【12月-1月IBT综合备考活动】之【TWE写作】12 8 作文

xiaojing1115UID: 2578357

Do you think life is easier and more comfortable today rather than the days when your grandparents were children?（07.12.10）

With the development of the society, the vast majority of people maintain that the life nowadays is easier and more comfortable than the days when our grandparents were children. At first glance, it seems reasonable and convincing, after a further consideration in details, I cannot agree with it for the following reasons.

First, it is true that the economic is developing at a very fast speed, almost all the people can have a life in high level without worrying about food and warm , but the environment around us is becoming worse and worse and the pollution do more harm to us than ever when lacking of food. It is horrible to realize that the air today is full of ash and noxious gas which makes our lung frail. The survey has shown that the rise of lung disease grows up quicker than ever because more and more people have cars. The more cars, the more noxious gas. We admit that the level of life is better than ever, but it is really better? How about the health the people have? Can we discard it?

Second, as the time going, the gap between people grows bigger, so that people become selfish for more money. It is hard to have pure relationship with others. Furthermore, some businessmen become inhuman only for the profit. For instance, the enterprise of Sanlu put excessive noxious additive into the milk powder, these makes a lot of babies fall ill of lithiasis. What is more gravity is that some babies loose their life with drinking the milk powder. The development of technology leads more synthetic things produced, which makes people in low salutary.  When we stand before these fact, we can’t say the life is comfortable than ever.

In addition, the amount of the work place is scarce in that the number of people is large bigger than ever, the more people, the more need of work. So many people are busy in seeking work in daytime for the money that can afford the cost of life. Not only dose the lack of work place make more people worried all the day, but also makes students feel nervous in school. Some students even have sick in mentality. We can’t say we are better than ever breezily.

In conclusion, taking into account of all these factors, the life is not really easier and comfortable than the days when our grandparents were children.

[ 本帖最后由 xiaojing1115 于 2008-12-8 21:06 编辑 ]

泡面UID: 2513568

With the development of the society, the vast majority of people maintain that the life nowadays is easier and more comfortable than the days when our grandparents were children. At first glance, it seems reasonable and convincing, after a further consideration in details, I cannot agree with it for the following reasons.



First, it is true that the economic （应为economy， economic为形容词） is developing at a very fast speed, almost all the people can (can省去比较好)  have a life in high level without worrying about food and warm （warm作名词为温暖的地方，用warmth吧，或者征求了别人的意见：problem of adequate food and clothing 而且不应该是almost all the people，不太实际，贫困线下的人还是很多的）, but the environment around us is becoming worse and worse and the pollution do more harm to us than ever when lacking of food. It is horrible to realize that the air today is full of ash and noxious gas which makes our lung frail. The survey has shown that the rise of lung disease grows up quicker (more quickly) than ever because more and more people have (own) cars. The more cars, the more noxious gas. We admit that the level of life is better than ever (ever用的频率过高，是否可以换为before), but it is (is it) really better? How about the health the people have (the health of people)? Can we discard it?w

Second, as the time going (goes), the gap between people grows bigger, so that people become selfish for more money (because of money) . It is hard to have (have 应该少用，替换其他简单词keep) pure relationship with others. Furthermore, some businessmen become inhuman only for the profit. For instance, the enterprise of Sanlu put excessive noxious additive into the milk powder, these （this action） makes a lot of babies fall ill of lithiasis. What is more gravity (grave) is that some babies loose their life (lives) with drinking (result from drinking)the milk powder. The development of technology leads more synthetic things produced, which makes people in low salutary (salutary意为有益的，这里要表达什么？).  When we stand before these fact （ stand in front of these facts）, we can’t (cannot)  say the life is comfortable than ever.

In addition, the amount of the work place is scarce in that the number of people is large bigger (large bigger?是要表达认识更多吗？) than ever, the more people, the more need of （for） work. So many people are busy in (in可省去) seeking work in daytime for the money that can afford the cost of life. Not only dose the lack of work place make more people worried all the day, but also makes students feel nervous in school. Some students even have sick in mentality. We can’t say we are better than ever breezily（这个breezy有点多余）(你在这段是想表达找工作难是吧？工作occupation but not work place).

In conclusion, taking into account of all these factors, the (the 不要) life is not really easier and (more) comfortable thanthe days when our grandparents were children.

1,个别词用的不准确，或者是用错词误
2，行文流畅，整体框架清晰，有理有据，例子也恰到好处
3，句子结构还有词的用法应该有些变化，重复太多，显得单调




[ 本帖最后由 泡面 于 2008-12-8 23:26 编辑 ]

xiaojing1115UID: 2578357

谢谢批改哦，说的很到位，以后会多注意

ammyanaUID: 2529083

With the development of the（去掉） society, the vast majority of people maintain that the life nowadays is easier and more comfortable than the days when our grandparents were children.（这句有照搬题目，最好能改改哦） At first glance, it seems reasonable and convincing, after a further consideration in details, I cannot（do not） agree with it for the following reasons.bbs.gter.net,|O/S(@6g"x
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First, it is true that the economy is developing at a very fast speed, almost all the people can have a life in high level without worrying about food and warm(warmth,温饱这个太chiglish了点吧。换成security好点) , but the environment around us is becoming worse and worse and the pollution do more harm to us than ever（ when lacking of food.这个从句有些奇怪） It is horrible to realize that the air today is full of ash and noxious gases which make our lung frail. The survey has shown that the rise（ratio） of lung disease grows up quicker than ever because more and more people have cars. The more cars, the more noxious gas. We admit that the level of life is better than ever, but it is really better? How about the health the people have? Can we discard it?寄托家园cCw`
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留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAab:c9H\!j H[B8B
Second, as the time going, the gap between people grows bigger（我不清楚gap能不能用big形容，感觉有点奇怪）, so that people become selfish for more money. It is hard to have pure relationship with others. Furthermore, some businessmen become inhuman（说brutal好点吧，说不是人这个夸张了） only for the profit. For instance, the enterprise of Sanlu put excessive noxious additive into the milk powder, these makes a lot of babies fall ill of lithiasis. What is more gravity is that some babies lose their life with drinking the milk powder. The development of technology leads more synthetic things produced, which makes people in low salutary.  When we stand before these fact, we can’t say the life is comfortable than ever.（这个例子的想法很好，语言简练一点就更好好了） 留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAyrp-C_1m0S
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In addition, the amount of the work place is scarce in that（which） the number of people is large bigger than ever, the more people, the more need of work.(the more ..the more..用一次就够了，太泛滥给人词穷的感觉) So many people are busy in seeking work（for jobs） in daytime (and) for the money that can afford the cost of life. Not only dose the lack of work place make more people worried all the day, but also makes students feel nervous in school. Some students even have sick(illness) in mentality(改成mental diseases会不会好点). We can’t say we are better than ever breezily.留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAY
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|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE2|#xa:K@)h
In conclusion, taking into account of all these factors, the life is not really easier and comfortable than the days when our grandparents were children.（这个，又抄题目。。。）
总的来说lz的结构掌握得很好了，思路也比较清晰，但是词句的功底还要加强
用词的问题楼上的改了很多了，我有些就没改了，还有的也许都没看出来，我自己有时候也不是太会用。paraphase应该是鬼子们比较看重的。。
多看些范文，总结些好句子背下来没事的时候多用用应该会进步很大的。加油！ &q"b4vF)G[4w