Argument92【六人作文小组】第1周第3次作业

sneakerliuUID: 2481691

TOPIC: ARGUMENT92 - The following is a recommendation from the human resources department at Techforce Computer Company.

"Many working parents report that problems related to their childcare arrangements are a major reason for absenteeism from their jobs. Bridgewell Corporation, a tele-communications company, implemented an on-site childcare program and after one year, the company reported that unscheduled absences had declined by 25 percent. Since Techforce has had an increase in unscheduled employee absences over the past year, we should therefore implement our own on-site childcare program. The program will undoubtedly reduce our unscheduled employee absences, resulting in significantly increased productivity."
WORDS: 426               TIME: 上午 12:29:45          DATE: 2009-1-7



The author in this essay avers that a on-side childcare program would decrease its staff's absenteeism in the following year as he reckons the Bridgewell Corporation (BC) has done this year. Seemly reasonable his ratiocination is. After carefully scrutiny of his reasons, however, many are groundless yet unconvincing.

The threshold problem is whether the report from working parents really indicates the truth. We cannot guarantee anyone's words without close examination and it is highly possible that the parents are liars due to certain reasons. Further research may discover the traffic jam as the real factor. Or perhaps, the staff just got up late last year and they choose the kids’ issue as an excuse. Take into considering these conditions, the author's assertion do not tell the truth

The author also fails to give us more evidence of the absence rate years before but a last-year one of BC. The truth could be that the staff in BC three years ago, before the program been introduced, the absenteeism rate was lower. Though it declines this year in 25 percent, it is still higher than that 2 or 3 years ago. In this respect, the childcare program cannot be regarded as a success.

Furthermore, the author also asserts that the success of BC should be fully counted on its newly on-site childcare program without further investments even the absence rate becomes lower than ever. Without more specific evidence of the changed policy during the period, we cannot satisfactorily believe it is the childcare program changed the situation. Actually, the BC may have introduced many other programs such as more severe punishment that lead to the current better situation. Without study related to the alternatives mention above, it is too hasty to tell the childcare program as a effective method.

Additionally, even if I were to concede that the BC's childcare program works, doubts still remains as whether the implement of certain program is apposite to proliferate it or will a similar program works in Techforce. The author fails to give more evidence of the similarity of both companies thus the truth could be that most staff in BC are parents while only few in Techforce are. That is to say, a childcare program is less likely to affects the staff in Techforce than the author suggests in this case.

To better bolster the author's suggestion, more evidence of whether the parents report the truth and the absence rate of a compared longer period are needed. Other changing policy in BC and the similarity of both companies are also required.

半妖UID: 2328063

TOPIC: ARGUMENT92 - The following is a recommendation from the human resources department at Techforce Computer Company.

"Many working parents report that problems related to their childcare arrangements are a major reason for absenteeism from their jobs. Bridgewell Corporation, a tele-communications company, implemented an on-site childcare program and after one year, the company reported that unscheduled absences had declined by 25 percent. Since Techforce has had an increase in unscheduled employee absences over the past year, we should therefore implement our own on-site childcare program. The program will undoubtedly reduce our unscheduled employee absences, resulting in significantly increased productivity."
WORDS: 426               TIME: 上午 12:29:45          DATE: 2009-1-7



The author in this essay avers that a on-side childcare program would decrease its staff's absenteeism in the following year as he reckons the Bridgewell Corporation (BC) has done this year. Seemly reasonable his ratiocination is. After carefully scrutiny of his reasons, however, many are groundless yet unconvincing.

The threshold problem is whether the report from working parents really indicates the truth. We cannot guarantee anyone's words without close examination and it is highly possible that the parents are liars due to certain reasons. Further research may discover the traffic jam as the real factor. Or perhaps, the staff just got up late last year and they choose the kids’ issue as an excuse. Take into considering these conditions, the author's assertion do not tell the truth

The author also fails to give us more evidence of the absence rate years before but a last-year one of BC. The truth could be that the staff in BC three years ago, before the program been introduced, the absenteeism rate was lower. Though it declines this year in 25 percent, it is still higher than that 2 or 3 years ago. In this respect, the childcare program cannot be regarded as a success.个人觉得这个驳斥地不彻底，如果继续说下去可能会更好。例如说前两年本来就一直在下跌，因为公司施行了严格的出勤制度（后面提到了这个原因）等，或者是今年金融风暴、经济危机啦，大家害怕表现不好会被裁员之类的。总之可以突出一年时间里的可变性。所以今年也是因为这个原因才~~~~~~~~~直接一点说，就是一年时间说明不了问题。感觉第一句这样说的话意思比较明确。

Furthermore, the author also asserts that the success of BC should be fully counted on its newly on-site childcare program without further investments even the absence rate becomes lower than ever. 建议第一句简单点明问题，短一点比较好。貌似满分范文都是这样的。简洁、清晰。Without more specific evidence of the changed policy during the period, we cannot satisfactorily believe it is the childcare program changed the situation. Actually, the BC may have introduced many other programs such as more severe punishment that lead to the current better situation.这句可以illustrate一下。BC may punish those who are absence severely by reducing their salary. Then it is highly possible afraid of being punished, they are more inclined not to be absent.  Without study related to the alternatives mention above, it is too hasty to tell the childcare program as a effective method.

Additionally, even if I were to concede that the BC's childcare program works, doubts still remains as whether the implement of certain program is apposite to proliferate it or will a similar program works in Techforce. The author fails to give more evidence of the similarity of both companies thus the truth could be that most staff in BC are parents while only few in Techforce are.Again illustration is import. 只有举出具体的实例才能支撑你的assertion. That is to say, a childcare program is less likely to affects the staff in Techforce than the author suggests in this case.

To better bolster the author's suggestion, more evidence of whether the parents report the truth and the absence rate of a compared longer period are needed. Other changing policy in BC and the similarity of both companies are also required.
还是那句，多想想。去看看我推荐的文章吧。在总贴一楼分享一栏。

半妖UID: 2328063

TOPIC: ARGUMENT92 - The following is a recommendation from the human resources department at Techforce Computer Company.

"Many working parents report that problems related to their childcare arrangements are a major reason for absenteeism from their jobs. Bridgewell Corporation, a tele-communications company, implemented an on-site childcare program and after one year, the company reported that unscheduled absences had declined by 25 percent. Since Techforce has had an increase in unscheduled employee absences over the past year, we should therefore implement our own on-site childcare program. The program will undoubtedly reduce our unscheduled employee absences, resulting in significantly increased productivity."
WORDS: 426               TIME: 上午 12:29:45          DATE: 2009-1-7



The author in this essay avers that a on-side childcare program would decrease its staff's absenteeism in the following year as he reckons the Bridgewell Corporation (BC) has done this year. Seemly reasonable his ratiocination is. After carefully scrutiny of his reasons, however, many are groundless yet unconvincing.

The threshold problem is whether the report from working parents really indicates the truth. We cannot guarantee anyone's words without close examination and it is highly possible that the parents are liars due to certain reasons. Further research may discover the traffic jam as the real factor. Or perhaps, the staff just got up late last year and they choose the kids’ issue as an excuse. Take into considering these conditions, the author's assertion do not tell the truth

The author also fails to give us more evidence of the absence rate years before but a last-year one of BC. The truth could be that the staff in BC three years ago, before the program been introduced, the absenteeism rate was lower. Though it declines this year in 25 percent, it is still higher than that 2 or 3 years ago. In this respect, the childcare program cannot be regarded as a success.个人觉得这个驳斥地不彻底，如果继续说下去可能会更好。例如说前两年本来就一直在下跌，因为公司施行了严格的出勤制度（后面提到了这个原因）等，或者是今年金融风暴、经济危机啦，大家害怕表现不好会被裁员之类的。总之可以突出一年时间里的可变性。所以今年也是因为这个原因才~~~~~~~~~直接一点说，就是一年时间说明不了问题。感觉第一句这样说的话意思比较明确。

Furthermore, the author also asserts that the success of BC should be fully counted on its newly on-site childcare program without further investments even the absence rate becomes lower than ever. 建议第一句简单点明问题，短一点比较好。貌似满分范文都是这样的。简洁、清晰。Without more specific evidence of the changed policy during the period, we cannot satisfactorily believe it is the childcare program changed the situation. Actually, the BC may have introduced many other programs such as more severe punishment that lead to the current better situation.这句可以illustrate一下。BC may punish those who are absence severely by reducing their salary. Then it is highly possible afraid of being punished, they are more inclined not to be absent.  Without study related to the alternatives mention above, it is too hasty to tell the childcare program as a effective method.

Additionally, even if I were to concede that the BC's childcare program works, doubts still remains as whether the implement of certain program is apposite to proliferate it or will a similar program works in Techforce. The author fails to give more evidence of the similarity of both companies thus the truth could be that most staff in BC are parents while only few in Techforce are.Again illustration is import. 只有举出具体的实例才能支撑你的assertion. That is to say, a childcare program is less likely to affects the staff in Techforce than the author suggests in this case.

To better bolster the author's suggestion, more evidence of whether the parents report the truth and the absence rate of a compared longer period are needed. Other changing policy in BC and the similarity of both companies are also required.
还是那句，多想想。去看看我推荐的文章吧。在总贴一楼分享一栏。

空即是色UID: 2496914

The author in this essay avers that a on-side childcare program would decrease its staff's absenteeism in the following year as he reckons the Bridgewell Corporation (BC) has done this year. Seemly reasonable his ratiocination is. After carefully scrutiny of his reasons, however, many are groundless yet unconvincing.

The threshold problem is whether the report from working parents really indicates the truth. We cannot guarantee anyone's words without close examination and it is highly possible that the parents are liars due to certain reasons. Further research may discover the traffic jam as the real factor. Or perhaps, the staff just got up late last year and they choose the kids’ issue as an excuse. Take into considering these conditions, the author's assertion do not tell the truth

The author also fails to give us more evidence of the absence rate years before but a last-year one of BC. The truth could be that the staff in BC three years ago, before the program been introduced, the absenteeism rate was lower. Though it declines this year in 25 percent, it is still higher than that 2 or 3 years ago. In this respect, the childcare program cannot be regarded as a success. 感觉这段说的不是很充分,可以从他因的角度再分析,加个furthermore.

Furthermore, the author also asserts that the success of BC should be fully counted on its newly on-site childcare program without further investments even the absence rate becomes lower than ever. Without more specific evidence of the changed policy during the period, we cannot satisfactorily believe it is the childcare program changed the situation. Actually, the BC may have introduced many other programs such as more severe punishment that lead to the current better situation. Without study related to the alternatives mention above, it is too hasty to tell the childcare program as a effective method.

Additionally, even if I were to concede that the BC's childcare program works, doubts still remains as whether the implement of certain program is apposite to proliferate it or will a similar program works in Techforce. The author fails to give more evidence of the similarity of both companies thus the truth could be that most staff in BC are parents while only few in Techforce are. That is to say, a childcare program is less likely to affects the staff in Techforce than the author suggests in this case.

To better bolster the author's suggestion, more evidence of whether the parents report the truth and the absence rate of a compared longer period are needed. Other changing policy in BC and the similarity of both companies are also required.
错误找的还行,不过在论证的顺序上调整一下更好,比如从大到小,或是按照先后顺序来,显得更条理.

gardenlaUID: 2584945

The author in this essay avers that a on-side childcare program would decrease its staff's absenteeism in the following year as he reckons the Bridgewell Corporation (BC) has done this year. Seemly reasonable his ratiocination is. After carefully scrutiny of his reasons, however, many are groundless yet unconvincing.

The threshold problem is whether the report from working parents really indicates the truth. We cannot guarantee anyone's words without close examination and it is highly possible that the parents are liars due to certain reasons. Further research may discover the traffic jam as the real factor. Or perhaps, the staff just got up late last year and they choose the kids’ issue as an excuse. Take into considering these conditions, the author's assertion do not tell the truth

The author also fails to give us more evidence of the absence rate years before but a last-year one of BC. The truth could be that the staff in BC three years ago, before the program been introduced, the absenteeism rate was lower. Though it declines this year in 25 percent, it is still higher than that 2 or 3 years ago. In this respect, the childcare program cannot be regarded as a success. (这个program只执行了一年,以前是否高和这个program没有太大联系.sneakerliu
的理解可能有误,要不就是我的理解有误.一起探讨一下吧.)

Furthermore, the author also asserts that the success of BC should be fully counted on its newly on-site childcare program without further investments even the absence rate becomes lower than ever. Without more specific evidence of the changed policy during the period, we cannot satisfactorily believe it is the childcare program changed the situation. Actually, the BC may have introduced many other programs such as more severe punishment (Good idea)that lead to the current better situation. Without study related to the alternatives mention above, it is too hasty to tell the childcare program as a (an)effective method.

Additionally, even if I were to concede that the BC's childcare program works, doubts still remains as whether the implement of certain program is apposite to proliferate it or will a similar program works in Techforce. The author fails to give more evidence of the similarity of both companies thus the truth could be that most staff in BC are parents while only few in Techforce are. That is to say, a childcare program is less likely to affects the staff in Techforce than the author suggests in this case.

To better bolster the author's suggestion, more evidence of whether the parents report the truth and the absence rate of a compared longer period are needed. Other changing policy in BC and the similarity of both companies are also required.


[ 本帖最后由 gardenla 于 2009-1-8 20:54 编辑 ]