issue150 寄托4人组

meautoUID: 2116250

issue150
Because of television and worldwide computer connections, people can now become familiar with a great many places that they have never visited. As a result, tourism will soon become obsolete.
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Will television and overwhelming computer connections dampen people’s love of traveling as the statement asserts? Although I must confess that modern technology affords us information about places otherwise we would never known, tourism, as far as I am concerned, will by no means be outdated for its all-dimensional experience.  

It is undeniable that television and computer connections make information of a host of places easily accessible. After all, in our information explosive era, there seems no place on earth that people can step their feet on but has not yet covered by the media. Nearly all the traveling destinations can find their names and pictures on the Internet and TV networks without much effort. In this light, for people interested in the famous tomb of Tutankhamun, the ancient Egyptian king, to click the mouse is to know everything: delicate death mask, breathtaking frescos, and the controversy on his mysterious death- all in the lively forms of video and audio files. In short, if people tour for knowledge, what they get from television and computer connections is no less, perhaps more detailed, than information obtained through an exhausting journey.
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However, is for knowledge alone that people travel here and there, regardless of the expenditure and potential risks of trips? Obviously the answer is no. Most people, indeed, are traveling for temporary relaxation, escaping from their burdened daily work and stressed rapid pace of life. In this sense, however, the sunshine in Hawaii beach differs substantially from that on our way to schools and offices, absent of an atmosphere for us to relax. In addition, the charm of traveling is not restricted on a two-dimension level, but involves the whole process to feel, to smell, to touch, and to taste. Take myself for example, sitting in front of a flat, dull screen offers nothing exciting about the home cooking by a native in the Tibet; not to miss the essence I need to taste the food personally.

Contrary to the negative effect of television and computer connections on tourism as the speaker contends, the availability of mass information, in turn, will prosper the tourism industry. For one thing, more choices usually attract paralleliing more people glad to engage themselves in diverse cultures, as illustrated by the increasing popularity of remote areas as touring destinations. On the other hand, free information on TV and the Internet, such as charged fees, traveling directions, hotel reservations, undoubtedly facilitates the process of traveling, which promotes the tourism throughout the world.

In conclusion, advanced technology like television and computer connections will not obsolete tourism but to flourish it by the massive information it offers, and the ease it has brought to each chain of a successful journey.

bridgewalkerUID: 208595

issue150
Because of television and worldwide computer connections, people can now become familiar with a great many places that they have never visited. As a result, tourism will soon become obsolete.
------正文------
Will television and overwhelming (怪) computer connections dampen people’s love of traveling as the statement asserts? Although I must(have to 是不是好些？) confess that modern technology affords us information about places otherwise (前面用“，”?) we would never known (know), tourism(分2句吧！感觉你在生拉硬拽。), as far as I am concerned, will by no means be outdated for its all-dimensional (是自己造的吗？) experience.  
论点句不清楚简明，建议斟酌！

It is undeniable that television and computer connections make information of (about是不是好些？) a host of places easily accessible. After all, in our information explosive era, there seems no place on earth that people can step their feet on but has not yet covered by the media. Nearly all the traveling destinations can find their names and pictures on the Internet and TV networks without much effort. In this light, for people interested in the famous tomb of Tutankhamun, the ancient Egyptian king, to click the mouse is to know everything: delicate death mask, breathtaking frescos, and the controversy on his mysterious death- all in the lively forms of video and audio files. In short, if people tour for knowledge, what they get from television and computer connections is no less, perhaps more detailed, than information obtained through an exhausting journey.
承认speaker的前半部分
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However, is for knowledge alone that people travel here and there (Wordy), regardless of the expenditure and potential risks of trips? Obviously the answer is no. Most people, indeed, are traveling (travel是不是好此？) for temporary relaxation, escaping from their burdened daily work and stressed rapid pace of life. In this sense, however, the sunshine in? Hawaii beach differs substantially from that on our way to schools and offices, absent of an atmosphere for us to relax. In addition, the charm of traveling is not restricted on a two-dimensional level, but involves the whole process to feel, to smell, to touch, and to taste. Take myself for example, sitting in front of a flat, dull screen offers nothing exciting about the home cooking by a native in the Tibet; not to miss the essence I need to taste the food personally.
这一段问题很严重！从第一句看你好像要讲travel的expenditure和risk，但你后面确讲的是人们出于什么目的去travel、Natural beauty是如何如何的好。好像文不对题哦！

Contrary to the negative effect of television and computer connections (你前面好像根本就没有摆出来！) on tourism as the speaker contends, the availability of mass information, in turn, will prosper (这样的用法好像少见) the tourism industry. For one thing, more choices usually attract paralleling (这样用也少见啊！) more people glad to engage themselves in diverse cultures (建议改成the more…the more…句型), as illustrated (怎么illustrate的？考官想看的是这个!) by the increasing popularity of remote areas as touring destinations.(连在一起实在是牵强，分两句吧！) On the other hand, free information on TV and the Internet, such as charged fees (这也能facilitate? 如果故宫不收门票，那才facilitate呢！), traveling directions, hotel reservations, undoubtedly facilitates the process of traveling, which promotes the tourism throughout the world.
这一段你想讲info给旅游业带来的好处。但你给的两个例子没很好的展现出info的伟大作用，我明白你想说什么但老美不明白，你要说出来！你好像思维想当然的跳跃了！

In conclusion, advanced technology like television and computer connections will not obsolete tourism but to flourish it by the massive information it offers, and the ease it has brought to each chain of a successful journey.
仓促，是不是限时的缘故？

总结一下：
逻辑有问题，没有说服力。建议下次发作文的时候附上中文提纲，先从中文看有没有说服力。
语言问题大，给人的感觉是在将中文翻译成英文，选词的时候只要中文意思能对上就往上写，不顾及该词的具体用法和搭配。

加油！我可能有很多说得不对的地方。我拍人一向很狠，表介意！

[ Last edited by bridgewalker on 2005-8-8 at 22:19 ]

哥哥家有二师兄UID: 2124390

那明天的题目什么时候出来呢。今天的作业我恐怕不能及时交了，但是明天的我可以的：）

meautoUID: 2116250

Originally posted by 哥哥家有二师兄 at 2005-8-8 21:25
那明天的题目什么时候出来呢。今天的作业我恐怕不能及时交了，但是明天的我可以的：）

去看那个组队贴,已经出来了.

meautoUID: 2116250

谢谢ＢＲＩＤＧＥＷＡＬＫＥＲ
我仔细的看一下．

meautoUID: 2116250

比较大的问题有:
1,TV and computers提供了大量的信息---->信息让人familiar places---->familiar以后人们就不想去旅游了(旅游业衰退)
我的文章里面基本上都没有涉及第2个步骤的分析.

2第三段讲休闲旅游a人们需要的是一个放松的环境b而这个环境是TV and computer connections没有办法提供的
b的问题没有讲清楚.而且,这顶多算是TV and computer connections不能代替旅游的理由,不足以说明它们可以make tourism obsolete.

3语言问题,这个我得承认,有些词不是特别清楚.


今天先看到这儿,谢谢各位了.

cdc95117UID: 190622