Issue7 我的第一篇一休，谁能帮我看看？

Lyon_TonyUID: 178961

7."The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

   Video camera has become a more popular documentation which is a high-tech product and is the combination of phonograph and photograph. The arguer seems to suggest that the video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records. However, as far as I am concerned, the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance and either of them can take place of the other one.

   Our life has gone through great changes since the video camera came into being, which provides a totally new and different way of recording life to the traditionally methods. In now days, when a family goes for a trip, they always bring a video camera with them with which they can record all the beautiful landscape and record the joyful life of their journey. When they come back home, they can enjoy the attracting landscape and the joyous time again. Additionally, the video camera is a helpful assistant of policeman. The video camera can be installed in bank to record every scene in it and can keep the bank from being robbed. It also can be installed on the road to watch the traffic jam and accident and can return traffic information to its control center. All of these are the advantages that written records cannot fulfill.

   Yet it is rash to say that video camera has already won over traditional written documents and become the new domination of documentation field since video record is limited in several aspects. For instance, the data of the record have to occupy a huge amount of the system memory of the camera. The recording time is limited by the memory of the camera. If the memory is not big enough, the video camera cannot record for a long time. When you transport all the data of the camera to your personal computer, the video data will occupy a big part of the hard-disk space. Take the following figure for example: if the camera records data by the type of AVI, the file time is one hour, then the AVI data have to take up about 1GB of the hard disk space, that means a hard disk of 80GB(commonly used) could only save 80 hours of your journey time! Therefore, the video camera cannot provide a long time record due to its limited time and space.

   By contrast, written documents can provide systematic and in-depth information about a historical subject and event. Take Mark Twain’s works for example, the novels insightfully depict the innermost characteristic of American society. Moreover, written documentation is a much more convenient and low-cost method than video camera. The only thing we need to take a written document is just a pen and a piece of paper, however, we have to take a comparatively more discommodious machine to take video record and we have to recharge it continually.
   
   In summary, we cannot say whether video camera or the written document is more important than the other in that each one has its irreplaceable merits and values. Video camera offers accurate and convincing method of recording which can revive life in before, while traditional written document can provide a more details and convenient record in lower cost. The above-discussed reasons should to a large extent justify my claim that the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance.

小玩UID: 2111777

哼哼……你开始写一休啦？偶还记得你P我的逻辑错误的哈~~要找个机会P回来;P

Lyon_TonyUID: 178961

快Ｐ快Ｐ

Ｐ完请你吃饭～～

runningpiggyUID: 194977

占个座。。。。冲个凉回来看看。。。。。

小玩UID: 2111777

7."The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

   Video camera has become a more popular documentation which is a high-tech product and is the combination of phonograph and photograph. The arguer 典型的阿狗写多了，哈哈 seems to suggest that the video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records.这个在抄题目，不好。我也写不来开头，哎。 However, as far as I am concerned, the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance and either of them can take place of the other one去掉.

   Our life has gone through great changes since the video camera came into being, which provides a totally new and different way of recording life to the traditionally methods. In now days, when a family goes for a trip, they always bring a video camera with them可删 with which they can record all the beautiful landscape and record the joyful life of their journey. When they come back home, they can enjoy the attracting landscape and the joyous time again. Additionally, the video camera is a helpful assistant of policeman. The video camera can be installed in bank to record every scene in it and can keep the bank from being robbed. It also can be installed on the road to watch the traffic jam and accident and can return traffic information to its control center. All of these are the advantages that written records cannot fulfill.论点没错，例子也没错，就给人感觉“浅”了点，平淡……例子太泛，没有把video camera ”convincing”或者”accurate”的特点很好的突出出来，你觉得呢？

   Yet it is rash to say that video camera has already won over traditional written documents and become the new domination of documentation field since video record is limited in several aspects.你说有several aspects, 下面其实只写了一个方面啊？ For instance, the data of the record have to occupy a huge amount of the system memory of the camera. The recording time is limited by the memory of the camera. If the memory is not big enough, the video camera cannot record for a long time. When you transport all the data of the camera to your personal computer, the video data will occupy a big part of the hard-disk space. Take the following figure for example: if the camera records data by the type of AVI, the file time is one hour, then the AVI data have to take up about 1GB of the hard disk space, that means a hard disk of 80GB(commonly used) could only save 80 hours of your journey time! Therefore, the video camera cannot provide a long time record due to its limited time and space. 果然是学CS的……感叹一句

   By contrast, written documents can provide systematic and in-depth information about a historical subject and event. Take Mark Twain’s works for example, the novels insightfully depict the innermost characteristic of American society. Moreover, written documentation is a much more convenient and low-cost method than video camera. The only thing we need to take a written document is just a pen and a piece of paper, however, we have to take a comparatively more discommodious machine to take video record and we have to recharge it continually.
   
   In summary, we cannot say whether video camera or the written document is more important than the other in that each one has its irreplaceable merits and values. Video camera offers accurate and convincing method of recording which can revive life in? before, while traditional written document can provide a more details and convenient record in lower cost. The above-discussed reasons should to a large extent justify my claim that the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance.
从你的总结看，文章的落脚点就是video camera 的 convincing and accurate和 written document 的more details and convenient in lower cost，但正文里面花最多的是video的局限，似乎有点不合理。

看过songwei1765写的这篇，当时印象深刻，可以去参考一下，嘿嘿

PS:请我吃饭~~~???一点都不诚恳啊~~~

runningpiggyUID: 194977

Video camera has become a more popular documentation which is a high-tech product and is the combination of phonograph and photograph.我觉得这里的定语从句提到前面去写成同位语会更好......也就是改成video camera, a high-tech product and is the combination of phonograph and photograph, has become a more popular documentation......至于原因......就是一篇文章里写定语从句机会太多了.......而写同位语机会不多.......为了让自己的文章句式更为丰富......应该这样写......当然.......也可以在同位语里面再加个定语从句....... The arguer seems to suggest that the video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records. However, as far as I am concerned, the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance and either of them can take place of the other one.不错的开头......当然.....我觉得稍显平淡.....

Our life has gone through great changes since the video camera came into being, which provides a totally new and different way of recording life to我觉得这个to似乎有点问题......在前面加个compared楼主觉得如何........ the traditionally用形容词 methods. In now daysnow days没听过......只听过nowadays......., when a family goes for a trip, they always bring a video camera with them这个with them有点多余...... with which they can record all the beautiful landscape and record the joyful life of their journey. When they come back home, they can enjoy the attracting landscape and the joyous time again. Additionally, the video camera is a helpful assistant of policeman用复数...... The video camera can be installed in bank to record every scene in it and can keep the bank from being robbed.不是防盗......而是被盗了之后可以凭录像带找出破案的线索...... It also can be installed on the road to watch the traffic jam and accident and can return traffic information to its control center. All of these are the advantages that written records cannot fulfill.这一段的论证不是特别充分.......楼主的观点是跟文书记载相比.......camera是一种新的和不同的记录生活的方式......新在哪里.......不同在哪里........写的并不充分......写它新......应该是只有最近才出现的而且用的并不是特别广泛才叫新......写它不同.....那就说说camera有什么特点......文书有什么特点.......然后比较一下......举的例子也应该为这个论点所服务.......当然.......两个例子还行......但是具完例子之后要好好的说一下这两个例子说明了什么问题........然后最后来好好的重申一下自己的观点.......另外.........我觉得楼主这一段的观点写得并不太好.......像新和不同这样的概念都太泛泛了......

Yet it is rash to say that video camera has already won over traditional written documents and become the new domination of documentation field since用since的话一般都是在说话人和听话人都知道原因是什么的情况下说的......所以我觉得这里用for或者because比较好...... video record is limited in several aspects. For instance, the data of the record have to occupy a huge amount of the system memory of the camera. 这里加个therefore或者consequently之类的东西楼主觉得怎么样.........我认为这句跟前面的那句明显是因果关系......The recording time is limited by the memory of the camera. If the memory is not big enough, the video camera cannot record for a long time. When you transport all the data of the camera to your personal computer, the video data will occupy a big part of the hard-disk space. Take the following figure for example: if the camera records data by the type of AVI, the file time应该是recording time吧....... is one hour, then the AVI data have to take up about 1GB of the hard disk space, that means a hard disk of 80GB(commonly used) could only save 80 hours of your journey time! Therefore, the video camera cannot provide a long time record due to its limited time and space.这段逻辑上也不太好.....前面明明说了在several aspects有limitations........但是说的时候就说了一个.....是时间不够了么......如果是的话那就关于space的这个方面别说这么长.......还有什么价格比较高难以普及之类的应该好好写一下的........另外的问题就是跟上一段类似的.......举完例子别这么急着结束.......还有好多东西要写的嘛.......

By contrast, written documents can provide systematic and in-depth information about a historical subject and event这里的subject跟event都应该用复数的.....前面的a去掉吧........ Take Mark Twain’s works for example, the novels insightfully depict the innermost characteristic of American society.又一次......没写这例子怎么支撑观点...... Moreover, written documentation is a much more convenient and low-cost method than video camera. The only thing we need to take a written document is just a pen and a piece of paper, however, we have to take a comparatively more discommodious machine to take video record and we have to recharge it continually.我觉得......这里也别老写文书记录的好处吧.......它也有一定的不足的........既然一开始就写中立的观点.......那么无论在哪里都应该体现自己insightful到好处坏处都能看到的目光的.......
   
In summary, we cannot say whether video camera or the written document is more important than the otherone in that each one has its irreplaceable merits and values. Video camera offers accurate and convincing method of recording which can revive life in before, while traditional written document can provide a more detailsdetailed吧....... and convenient record in a lower cost. The above-discussed reasons should to a large extent justify my claim that the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance.最后这句没必要写.......你写的东西能不能说明自己的观点不是自己来评判的.......


总的来说.......楼主很大的一个问题在于观点不够突出.........写issue不想在这上面出问题的话应该在每个论述段都一上来就写好自己的观点是什么.......然后后面说的东西完全是对着那个观点去的.........另外就是例子后面缺乏论述的问题.......至于语言方面问题不太大.......行文挺流畅的.......当然......还是有提高的空间.......因为没看到什么impressive的句子........语法问题也不多........再注意一下就好.......

第一篇写成这样已经很不错了.........期待楼主下一篇能有提高........加油..........

Lyon_TonyUID: 178961

谢两位高人指点

jlflyingUID: 207733

7."The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

   Video camera has become a more popular documentation which is a high-tech product and is the combination of phonograph and photograph. The arguer [改为较好：speaker] seems to suggest that the video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records. However, as far as I am concerned, the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance and either/neither/ of them can take place of the other one.

   Our life has gone through great changes since the video camera came into being, which provides a totally new and different way of recording life to the traditionally methods. In now days /Nowadays/, when a family goes for a trip, they always bring a video camera with them with which they can record all the beautiful landscape and record /omit record/the joyful life /time/ of their journey. When they come back home, they can enjoy the attracting landscape and the joyous time again. Additionally, the video camera is a helpful assistant of policeman. The video camera can be installed in bank to record every scene in it and can keep the bank from being robbed/provide, to a great extent, high security/. It also can be installed on the road to watch the traffic /suitions,including jam and accident,/ and can return /betimes/ traffic information to its control center,/which are greatly useful for the traffic management./ All of these are the advantages that written records cannot fulfill/carry out/ (fufill is vt).

   Yet it is rash to say that video camera has already won over traditional written documents and become the new domination of documentation field since video record is limited in several aspects. For instance, the data of the record have to occupy a huge amount of the system memory of the camera. The recording time is limited by the memory of the camera. If the memory is not big enough, the video camera cannot record for a long time. When you transport all the data of the camera to your personal computer, the video data will occupy a big part of the hard-disk space. Take the following figure for example: if the camera records data by the type of AVI, /and/ the file time is one hour, then the AVI data have to take up about 1GB of the hard disk space, that/which/ means a hard disk of 80GB(commonly used) could only save 80 hours of your journey time! Therefore, the video camera cannot provide a long time record due to its limited time and space.

   By contrast, written documents can provide systematic and in-depth information about a historical subject and event. Take Mark Twain’s works for example, the novels insightfully depict the innermost characteristic of American society. Moreover, written documentation is a much more convenient and low-cost method than video camera. The only thing we need to take a written document is just a pen and a piece of paper, however,[/个人认为，while比较好/] we have to take a comparatively more discommodious machine to take video record and we have to recharge it continually.
   
   In summary, we cannot say whether video camera or the written document is more important than the other in that each one has its irreplaceable merits and values. Video camera offers accurate and convincing method of recording which can revive life in before, while traditional written document can provide a more details and convenient record in lower cost. The above-discussed reasons should to a large extent justify my claim that the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance.
[我们应该回头再看看题目,根据accurate and convincing我觉得在举例说明video camera 的时候，应该围绕着个观点进行例证；而在用written documentation反驳时也尽量靠近这个方面。]

[ Last edited by jlflying on 2005-7-2 at 10:09 ]

jlflyingUID: 207733

我是用精华版里推荐的ultraedit，然后复制粘贴，但颜色粘贴过来的？
你们怎么弄得哦？
所以上面的修改，我有些颜色就没改了，楼主只能将就了。

cssUID: 173612

Video camera has become a more popular documentation which is a high-tech product and is the combination of phonograph and photograph. （我觉得这个and并列的句子挺别扭，而且is用来定义的话应该写在前面，建议改成 Video camera, which is a high-tech product and the combination of phonograph and photograph, has become a more popular documentation ）The arguer （快改成speaker） seems to suggest that the video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records. However, as far as I am concerned, the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance （改成 the video camera is as important as the written documents 虽然没有equivalent importance，可原句表达怪怪的;P）and either of them can take place of the other one.

   Our life has gone through great changes since the video camera came into being, which provides a totally new and different way of recording life to the traditionally （变adj） methods. In now days, （有这个用法？直接写nowadays如何）　 when a family goes for a trip, they always bring a video camera with them with which they can record all the beautiful landscape and record the joyful life of their journey（直接写joyful journey好了，joyful life 跟旅途搭配吗？）. When they come back home, they can enjoy the attracting landscape and the joyous time again. Additionally, the video camera is a helpful assistant of policeman. The video camera can be installed in bank to record every scene in it and can keep the bank from being robbed. It also can be installed on the road to watch the traffic jam and accident and can return traffic information to its control center. All of these are the advantages that written records cannot fulfill. 例子没问题，可偶觉得例子好像TWE的不像ISSUE的，应该多写写更有普遍性的情况，或者再概括分析一下

   Yet it is rash to say （让步的好）that video camera has already won over traditional written documents and become the new domination of documentation field since video record is limited in several aspects. For instance, the data of the record have to occupy a huge amount of the system memory of the camera. The recording time is limited by the memory of the camera. If the memory is not big enough, the video camera cannot record for a long time. When you transport all the data of the camera to your personal computer, the video data will occupy a big part of the hard-disk space. Take the following figure for example: if the camera records data by the type of AVI, the file time is one hour, then the AVI data have to take up about 1GB of the hard disk space, that means a hard disk of 80GB(commonly used) could only save 80 hours of your journey time! Therefore, the video camera cannot provide a long time record due to its limited time and space.（我怎么有点晕，为什么变成camera内部存储格式秀？而且，不知算不算鸡蛋里挑骨头，camera存储量是大，但没有考虑跟纸比时，有纸没有的优点：纸不能存动态的，当然占的少　）

   By contrast, written documents can provide systematic and in-depth information about a historical subject and event.（这样子，那上段略写camera数据量大就可以了） Take Mark Twain’s works for example, the novels insightfully depict the innermost characteristic of American society.（为什么是mark twain，写小说家不是更普遍吗？）Moreover, written documentation is a much more convenient and low-cost method than video camera. The only thing we need to take a written document is just a pen and a piece of paper, however, we have to take a comparatively more discommodious machine to take video record and we have to recharge it continually.
   
   In summary, we cannot say whether video camera or the written document is more important than the other in that each one has its irreplaceable merits and values. Video camera offers accurate and convincing method of recording which can revive life in before, while traditional written document can provide a more details and convenient record in lower cost.（不错的结尾！） The above-discussed reasons should to a large extent justify my claim that the video camera and the written documents have the equivalent importance（结尾再简练点就更好了）

Lyon_TonyUID: 178961

哇~~

又有人拍了

多谢多谢！