I partly agree with the author's point that the way people look, dress and act reveals their attitudes and interests. (稍微改写一点,尽量不要照抄题目) However, I concede that he or she makes a conclusion, (不太通,ms句法有错误) we can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people, is based on several empirical evidences. (前面半句用concede貌似要赞成,后面半句又反对了?) The appearance and behavior of its people do not (语法,is not) the best sign of a society's ideas and values. (你是不是要表达前半句部分赞成,后半句部分否定的意思?你对于后半句的态度写的不太清楚了)
First of all, granted (对什么让步?第一个body开头ts就对开头段的总论点让步????前面没有论证这里来一个让步感觉非常没有必要.用一个although...可能效果会好很多.) that the way people look, dress and act reveals certain attitudes and interests, it is hard to represent the truly inside desire or interests of people for many outside influence alternative factors. (ts还是很清楚的.嗯) Such as the employees in the big business company, the stuff used to negotiate with their customs to gain more profits. If the stuff’s clothes style is as fashion as he or she likes, maybe skimpily clad women, or men address with easy negligence, which will give their customs unbelievable impress. (你需要论证的是在某些情况下人们的衣着无法代表内心的希望和兴趣,红字部分说的是穿的不随性会造成的工作上的不良影响,中间还说了很多男的女的会穿什么样的衣服.例子侧重点不与ts match了) In this case, the stuff’s appearance and behavior is the vivid sign of their company rather than their truly attitudes and interests. (yes,这句话才是正道) Further, (前后似乎不构成递进关系) the principal or the other powerful person is the same. The nation's principal must stand for the country the high code of ethics, because he or she is represented the nation's values and ideas. Howbeit, they possible not the moralists in the country, (句法错误) they have to give up own attitudes and interests since their obligationes as powerful leaders. So, the way people look, dress and act could not totally reveal their attitudes and interests.
However, even though (又是让步,一看就有把题目完全驳倒的架势.开头不是部分否定的观念么?到现在还没有出现任何赞同的body.) the appearance and behavior of people is under the influence of the society's ideas and values in some cases, (很奇怪的让步,这里如果even though使用正确,那么上面一段应该是在说人们没有收到社会理念价值观的影响,而你上一段第二个观念已经在论述了大人物被社会观念影响的情况.没有东西可以让你用来让步.用although应该才是正确的.) it’s hard to understand a society's ideas and values just only though people's behavior or appearance. (论点本身很好) On the one hand, people's behavior and appearance (do) not entire depends (depend) on the society. (根据你下面的论证内容,这里应该强调是本社会而非其它的社会) As the globalization, people can know more about the outside, and share their experience, their culture, their values all around the world form the television, the internet, and the mobile phone. Their minds are broadened several times from other countries' culture and values rather than limited by their own society's ideas or values. (不能赞同.人们作为社会的组成,他们的观念就是社会的观念,虽然人们的观念受到外来观念的影响而发生了变化.你的论证只能说明现在人的衣着行为不能代表社会传统的理念价值) Therefore, the appearance and behavior of people could not stand for a society's ideas and values perfectly.
On the other hand, (关键的逻辑关联词总是用得很糟糕-_-|||,上面的on the one hand说到的是为什么人们的举止不能代表社会理念价值,这里已经是讲应该用什么方法来表示社会理念价值了,这两者之间怎么能够是并列的one hand other hand的关系呢?本段应该是提出解决方案) a society's ideas and values should be represented by the just law system rather than the appearance and behavior of people. The people's appearance and behavior seems depend on several alternative factors, (只是重复第一个body的第二个论点.) nevertheless, the just law with few limitations can best represent a society's ideas and values. (提出了一个论点,后面没有任何论证.等于无效.lz是不是到这里没有时间了?)
In sum, though the way people look, dress and act reveals a litter part of their attitudes and interests, we can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people. (无语了,怀疑body跟结尾是不是一个人写的???明明最后一两个body在说人们行为不能代表社会理念价值,这里怎么又说是可以通过个人来发现社会的???) We should consider fully of the just law and other important factors of the society before accepting the author’s conclusion. (最后又没头没脑毫无转折加了一个我们在接受作者观念之前应该考虑法律及其其它重要因素,跟前面一句完全自相矛盾.ft)
lz的issue思路有argument化倾向 人们衣着无法代表其内心取向(其中一个原因是收到社会影响)(反对topic前半段)---->虽然有社会的影响,人们的思维还是无法代表社会的理念价值---->应该用法律来代表(观念很奇怪,也没有展开) 这个思路还是蛮清楚的,虽然各个body篇幅不协调. 但是开头和结尾实在是太糟糕.感觉就像是另外的文章的开头结尾硬加在这篇文章body之上,根本就不配套. 开头:部分赞同topic前半句衣着行为可以表现个人(body内却反驳了这个观念),反对topic后半部分人们心理可以代表社会(这里body倒确实支持了) 不过结尾却说:我们能通过个体人的衣着行为来了解社会的理念价值,简直就是扇了自己一个响亮的耳光(body刚刚论证了这个是错误的.)后面又毫无征兆地忽然加上一句接受作者观念之前要法律的内容,又狠狠的扇了前面一句赞同作者观念的结论的耳光. 实在不知道lz写结尾的时候在想什么. body的框架还是可以接受的,除了那几个连接词.
[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-3-18 04:44 编辑 ] |