argument114 端午节，我的第一篇Argument，麻烦大家多多指教小妹不胜感激!

蝴蝶结UID: 195566

114.A recently completed study shows that people dwelling in stairs-only apartment buildings (that is, buildings without elevators) live an average of three years longer than do people who live in buildings with both elevators and stairs. A second study shows that elderly residents of buildings with elevators make, on average, twice as many visits to doctors each year as do elderly residents of buildings without elevators. These findings suggest that even a very moderate amount of daily exercise, such as that required to use the stairs leading to and from one's apartment, can increase people's health and longevity. The findings also suggest that new apartment buildings should be constructed with as few elevators as possible.


The argument suggests that new apartment buildings should be constructed with as few elevators as possible in order to increase people’s health and longevity. To support this conclution, the arguer points out two studies that people dwelling in stairs-only apartment buildings live an average of three years longer than do people who live in buildings with both elevators and stairs and twice as many visit to doctors each year as the other ones. Nevertheless, close scrutiny of the evidence discloses that it accomplishes little toward supporting the arguer’s suggestion, as discussed below.

To begin with, there is no evidence to convince us that people’s health and longevity can be attributed to the elevators of the apartment buildings they live. Common sense tells me that a number of factors could contribute to health and longevity besides using stairs. Perhaps the people dwelling in stairs-only apartment buildings have better physiques themselves than the others. Or perhaps they have healthier diets and habits etc. Or even perhaps people living with both do not take elevators at all. Without testifying the causal relationship between using stairs and health and longevity, the argument is wholly unpersuasive.

Yet another problem involves the second study. Much more time visiting to doctors does not necessarily mean that the elderly residents dwelling with elevators are not as healthy as the non-elevator living elderly people. It is entirely possible that because the former give more emphasis on their health, they go to their doctors for examination and advice more frequently. Without ruling out why these elderly residents visit to their doctors more often, the arguer’s assertion is inconceivable.

As a final point, even if the arguer’s advice were modified as indicated above, the suggestion that new apartment buildings should be constructed with as few elevators as possible would still be unreliable. Without the elevators----the facilities of apartment buildings, life would become less convenient for the residents, especially the people dwelling in upper floors. In short, without a further investigation, the arguer’s recommendation does not show its adequacy.

Taking into account all these points, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it the author must provide clear evidence that using stairs indeed increase people’s health and longevity. To better assess the argument, we need more accurate information about the studies as well as a further investigation for the change of design of the new apartment buildings.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-6-11 at 19:47 ]

蝴蝶结UID: 195566

大家帮帮忙吧!

alaleiwUID: 2108387

To support this conclution, the arguer points out two studies that people dwelling in stairs-only apartment buildings live an average of three years longer than do people who live in buildings with both elevators and stairs and twice as many visit to doctors each year as the other ones.这句是不是太长了阿，建议分开写。
To begin with, there is no evidence to convince us that people’s health and longevity can be attributed to the elevators of the apartment buildings they live.建议这里尽量少用us这样的词。感觉这一句好像有直译中文的感觉（我也经常这样：P）
the argument is wholly unpersuasive这里wholly感觉语气太绝对了。
Yet another problem involves the second study。我说不会改这句话，反正感觉不对。
我是第一次帮别人改文章，这里好多问题和我的问题是一样的，所以我也改不出来：（
你第一次写argument就可以写成这样已经非常好了，加油噢。

蝴蝶结UID: 195566

谢谢alaleiw先！
关于Yet another problem involves sth.这句我是从新东方范文里copy的，应该没问题吧
我也觉得开头那句长了点，可是删点词好象又说不清楚意思了，不知道只写To support
this conclution, the arguer points out two studie.接着就转折行不行？

我是7.28作文，你呢？以后互相帮助吧:)

wscikiUID: 168925

8错8错，写的蛮好；就是最大的感觉是车轱辘话来回说，别扁我先。

如果减一个错，多丰富写些论证就完美了。（个人观点）

蝴蝶结UID: 195566

有道理喔,接受接受~~~