OG作文Writing Section部分的独立写作，请指教。

xry98UID: 2178698

请指教。

Topic:
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?

Essay:

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, some young adults like to live independence as soon as possible meanwhile others prefer to live with their parents for a longer time. As far as I am concerned, there are more advantages for the young adults that are independence from their parents as soon as possible than those live with their families for a longer time. I will explore a couple of the most important reasons for this statement.

The primary strength of the idea that young adults live independence is that they can learn many specific abilities which they cannot get if they live with their families. As it known, parents always prepare everything well for their children because of their affection to the children. Children even the young adults almost do not need to care about the tiny affairs in their daily life. For example, people who are living with their parents may not care about the rent of the apartment, or they do not care about how to prepare a delicious and nourishing supper for themselves because all of these are done by their parents. In contrast, independence for young adults can make them care about these problems and promote them to learn these abilities.

Another important reason of this argument is that independence can make the young adults start to work as soon as possible. People who live independence have to find a job to support them because the regular fee for the apartment rent, the fee of their food, and the fee of the water and electricity supplied by the water and electricity companies are the foremost things of their daily life. They have to work hard. Also, they can get acquainted with the society quickly if they start to work.

Finally, they can make many new friends in the new circumstance. Many strangers will become their friends, even the best friends. Friends are very important for everyone because friends can help them when they are in troubles which their parents cannot help them. Also, making new friends is a very interesting thing. People can share their happiness with their friends. It is beneficial for them to have a break from the work.

From the statement that was presented above, independence for young adults can bring about many benefits for them such as new essential abilities of lives; excite experience of jobs and many new friends. Thus, I can draw a conclusion that it is advisable for young adults to live independence from their parents.

lintelleUID: 2297267

先过来踩一脚~
这次一看你的模式就觉得心情很好。进步了进步了呀~:loveliness:

xry98UID: 2178698

谢谢小楣，你对我总是这么好:loveliness: ，呵呵，感动啊。:handshake

xry98UID: 2178698

顶。

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern(其实这三个是一个东西,不过分来说可以合理而有效的增加字数赞一下,玩死ETS), some young adults like to live independence as soon as possible meanwhile others prefer to live with their parents for a longer time. As far as I am concerned, there are more advantages for the young adults that are independence from their parents as soon as possible than those live with their families for a longer time. I will explore a couple of the most important reasons for this statement(基本是重复题目的说法,不过很有效也是只用好的开头方式^_^).

The primary strength of the idea that young adults live independence is that they can learn many specific abilities(ability不是learn的而是gain,obtain或者acquire的) which they cannot get if they live(虚拟语气后面动词应该向前窜一个时态) with their families. As it known, parents always prepare everything well(没用的副词用的越多证明语言能力越强) for their children because of their affection to the children(children一句里用了两个,替换下,kids或者别什么你知道的也行). Children even the young adults almost do not need to care about the tiny affairs in their daily life. For example, people who are living with their parents may not care about the rent of the apartment, or they do not care about how to prepare a delicious and nourishing supper for themselves because all of these are done by their parents. In contrast(洋人爱看这个), independence for young adults can make them care about these problems and promote them to learn these abilities(从反面来支持自己的观点,洋人喜欢看这样的东西).

Another important reason of this argument is that independence can make the young adults start to work as soon as possible. People who live independence have to find a job to support them because the regular fee for the apartment rent(上一段说过这个了), the fee of their food(这个不够具体), and the fee of the water and electricity supplied by the water and electricity companies(这样的小trick如果老用的话很容易让人认为你可能就会这么点东西,所有要增加字数还是别老用这种简单重复的办法吧) are the foremost things of their daily life. They have to work hard. Also, they can get acquainted with the society quickly if they start to work(整段例子都比较软,不能有力支持观点,说的也不具体,再想想其他例子吧).

Finally, they can make many new friends(和上面的get acquainted with the society明明一样么,想点别的例子) in the new circumstance(不错替换了高级词汇没用environment). Many strangers will become their friends, even the best friends(说的没什么必要,best与否跟independence没关系). Friends are very important for everyone because friends can help them when they are in troubles which their parents cannot help them. Also, making new friends is a very interesting thing. People can share their happiness with their friends. It is beneficial for them to have a break from the work(整段的例子都很乱来,好好想想先).

From the statement that was presented above, independence for young adults can bring about many benefits for them such as new essential abilities of lives; excite experience of jobs and many new friends(你看,总结里头你自己说的也只有两个方面,上面分三段其实也就两个例子而已). Thus, I can draw a conclusion that it is advisable for young adults to live independence from their parents(结尾蛮模式话的应该出自某模版吧,不过还不错啦).

总结:
语法和用词上基本没什么bug了,不过思路结构上还需要提高,如果没猜错你是女生吧?议论文应该议论嘛,例子要有力,得能支持你的论点才行,句子结构还可以,不是那种大牛的错综复杂式从句,不过也可以,我经常看新概念,新3里很多好的句型结构不妨拿来用用
有时候注意的词汇的高级替换,不过有时候还是用错

建议:
现在有时间,下笔前能否先思考下,现在不怕慢,除了开头结尾中间是否支持论点也很重要

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

对了,小梅对我不好,老是不回复我

xry98UID: 2178698

太谢谢小c啦，改的这么详细，麻烦你啦。
不过，我得声明一点，我是男生，不知为什么说我像女生？呵呵。
再次感谢，你对我也非常好。:loveliness:

LittleMissGTUID: 2334058

明明就是男生 那么多重复的话只有男生写的出来……

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

男生应该更注意逻辑,你学文科的?