帮忙改作文——第一次写……

QuincySMUID：2162088

023 In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.
最好给一个参考分数  实事求是  我不怕打击~~呵呵

It is a considerable fact that some teenagers take part in part-time jobs while they are still at school. Some people think it may help the children to know about the real society and understand the hardness of working, others argue that the reverse is true. Both arguments have their reasons. However, I side with the opinion that allowing teenagers to go for work is more harmful than helpful.
As I have concerned, the advocators of teenagers’ taking jobs say that it leads them to the society. I must say that children should have a happy childhood. A child is a child; he should be innocent and naive as a teenager. In fact, even a college student does a job only when necessary. We can imagine the horrible scene: A boy is selling food or newspaper in the morning, while his friends who are at the same age as his are still in bed. The overwhelming stress, to make matters worse, may even cause psychological diseases, making them regret having done so for their whole life.
To be frank, in my country, China, the employment of teenager is clearly forbidden by law. Teenagers have their rights of going to primary school, which is preserved by law also. In remote countryside, the families are often too poor to afford their children to go to school. Once some bosses, however, attracted the children with money and almost employed their whole families. Not until they were sentenced to prison life did they realize that making teenagers work was not only unreasonable, but also harm to society.
The most important reason is that teenagers cannot do work well mostly. The little children are often without pre-work training, so they are not skilled workers, nor do they have more strength or experience. The aim of doing business is to make profits. Though children are paid little, the quality and quantity of their product is doubtful, the companies or factories will most probably end up with failure.
I would recommend that teenagers should stay at school or home, and get away from work, even part-time job. Working is an essential part of everyone’s life to benefit others and the society, but putting it forward will only limit the students’ study time and eventually slower the development.

QuincySMUID：2162088

Ding

lyhcynthiaUID：2178647

建议：
１／段落连接不够分明。
２／你的ｓｕｐｐｏｒｔｉｎｇ　ｅｘａｍｐｌｅｓ　实际上不应该单独一段，如果单独一段就要在开头明确这段的中心，　三段要对称，而且我觉得你的例子和上面的段落是从属关系，　不应该单独出来。　
３／还有要注意个别词汇的用法，　修饰词语不能随便使用。　要注意搭配。

from 互助第６组。