Argument232 12月高强组周一作业

番茄angelaUID: 2204871

Argummet232 The following appeared in a memo from the sales manager of Eco-Power, a company that manufactures tools and home appliances.

"Many popular radio and television commercials use memorable tunes and song lyrics to call attention to the products being advertised. Indeed, a recent study of high school students showed that 85 percent could easily recognize the tunes used to advertise leading soft drinks and fast-food restaurants. Despite our company's extensive advertising in magazines during the past year, sales of our home appliances declined. Therefore, to boost company profits, we should now switch to advertisements featuring a distinctive song."

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提纲：
1.没有证据证明销售下跌是因为广告.可能是质量，款式一直没有跟上需求。
2. 调查是对高中生的，EP不可能希望高中生会是家庭用具的消费群体。而其消费群比如主妇等，是否也有对广告歌曲一样的反应，不被保证。
3. 软饮料和家庭用品性质不一样，并且费用问题要考虑，广告歌曲请人写，还要通过电视广播广告，这些都比杂志的费用高。


WORDS: 434          TIME: 0:33:16         DATE: 2006-11-20
In the argument, the author concludes that to boost company profits, we should now switch to advertisements featuring a distinctive song. To support this recommendation the author cites the fact that a recent study of high school students showed that 95 percent could recognize the tunes used to advertise leading soft drinks and fast-food restaurants, and sales of EP's home appliances declined because of their company advertising in magazines in the past year. Close examination of this supporting evidence, however, the argument shows that the argument contains several factors that are questionable.

The problem of initial stage with this argument is that there is no evidence to prove sales declined result from advertisement. Perhaps the types of home appliances have been out-of -date to people's sight in modern times, and maybe the quality of home appliances cannot follow people's requirement at present. Without point out other possible reasons for advertisement effect sales of home appliances the author cannot convince me on the basis of them that EP should use distinctive song as their advertisements featuring.

Another fundamental point worth considering is that the survey only focuses on high students, and EP cannot wish these students are the main groups who will spend money on home appliances. Yet the author provides no effective evidence to substantiate that the real consumers of home appliances are house-wives who should be take much expense on home appliances, whether they have the same response to the distinctive song. Furthermore, without more making data analysis about the proportion of consumption level of house-wives, it is difficult to assess the value of the article's recommendation.

A third problem also assumes unfairly that soft drinks and home appliances have significant different characters. We would need to provide obvious statistical evidence that the people who call attention by using memorable tunes and songs in soft drinks can also have a deep impression to recognize home appliances when they hear distinctive song. Without accounting for other elements that may contribute to distinctive song lack of success in sales of home appliances, the author cannot justify the assertion that EP should use distinctive song as their advertisements featuring.

In conclusion, the argument is logically flawed and the recommendation shows that the basis of the doubtful assumption that renders it unconvincing as it stands. The author should provide direct evidence that the expense of using distinctive song as their advertisements featuring, it must be higher than advertising in magazines. To better evaluate the reliability of the survey upon which the author’s recommendation, we would need more information about the size and makeup of the survey’s data.

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

In the argument, the author concludes that to boost company profits, we should now switch to advertisements featuring a distinctive song. To support this recommendation 用词最好一致,前面concludes这里就 conclusion the author cites the fact that a recent study of high school students showed that 95 percent could recognize the tunes used to advertise leading soft drinks and fast-food restaurants, and sales of EP's home appliances declined because of their company advertising in magazines in the past year. Close examination of this supporting evidence, however, the argument shows that the argument contains several factors that are questionable.

The problem of initial stage with this argument is that there is no evidence to prove sales declined result from because of advertisement. Perhaps the types of home appliances produced by EP have been out-of -date to people's sight in modern times, and maybe the quality of home appliances cannot follow people's requirement at present. Without point out excluding other possible reasons for besides advertisement that effect sales of home appliances the author cannot convince me on the basis of them 这句没什么必要,而且THEM指代不清 that EP should use distinctive song as their advertisements featuring.
第一段的论证相当不错, 不过很多用法显得很诡异, 不知道是我水平有限没听说过还是楼主生套的...? 思路上没什么太大问题, good job

Another fundamental point worth considering is that the survey only focuses on high students, and EP cannot wish these students are the main groups who will spend money on home appliances. 这句感觉太唐突了, 应该先说明下在逻辑上作者引用的调查无法证明他的观点, 等等, 先将错误归纳以后再攻击比较容易make sense Yet the author provides no effective evidence to substantiate that the real consumers of home appliances are 这句楼主犯了类似ARGU中的错误, 说得太绝对了, for example,including之类会好得多, 因为也没证据表明都是家庭主妇去买那些产品, 万一这里的家庭都是双职工呢? house-wives who should be take much expense on are likely to buy more home appliances, whether they have the same response to the distinctive song. 句子太长太碎, hard to follow,建议写成短句 Furthermore, without more making data analysis analyzing more on data about the proportion of consumption level of house-wives, it is difficult to assess the value of the article's recommendation.
这段楼主钻进自己写的提纲里去了,前提假设home appliances的消费者都是家庭主妇, 全段都在围绕这个做论证, 就很难自圆其说了
更要紧的是, 作者用这个调查只是为了证明人们因为声音更深刻地记下了饮料和饭店的广告, 而没有用这个直接论证EP应该采用这种广告策略来增加家庭用具的销量, 楼主在作者的两个不直接关联的逻辑要素中建立了联系, 然后去攻击这个联系, 有点打歪靶子的意思. 只要论证说学校的学生记住不代表所有人都能记住, 说明这样广告不一定对所有人有效就可以了.

A third problem 之前改别人的作文的时候我多次建议不要在段首用并列关系的引导词, 当这些逻辑错误不是一个层次的时候, 这样会让你的文章显得很松散, 楼主第一段在说广告不是唯一原因, 第二段在说调查论据不可靠, 第三段在说调查论据不能用于EP, 三者之间都存在让步假设的关系, 说明这层关系会让你的文章各段之间的层次更紧密, 选择连接词的时候最好也能选用能表达这种意义的词汇. also assumes unfairly that soft drinks and home appliances have significant different characters.这句意思反了吧? 说是问题不公平的假设(?)软饮料和家庭用品之间有重大的差异--这个不是楼主想表达的意思么?怎么成了ARGUMENT的错误了? We would need to provide be provided obvious statistical evidence that the people who call attention by using memorable tunes and songs in soft drinks can also have a deep impression to recognize home appliances when they hear distinctive song. Without accounting for other elements that may contribute to distinctive song lack of success in sales of home appliances, the author cannot justify the assertion that EP should use distinctive song as their advertisements featuring.又是一段又长又碎的句子, 你是在写作文, 不是在出阅读题考阅卷老师, 记得用尽量acceptable的语言.

In conclusion, the argument is logically flawed and the recommendation shows that the basis of the doubtful assumption that renders it unconvincing as it stands. The author should provide direct evidence which shows that the expense of using distinctive song as their advertisements featuring, it must be higher than advertising in magazines.这句前面也没论证过啊, 而且提出直接的证据证明用曲调做广告比在杂志上做广告不是在削弱作者的结论么? 应该是证明用曲调做广告更有效吧? To better evaluate the reliability of the survey upon which the author’s recommendation author recommends, we would need more information about the size and makeup of the survey’s data.

全篇看下来...感觉楼主是学理的学生吧? 思路清晰攻击合理, 但是语言错误实在太多, 以至于把自己都绕进去了.
强烈建议先看下北美范文, 红蝎子的5,6分范文, 掌握攻击的常用语句, 这样会让你的攻击又容易被接受.

番茄angelaUID: 2204871

谢谢lastangel提的宝贵意见哦~
我会把文章再改改的
确实有时候把自己也给饶进去了