed under the circumstance of socialization and makes people unique to others, which creates innovative minds. Obviously, these two factors have effect on each other and are two sides of unification . With respect to the development of the society, it is significant（这一词用的有点频繁） for people to pay equal emphasis on these two factors and the combination of them can stimulate producing a better society.

Consider next the speaker's claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children. I concede that certain aspect of education is not placed so much emphasis by our educators, which results in certain disadvantages and shortages of our children. For instance, our educational system always ignores the emotional cultivation and（改为so that） many children have psychological problems, such as depression and even mental illness.( According to a recent survey conducted by our psychological department, the rate of suicide committed by our children due to the growing pressure in study has increased.)(这个例子举得有点假，像argument的题里的攻击点)

In sum, we can easily conclude that we have to emphasis on emotional cultivation. Meanwhile, we should place emphasis not only on socialization, but other factors such as intellectual cultivation, strong-willed character also play an important role in constructing better society.（建议改成倒装Not only should we… 这个句型很打人的。）
PS:不知道字体对不对，我觉得这个好看：）

小建议：文章思路清晰，行文流利，但经常会处现单三的小毛病。
        中间段不要过长，可分几段进行论述。
        
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