Argument35 【0906G 文以载道三月四月小组】第一周第一次作业 by 露珠

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Argument35 【0906G 文以载道三月四月小组】第一周第一次作业 by 露珠
Argument35
The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.
"Salicylates（水杨酸脂） are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives（食品香料） for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia."
水杨酸酯和用来治疗头痛的药物--阿司匹林是同一类化合物。尽管很多食品天然富含水杨酸酯，过去几十年中食品加工公司仍然在食品中加入它来作为防腐剂。这种水杨酸酯在商业上的使用被发现与我们为期20年研究的参加者所报告的头痛发病的平均数量下降是相关的。最近，食品加工公司发现水杨酸酯也可以被用作食品香料。根据这种水杨酸酯的新用途，我们可以预期Mentia居民患头痛症的数量将会持续稳步下降。
提纲：
1长达20年的调查报告来说明研究参加者的头痛发病率下降与S有关，并不能保证所有头痛的人都报告了
2就算20年前的情况与现在符合，也不能保证S 可以治疗头痛。S只是和A是属于同一类化合物，拥有相似的化学结构，却不能保证对于治疗头痛的效果也是相同的。
3 同样，即使治疗效果相同，也没法排除其他导致患头疼的居民数量下降的原因，如（提倡）健康的生活方式，医疗水平发达，环境质量得到改善等原因。  他认为这种症状数量会稳步持续的下降，却忽视了使头疼发病率上升的原因，如快节奏的生活和工作压力，失眠等原因（理论很好，但稍微有点思维跳跃。这句话本身稍微有点逻辑问题，后面解释与前面下降无直接关系。A就是要把我们都清楚的事情说给一个完全不懂得人听，逻辑跳跃一点不太好。）

In this argument, the author predicts that salicylates could constantly decline the amount of residents of Mentia who suffered from headache. At first glance, the reasoning seems quite convincing and sound, however, further reflection reveals that it omits some strong and indispensable evidence. In my point of view, the statement errs in three logical fallacies.（入题快）
The arguer provides no assurances(assurance,no 不用复数) that the report, on which the argument depends,(做为非限定，可能容易分析语言结构) is statistically reliable. Lacking information about the number of surveyed and the number of respondents, it is impossible to assess the validity of the results. For instance, if there are one hundred people who were surveyed about headache but only twenty individuals responded that their headache associate with the use of salicylates(不是头痛有关，而是和头痛减轻有关), the conclusion that salicylates has an impact on the number of people who has(have) headache would be highly suspected. Another problem is the representative of the respondents. The arguer fails to assure that the report’s respondents are delegates of participants who alleviated headache because of salicylates. According to such evidences, the author cannot draw a certain conclusion based on the report.  
The author inaccurately presumes that salicylates and aspirin have the same efficacy of mitigating headache. Nevertheless, the arguer provides no evidence to substantiate that this is the case, nor does the author establish a causal relationship between salicylates and aspirin.(用了nor does the author,说明前后主语不同。而这里前后都是说author,而且前面未用强调，后面直接加强，感觉语气稍微变化大了一点。个人意见改为：Nevertheless, the arguer does not provide any evidence to substantiate that this is the case, nor establish a causal relationship between salicylates and aspirin.) In spit(spite) of aspirin has a great curative effect on headache, furthermore, salicylates has the same chemical structure with aspirin, the author still cannot confirm that salicylates have(前面你用的都是单数) the equivalent efficacy.
Even if salicylates has the same efficacy with aspirin, the author relies on the additional assumption that it is contribute to the decline of the amount of people have headache. However, salicylates cannot be the only reason which leads to this situation. It is highly possible that other factors might also bring in these same results. For instance, the wholesome and regular life pattern, highly developed medical system and great improved environmental quality are probably responsible for that. He also believed that salicylates could steady(steadily) decline the number of people have(having,是要做从句，还是限定？) headache, whereas, he ignored(不知道为什么，感觉你整个文章的时态有点乱，前面第一段有一般现在时来评论作者，这里又经常换为过去时) another indispensable condition that there are also many reasons served to increase the proportion of headache. Such as great pressure of life and work and some disease like insomnia. Without accounting for this and other possible causations, the author opinionatedly brought in a verdict.
To sum up, this arguer fails to attest its prediction that salicylates can steady decline in number of individuals suffered from headache. To strengthen the conclusion, the author should give more evidences to justify the possibilities above-mentioned, it (. It) would have been more rational and reasonable.

整体上看，写得很好，句式掌握很丰富，同时词汇量很广。我是看着词典才改完的。惭愧啊。
不过时态和句子搭配上稍微可能需要一点注意。太注重使用长句，忽略短句的连接，会使文章的流畅带来一点点影响。