[Dark-Tournament] - 11 3作文作业 Romanus的作文修改铺 帮我看看吧

transformersUID：2307599

题目Some people think that scientists make the most important contributions to society. Others people think that the contribution of the artists are the most important. Which do you agree


Do scientists contribute more to our society? There is no consensus among people. Some argue that artists are more important to our society because art could change our bad mood and educate our children. On balance, however, I am convinced that scientists bring more benefits to our society. My reason will be presented as follows.

There are two fundamental arguments to support my claim. The first has to go on the aspect that scientists influence our modern life. They help our society to develop the technology and science. There is no denying that the starve threat has been solved by the genetically modify food, these kinds of technology will certainly impulse the civilization give more credit to scientists than artists. As for me, my major is electronic and computer engineer, one kind of scientific major. Last month, I wrote an anti cheat system for a game company. And now people should play that game without cheating. This kind of contributions can not brought by artists. My professor once told me that an excellent scientist is worth one hundred schoolmasters. It is a scientific fact that most of citizens believe that our life quality has been much increased by the high technology.

In addition, why so many people are fond of to be a scientist and admire them is that scientists give the revolution of our education. It is universally acknowledge that most of the colleges and universities and even some high schools have TV courses or on line classes to teach students knowledge which is not available in the traditional class. Nothing is more significant than earn knowledge. We also can not emphasize the important of our leisure time learning too much. And this kind of learn has also strong influenced by the scientists. Students should communicate with others on line and chat about their courses by use the software like MSN. One of my best friends, he is an artist, he also once told me that he want to be a scientist because of their contribution. And he finally decided to be an electronic painter, who use software, like AutoCAD, to painting, and now he is quite success.

On the other hand, an argument, and also the one I find most compelling, against my conclusion. Those who would oppose my claim might point that is the artist use sculptures and paintings to beauty our society environment and most people think watching famous painting let them felt comfortable and relax. Although I concede this point, in my observation; all those benefit brought by artists can not become true without our scientists. One need look no further than the modern sculptures , paintings and gallery to find ample evidence that this is the case, modern sculptures and paintings is much beautiful than before because the high technology material and pigment , everybody should enjoy the famous painting form every place during the internet.

In sum, this issue is a complex one which requires subject judgments. Thus, those who hold the opposite view do not know the really goals and modern problems of our society. In the final analysis, so huge contributions had brought by scientists that we can not afford to ignore it. Consequently, scientists contribute more to the society than the artists.


[ 本帖最后由 transformers 于 2008-11-4 11:48 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID：2565872

Do scientists contribute more to our society (more是跟谁相比呢? 句子尽量写完整)? There is no consensus among people. Some argue that artists are more important to our society because art could change alleviate our ( 议论文阐述的时候尽量少用 你　我　之类的主观性强的词，展开论证举例的时候再用比较好 - 不然会给人孩子气的感觉) bad mood and educate our children. On balance, (没有这种用法. 一般表达需要考虑另外一面的意思，用on  the other hand, 或者更华丽的on the other side of the leaf) however, I am convinced that scientists bring more benefits to our society. My reasons will be presented as follows.

There are two fundamental arguments to that support my claim. The first has to go on with the aspect that scientists influence our modern life tremendously? (aspect是一个中性词，需要补完具体的意见). They help our society to develop the technology and science. There is no denying that the starve threat famine has been solved effectively tackled (虽然托福考官八成不会在意你举的例子真假，但类似全球饥荒问题这种明显很重的话还是尽量不要说死比较安全) by the genetically modified food. Such (能用连词的地方尽量用.) kinds of technology will certainly impulse promote the civilizations to give more credits to scientists than artists. As for me, my major is electronic and computer engineering, a scientific major ( 通常意义上的‘科学’指的是传统的理论实验学科，物理化学生物。用工学来做科学的例子有可能是一个危险的擦边球). Last month, I wrote an anti-cheat system for a game company. And Now people should play that game without cheating. (Frankly speaking, this doesn't look 'scientific'. And why is it SO important that people must play the game without cheating? 通常只有玩家作弊公司就不赚钱的游戏才需要反作弊, 但如果你不解释，美国人是不会明白为什么在中国做游戏反作弊是比任何事情都重要的，因为他们的游戏文化不一样) This kind of contributions cannot brought by artists. (能做另外一个完全不同职能的人不能做的事情，不能说明你的重要，因为术业有专攻，只能说明你做了你分内的工作。如果你不能说服读者为什么你的‘科学’贡献比其他人的各种贡献都重要，最好不要举游戏作例子 - 特别是你在下面一段还举了一个电脑绘图的例子说明科学比艺术厉害. 这也是为什么之前说用工科来做科学例子比较危险的原因之一，因为工科和科学艺术两边的交界线都比较模糊) My professor once told me that an excellent scientist is worth one hundred schoolmasters (不是在比较科学家和艺术家吗? schoolmasters为什么跑出来呢..). It is a scientific fact (says who? 知道这种此地无银的说法在模板中很流行，危险在于这么说容易让人觉得你对自己的逻辑没信心) that most of citizens believe that our life quality of life has been much increased enhanced by the high advanced technology.

In addition, why so many people are fond of to being a scientists and admire them is that scientists give the revolutionize of our education. It is universally acknowledged that most of the colleges and universities and even some high schools have TV courses or online classes to teach students with knowledge (‘教授学生知识’在中文里其实也是一个不尽正确的说法) which is not available in the traditional classes. Nothing is more significant than earning knowledge. We also can not emphasize the importance of our leisure time learning (I think you mean 'spare time self-study'. 中文直译倾向开始愈发明显) too much. And (在非口语文字中and是不应该用在句子起首的. 后面有also就够了) this kind of learning has also been strongly influenced by the scientists. Students should can communicate with others online and chat about their courses by using the software like the MSN messenger (技术上来说，MSN - 即MicroSoft Network - 不是一款软件，而是微软提供的线上服务的品牌名称). One of my best friends, he is an artist, he also once told me that he wants to be a scientist because of their scientists' contributions (这是一个典型的跑句run-on sentence.这里有三个分句，两个逗号，但只有一个连词). And he finally decided to be an electronic painter (this is not a good title for 'computer graphic specialist'), who uses software, like AutoCAD, to painting, and now he is quite successful (技术上来说，使用AutoCAD的不能算paint画图，而是draw绘图 - CAD = Computer-Aided Drawing. 不过这些技术细节不是托福考官关心的问题，在这里被指出的语法问题更重要)

On the other hand, an one argument, and also (and also连用是非常容易出现的写作口语化倾向) the one I find most compelling,against my conclusion, ( 这个句子没有写完，把中间also部分整个去掉就很明显) is that those who would oppose my claim might point that is the artists use sculptures and paintings to beautify our social environment and most people think watching famous paintings make them felt comfortable and relaxed. Although I concede this point, in my observation, all those benefits brought by artists cannot become true without our scientists. One needs to look no further than the modern sculptures, paintings and galleries to find ample evidence that this is the case: modern sculptures and paintings is  are much more beautiful than before (这个‘以前’指的是以前的modern sculptures/paintings还是以前的古典作品? 现代艺术也不是只存在了一年两年的) because the high advanced technology used in contemporary materials and pigments make them more vivid and endurable, also everybody should can enjoy the famous paintings form everywhere place during on the internet.(最后一句话至少应该单独成句. 它和前面的观点 - 艺术作品现在有了高科技就更漂亮 - 没什么关系. 这个论点 - 没有科技进步就没有艺术美的进步 - 是很好的，但你在相关词汇上的混乱造成这个论证没有能系统地展开. 我猜你想提的大概是 文物/画作修复技术的进步 和 网络画廊的好处.)

In sum, this issue is a complex one which requires subjective judgments.Thus, those who hold the opposite view do not know the really goals and modern problems of our society (这样直接地鄙视持相反意见的人不太好说. 鄙视应该红脸白脸齐下，尽量做到不留话柄，比如Artists surely provide us with important social and cultural advances, but they tend to only satisfy people's emotional needs. Other more fundamental needs, such as food, clean water, sanitation, durable shelter and reliable transportation, are more well-met by scientists than by artists.). In the final analysis, so huge contributions had been brought by scientists that we cannot afford to ignore it. Consequently, scientists contribute more to the society than the artists.

总结：

1. 你需要词汇。专业和文学性的词汇都需要。不过短期内很难有实质性能用到作文中的提高，因为背了也很难清楚知道怎么用。为了考试建议还是背些模板比较实用。另外注意下介词的使用。

2. 多用合适的连词。议论文的论点是脑，论据是骨骼，论证是肌肉，连词是神经系统 - 一个四肢健全头脑清醒的人，没有神经，大脑指令传不到骨和肉上，还是不能走路的。连词可以清晰地反映出作者的思路，缺少的话说明作者自己的想法也是东一枪西一炮。连词在中文里问题不大，因为中文的复句没有连词是可以接受的，比如‘屋子里一声巨响，跑出一个人来’，有没有‘接着’都没错，所以通常我们想问题的时候是不考虑连词的。但在英文里缺少连词是语法错误，所以要学会把连词作为你思考的一部分。

作文列提纲的时候可以用中文想，但是要把逻辑之间的联系想清楚。具体的写作可以尝试从以and/but/because/so连接的简单双联句开始，每隔一句话就使用至少一个连词。

grekokomoUID：2441677

向2楼同学学习～

aesrevoylfUID：2442700

:handshake :)

aphasiafifiUID：2475704

问mpromanus 一个问题：像这样的论题，就是比较容易倾向于一边倒的观点，应该怎么分段呢？我个人认为楼主的段落比较逻辑混乱。。我有时候也会这样 明明之前想好了怎么写一点一点  但是写完了觉得其实自己例证的几段都overlapping。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

5楼: 没想到这个帖子还有人看啊~

回答你的问题：这个论题本身问的方式就是一边倒(which do you agree)，所以完全不需要担心‘倾向于一边倒’会让考官觉得你不客观什么的。不过当然最稳妥的做法永远是两个正面观点+一个稍稍反面的观点，但你需要简单地驳斥那个反面观点来证明你的论点是经过严谨思考地~

避免overlap: 一般来说就是观点要讲究搭配，一个世界性的配一个比较小众的，一个文学方面的配一个理学方面的，一个正面论述的配一个反面论述的，一个表象的配一个内在的，等等，有一些overlap不要紧，重要的是逻辑清晰明白并且有道理。当然这是很genericl的说法。比如主贴这个问题，科学与艺术的成就哪个最重要，如果你选择论证科学最重要，你就可以说 人类历史上真正改善生活水平的巨大进步都是科学作出的（这个在我改的过程中已经提到了，这是对表象的论点） + 人类对于世界的认知和控制的能力都是通过科学发展获得的（这是对内在的论点）。不过这些东西还是靠平时积累最好，经常尽可能全面地思考一个问题，多细细地想想，考试的时候就有得说了。

aphasiafifiUID：2475704

恩恩。。大概明白点了。多谢多谢。
看别人的帖子也是学习嘛……万一有跟自己类似的错误呢……

下周让你帮我改。。。（不要排不上楼就好%）

snailkevinUID：2456176

感觉楼主文章很明显有北美范文的issue影子啊

阿泰UID：209473

综合来说三蛋的这篇文章写的还是不错的，但是毛病也不少，主要问题就是例子在论证主题的时候说服力不大

而且很多词用的也不够精准

happyfaith2008UID：2709856

我本来不想来挖人家坟的，但是，国宝同学的确评价的很典型。值得大家都看一看。特别是对于连词的看法。赞

happyfaith2008UID：2709856

我本来不想来挖人家坟的，但是，国宝同学的确评价的很典型。值得大家都看一看。特别是对于连词的看法。赞