issue48

sololalalaUID: 2387230

Issue48 The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose
identities have long been forgotten.
翻译:历史学研究过分注重个人。历史上最重大的事件和趋势并不是由少数杰出人物造就的，而是由那些其身份早就湮没无闻的人类群体所创造的


WORDS: 563          TIME: N/A          DATE: 2007-12-16  下午 03:04:38

Historic study servers to pursue the stem of custom evolution, culture progress and moral enhancement of our ancestors, have been growing concern with individuals over these decades. According to this, the speaker assert that the research of history overemphasize personal effort but overlook the most significant event and trends in history, which were usually made by common people. As for me, the speaker's state seems goes to extremely.

To begin with, compare with the greats, the groups of mediocre people characterize an essential role as flesh in a body, celebrity as skeleton need flesh' supports the like. Any prominent ideology or strategy were implements and put into practice by public. Take magnificent culture as an example, the world knew project of The Great Wall and the engineering of Great canal werecompletedby millions of tenacious ancestors, whose identities have long been forgotten. However, only based on the fruit achieved from them, the current super-modern society exist of reality and progressing amazingly. Without ancestors, outstanding individual will bebogged down the abyss with hopeless and helpless, seminal ideology will implement like castle in the air as a whole. Thus, the eventually efforts carry out by the inferiors of the leader, who could not be substituted and disregarded.

Admittedly, a single one was arduous to finish the momentous events. But merely hinges on the avocations with partners, outstanding accomplishments are roughly to obtain. So they need a distinguished one, that who is the famous person, who with prospective and insightful tact, as well as organize competence for leadership. s/he as a catalyst stimulate the passion of co-workers, direct the bearing of teamwork, provide a shoulder of responsibility. Its aptly to illustrate the importance of the outstanding individual not only in the past but also in the modern life. For example, Linux Tornados, the father of Linux, who publicized the codes of the operating system decades ago, inspiring several computer works and attracting widely concern. Owing to his contribution, Linux was ranked the second operating system in the world just behind Windows. In this sense, the significant trend was initiating by Linux Tornados, who endowed our experience and paradigm, then lead us work with enthusiasm and take the avenue to success. In short, it is the creativity of these famous persons who spark the hope and the general person fuel the future.

Unfortunately,with the development of society and history, there is an undeniable fact that some oblivious person with excellent contribution was shadowby individual. Nevertheless, this problem should not be ascribed to our study of history, it is not strange for the majority popularly lack of academic background and acknowledge, get them have no interest or patient to pursue the truth. Furthermore, in most cases, history literature for the sake of convenience always just record the most contributed person as a result has not detailed wrote down those information, which lead common one have been forgotten consciously or unconsciously. It is particularly conspicuous when comes to television programs teem with advertisement.

In sum, is the majority who share no energies to bolster the celebrity get great effort shadow by the aura of them. On the contrary, these brilliant individual decide the crucial choice and pan the deliberate strategy, thus have far-reaching influence in our history, earning us respect and appreciation, as a result acquainted with them and remember them for eternally as well.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-12-16 14:46 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

Historic study(, which) servers to pursue the stem of custom evolution, culture progress and moral enhancement of our ancestors(这句感觉是废话), have been growing concern (has been growingly concerned) with individuals over these decades. According to this,(how do you know this? 作者可没说"these decades"和历史学习干嘛的那些话) the speaker assert(s) that the research of history overemphasize personal effort but overlook the most significant event and trends in history, which were usually made by common people. As for me, the speaker's state seems goes to extremely.

(建议在写作中尽量少出现没有证据的判断性假设, 这样会让文章显得不严谨, 可以把判断改为解释, 比如这段写成: As a subject serves to..., historic study needs to take representatives as samples, which makes it more focused on heroic individuals. It is reasonable to figure out, in this sense, that we emphasize too much on heroes as the speaker asserts. However, as for me, this assertion seems to go too extremely. The reasons of my assessment on the assertion will be dicussed below.)

To begin with,(无意义的并列开始词, 你下一段直接admittedly了, 这里就一个, 没东西跟它并列, 所以不要用, 直接写后面的开头就行) compare with the greats (多余, 后面都有celebrity了), the groups of mediocre people characterize an essential role as flesh in a body, celebrity as skeleton need flesh' supports the like (while the celebrity need them just like the skeleton needs supports from flesh.). Any prominent ideology or strategy were implements and put into (俩词一个意思, implement要用动词形式) practice by (the) public(这句跟上面的比喻完全没有联系, 骨头要肉支持....反了吧?, 写成骨头需要肉跟它在一起, 使身体活起来, 那么名人的理想需要大众来实现, 使他们活跃, 这样还能看出联系来). Take magnificent culture as an example, the world knew project of The Great Wall and the engineering of Great canal werecompletedby millions of tenacious ancestors, whose identities have long been forgotten. However, only based on the fruit achieved from them, the current super-modern society exist of reality and progressing amazingly.(例子叙述和解释呢? 列两个名词可不算举例) Without ancestors (在讨论大众, 祖宗是哪出来的?), outstanding individual will be bogged down (in) the abyss with (of) hopeless(ness) and helpless(ness), seminal ideology will implement like (be) (a) castle in the air as a whole (无意义, 多余). Thus, the eventually efforts carry(ied) out by the inferiors of the leader, who (指代不明, 根据就近原则是指leader, 但你显然是在说the inferiors, 句子出现歧义, 另外inferiors特指下等人, 比如仆人随从什么的, 所以不要乱用) could not be substituted and disregarded.

段落的实例举了跟没举一样, 分析也是车轱辘话, 就那么几个比喻来回说, 说明不了问题, 其实全段内容一句话就概括了: 没有大众伟人的想法是实现不了的. 而展开需要讨论的, 则是伟人的想法如何被实现, 大众具有怎样的属性, 为什么只有靠他们伟人的想法才能被实现...等等, 注意论证层次的深入.

另外语法错误太多了, 我只纠正这一段的, 之后的内容我只点评写作逻辑和结构问题. 象动词名词不分, 动词主动被动不分, 形容词当名词用的错误很多, 已经影响了你的表达, 而且用了很多不合适的词, 强烈建议再巩固下语法知识.

Admittedly, a single one was arduous to finish the momentous events.(arduous 不等于important或者necessary, 题目讨论的是客观看待的问题, 而不是个人主观的意愿, 把这个词用在段落中心句里已经显得跑题了. 而转折用在这也显得不合适, 之前在说正的, 忽然转回来说反的, 再转回去说正的, 相互之间也不见什么联系, 这样文章的结构就很乱) But merely hinges on the avocations with partners, outstanding accomplishments are roughly to obtain.(但是在于和同伴的副业上所仅存的关键(分句没谓语), 杰出成就去实现的话很粗糙--你想说什么...? 有些词词性也用错了, 另外中心句后面就开始转折会使逻辑混乱) So they need a distinguished one, that who is the famous person, who with prospective and insightful tact, as well as organize competence for leadership.(看到这大概看懂你想说什么了...句子的结构也很乱, 注意在排比时的句势要整齐, 另外就是用词要妥当, 强烈建议多看些native的文章, 外文报纸杂志范文外国网页都可以, 一定要熟悉语感, 否则这些写出来老外都看不懂. 前三句给你改下: However, we cannot deny the arduous individuals who organize to accomplish the momentous events. Merely the public, though powerful, are not able to make outstanding accomplishment. They need leaders, who are prospective and insightful, to give them competence by combining their scattered powers together.) s/he as a catalyst stimulate the passion of co-workers, direct the bearing of teamwork, provide a shoulder of responsibility. Its aptly to illustrate the importance of the outstanding individual not only in the past but also in the modern life (多余, 哪里提到过去和现在了?). For example, Linux Tornados, the father of Linux, who publicized the codes of the operating system decades ago, inspiring several computer works and attracting widely concern. Owing to his contribution, Linux was ranked the second operating system in the world just behind Windows. In this sense, the significant trend was initiating by Linux Tornados, who endowed our experience and paradigm, then lead us work with enthusiasm and take the avenue to success. (这位同学如何团结员工力量了? 又如何领导了? 你光说他自己多杰出, 却没说他和大众的关系, 已经偏离讨论方向了) In short, it is the creativity of these famous persons who spark the hope and the general person fuel the future(这个点亮未来又是哪里来的...)


如果你的中心论点是认为作者过于极端的话, 那么就是在否认作者的观点, 即: 我们没有在名人身上花去过多精力, 名人很牛B, 所以我们要多多研究名人, 那么这段才是你的正观点, 应该用正面的, 而不是admittedly, 而第一段才是反的, 是让步.

Unfortunately,with the development of society and history, there is an undeniable fact that some oblivious person with excellent contribution was shadow by individual.(some people和individual, 都是个人, 前面的是要说groups?) Nevertheless, this problem should not be ascribed to our study of history, it is not strange for the majority popularly lack of academic background and acknowledge, get them have no interest or patient to pursue the truth.(这句又想说什么? 转折完又转折, 感觉你的意思是: 的确我们很强调个人而无视了大众力量, 但这不怪我们的学习, 是大众太弱了. 先不说这个论断能不能被证明好不好证明, 你的表达就成问题, 连续转折后会让你本意不明, 而使用undeniable这样让步词会进一步加深这种曲折关系.) (无论据假设, 如何证明大众没有能力? 很risky的论断) Furthermore, in most cases, history literature for the sake of convenience always just record the most contributed person as a result has not detailed wrote down those information, which lead common one have been forgotten consciously or unconsciously.(感觉这句话是文章里唯一对题的一句话, 以它展开一段倒是会比较符合issue的要求) It is particularly conspicuous when comes to television programs teem with advertisement.(怎么又跳到电视节目和广告了..?)

In sum, is the majority who share no energies to bolster the celebrity get great effort shadow by the aura of them. On the contrary, these brilliant individual decide the crucial choice and pan the deliberate strategy, thus have far-reaching influence in our history, earning us respect and appreciation, as a result acquainted with them and remember them for eternally as well.

总评:

文章总体看下来的感觉就是: 混乱.
也许我说的不客气了点, 但也是希望你能从此得到更多的建议和改进的想法.
整理你的文章思路后我想一个比较合适的套路应该是:
1(提出观点) 作者说得太极端了, 我们没有过分强调个人
2(让步)的确, 没有大众个人是成不了事的
3(转入自己的观点) 没有个人大众也成不了事
4(进一步解释)而由于记录条件, 个人能力和学习方法的限制, 在历史学习中强调个人无可厚非, 所谓的'too'不成立

这样最后一段其实是最重要最能说明问题的一段, 而第三段其实意义不大, 可以简略.

建议LZ再多看看范文, 北美官方都可以, 了解下一般的ISSUE组织结构. 在结构上追求创新和个性没错, 但在那之前先让人看懂吧.

加油!


[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-12-16 14:42 编辑 ]

sololalalaUID: 2387230

Admittedly, even a celebrity has his capability and imagination, merely one is hardly to achieve the final success. Just as the famous few like skeleton in a body, flesh is necessarily to supporting the skeleton. These eminent ideology from the individuals were implemented into practice by public. For example, many years ago, the world knew cultural heritage Great wall and Great canal were completed by millions of tennacious commons. While the outstanding imagination has already in emperor' mind, he need commons to carry out his ideal. Although the scattered and little power in the groups of mediocre people is not enough to finish the job, the sum of power and wisdom accumulating togerther is infinite, which promot our society progressing amazingly.In short, with out the mass people, outstanding individual will be bogged in the abyss of hopeness and helpness, seminal policy will be a castle in the air.

However, we cannot deny the arduous individuals who organize to accomplish the momentous events. Merely the public, though powerful, are not able to make outstanding accomplishment. They need leaders, who are prospective and insightful, instill them a sense of cooperation and given them competence by combining their scattered powers together, which can make use of every member's advantages and intelligence to maximize the productivity and efficiency. For example, Linux Tornados, the father of Linux, who publicized the codes of the operating system decades ago, inspiring several computer works and attracting widely concern. Owing to his contribution, Linux was ranked the second operating system in the world just behind Windows. He accepts the suggestion from divers people, then improve the operating system with his wisdom and talent. In this sense, the significant trend was initiating by Linux Tornados, who endowed our experience and paradigm, then lead us work with enthusiasm and take the avenue to success
请问版主这样写二三段可以不? 改了一下.不知道还有没有跑题.

[ 本帖最后由 sololalala 于 2007-12-17 02:16 编辑 ]