argument132【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】第7次作业 bygoingeast

goingeastUID: 2439824

The argument is well-presented,but not thoroughly well-reasoned.By comparison of a store which reduced the workload and a factory which did not ,the argument for reducing workload from 40 to 25 or even 20 hours per week seems logical.

However, the argument is failing to consider other possible causes to the fewer days of sick and satisfaction of the employees .Such alternatives may include the fact that the employees of the store actually are healther than the factory.It is possible that the working condition is better than that in the factory which is seal or wet.In addition ,the argument has failed to consider the sort of work ,the other policies except reducing the workload and the prospects of the two. Perhaps,the sort of work of the factory where the sick is more likely to accur.And there may be many workfares and bonuses in the store.The author is also regardless of prospects of the two which can determine wheather the employees feel satisfied which their store or factory .It is likely that the business of the store is steadly increasing and is one of famous store in the country that everyone wants to work in .

A year is not particular long time to determine the reducing workload has infulenced the days of sick leave .It is mentioned in the argument that the store decreased the days of sick leave is just a coincidence and increased the workfare and the bonus which satisfied the employees.Longer time may be more creditable.Again, the demographics of the population are important.It is possible that the employees of the factory are far more than those of the store.If so,there are more likely that a slight increase in the number of days of sick leave taken..Also in reference to the activities of the population ,It is possible that employees all live in the worker dormitory near the factory and lack of activities that may cause days of sick leave a slight increase .Or maybe the days of sick leave are always increasing all those years except last year,which is not mentioned in the survey.


Overall,the reasoning behind of reducing the workload from 40 to 25 or even 2o hours seems logical as presented above since there other possibilties in terms of the days of sick leave and satisfaction of the store and the factory.However,before the final decision is made that reducing the workload from 40 to 25 ,more causes and factors should be evaluated of the store and factory.

grekokomoUID: 2441677

下次把题目贴上～还有字数，你米有限时？

开头，你的开头我觉得不好，太简单，第一个分句太雷人～

goingeastUID: 2439824

ok，恩 有限时，不过要拖一段时间，
开头，不过还倾向于简洁

grekokomoUID: 2441677

fine～

irvine666UID: 2575525

The argument is well-presented,but not thoroughly well-reasoned.By comparison of a store which reduced the workload and a factory which did not ,the argument for reducing workload from 40 to 25 or even 20 hours per week seems logical.(首段最好能够提出自己的观点而不是简单的复述,如果不是引出的话复述都可以不用的,ETS的老师批了几千份卷子了,不可能不知道题目是什么.我觉得开头就是一个引出自己下面内容的东西.) However, the argument is failing to consider other possible causes to the fewer days of sick and satisfaction of the employees .Such alternatives may include the fact that the employees of the store actually are healther(healthier) than (the ones of)the factory.It is possible that the working condition (in the store) is better than that in the factory which is seal or wet(hermetic or dank).In addition ,the argument has failed to consider the sort of work(这个在这里用的很不好) ,the other policies except reducing the workload and the prospects of the two. Perhaps,the sort of work of the factory where the sick is more likely to accur(能再扩展开一点么?论证很不深入阿).And there may be many workfares and bonuses in the store.The author is also regardless of prospects of the two which can determine wheather(拼写错误应该在word上改掉) the employees feel satisfied which(应该是with吧?而且这句话要说明一个什么意思还是没看懂) their store or factory .It is likely that the business of the store is steadly increasing and is one of famous store in the country that everyone wants to work in (store繁忙,出名,所以应该降低工作时间?所以工人不容易生病? 感觉讲不通阿). (如果是并列,来个Besides, 递进来个Furthermore,实在不行就secondly但是不要不写连接词)A year is not particular long time to determine the reducing workload has infulenced the days of sick leave .It is mentioned in the argument that the store decreased the days of sick leave is just a coincidence and increased the workfare and the bonus(argument有提到这个的?) which satisfied the employees.Longer time may be more creditable.Again, the demographics of the population are important.It is possible that the employees of the factory are far more than those of the store(这句话不对,漏掉了东西).If so,there are more likely that a slight increase in the number of days of sick leave taken(这个taken怎么讲?)..Also in reference to the activities of the population ,It is possible that employees all live in the worker dormitory near the factory and (are) lack of activities that may cause days of sick leave a slight increase .Or maybe the days of sick leave are always increasing all those years except last year,which is not mentioned in the survey.(这一段感觉讲的很混乱,尤其是很多语法和句式问题严重影响了阅读,建议作者把比较级+than句式的省略用法重新复习一遍,很多东西不能省略的被省略了.) Overall,the reasoning behind of(这个可以这么用的?感觉就是中式的说法阿) reducing the workload from 40 to 25 or even 2o hours seems logical as presented above since there other possibilties in terms of the days of sick leave and satisfaction of the store and the factory.However,before the final decision is made that reducing the workload from 40 to 25 ,more causes and factors should be evaluated of the store and factory. 这篇里面,作者的语法问题很严重阿...而且很多拼写错误,影响了作者思维的表达,让读者很难理解每段是在具体批哪一点,而argument最重要的就是make sense 所以建议写完先把拼写和一般的语法问题用word检查一遍再上传,这样可以让读者更加关注于你的思维而不是一些表面的皮毛.