issue154感谢各位兄弟姐妹修改指正！

meilinUID: 2169936

Issue154 both parents and communities must be involved in local schools.Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators.

Outline:
1.        parents and communities的参与对于良好的教育不可或却。
2.        同时教育者的作用也不能被忽视
3.        两者的协调，监督，合作

The enterprise of education has long been acknowledged as the driving force for sound and sustained social development, simply because it shoulders the responsibility of cultivating the future backbone of our society. Viewed from this perspective, the involvement of both educators and non-educators in this meaningful project is requisite and deserve our equal attention

Parents’ role in education can be compared to that of catalyst in chemical reaction. It is conspicuous that students are imparted with academic principles and rules in various disciplines. However, according to the educational experts, only a limited percentage of knowledge informed in classrooms are truly assimilated and mastered by students themselves. Most of the knowledge is converted into competence and skills through completing homework in students’ extracurricular periods, especially the time spent at home. Under such a circumstance, the supervision of parents and the atmosphere of communities will act as crucial factors in catalyzing the students’ assimilation of knowledge. Especially when the students are teenagers, lacking of self-discipline and full of passions, they will be easily distracted by cartoons, electronic games and other interesting things. As a result, under the supervision and encouragement of the parents, they will take the initiative to absorb the knowledge informed in classroom through finishing homework. Furthermore, some virtues, such as diligence, persistence instilled into their little minds at home, primarily through telling them some folktales by parents will, in a sense, arouse their enthusiasm and determination to finish the academic projects.

Communities’ values and atmosphere will also exert an effect on children’s education. If a community holds intellectuals in esteem and earnestly dedicates itself to the improvement of the residents’ educational level, as well as the increase of the rate of literacy among local people. The kids will unconsciously think high of education and the acquirement of knowledge; meanwhile, they will set a higher goal in their mind to be a strait A students. Therefore, sound community values and desirable atmosphere will conduce to the education of children.

However, although education can not be fulfilled wholly by professional educators, their contribution should not be thus de-emphasized. It is the professional educator who serves as a guider leading the naive children to step on the journey to explore the unknown world. It is the professional educator who helps to remove the stumbling stones in our path to clarify the truth. Although they can not ensure whether all the knowledge conferred on the students could be fully mastered, yet without their patient inculcation, our frozen innocent mind will never be melted by the warmth of knowledge. Furthermore, learning skills is to knowledge what fishing techniques to fish, the learning skills that educators grant us is wholesome to our lifetime study. With these skills, we are able to find the most suitable and effective way to procure and absorb knowledge, even when we step out of campus into society. As a result, educators serve the key function in the fulfilment of education.

It is well-reasoned to coordinate the roles of both non-educators and educators in the education of population. There is no denying the fact that educators are the major parts in the huge machine of education. Non-educators hereby are the lubricant facilitating the realization of the final aim of education, which is equipping people with life-surviving skills. Meanwhile, Non-educators, mainly communities and parents, supervise and ensure the proper function of school education. In other words, they make sure that educators are fully engaged in the enterprise of education, rather than distracted by some outside business activities.

In my final analysis, the concerted efforts of both educators and non-educators, mainly communities and parents, will contribute to the virtuous development of education.

hchoUID: 204567

The enterprise of education has long been acknowledged as the driving force [是有这个说法，但我觉得直接用impulse更好] for sound and sustained social development, simply because it shoulders the responsibility of cultivating the future backbone [加个成分吧，cultivating students as the future backbone] of our society. Viewed from this perspective, the involvement of both educators and non-educators in this meaningful project is requisite and deserve our equal attention [由教育的重要性推出各界人士的参与，这个切入点是非常不错的]

Parents’ role in education can be compared to [is analogous to] that of catalyst in chemical reaction. It is conspicuous that students are imparted with academic principles and rules in various disciplines. However, according to the educational experts, only a limited percentage of knowledge informed in classrooms are truly assimilated and mastered by students themselves. Most of the knowledge is converted into competence and skills [digested] through completing homework in students’ extracurricular periods, especially the time spent at home. Under such a circumstance, the supervision of parents and （the atmosphere of） [删] communities will act as crucial factors in catalyzing the students’ assimilation of knowledge. / [分论点一提出，课外辅导和监督完成作业] Especially when the students are teenagers, lacking of self-discipline （and full of passions）[删], they will be easily distracted by cartoons, electronic games and other interesting things. As a result [此处与上处有因果关系么？], under the supervision and encouragement of the parents, they will take the initiative to absorb the knowledge informed in classroom through finishing homework. Furthermore, some virtues, such as diligence, persistence [persistently] instilled into their little minds at home, primarily through telling them some folktales by parents will, in a sense, arouse their enthusiasm and determination to finish the academic projects. [父母的两大作用，监督和精神鼓励, 论证的还是很不错的，主要注意两个方面，1. 家长在这两方面作用是要着重强调的，2. 因为你强调的是家长的作用，我觉得两个句子的主语用家长比较好，突出重点]

Communities’ values and atmosphere [atmosphere拿不准] will also exert an effect on children’s education. If a community holds intellectuals in esteem and earnestly dedicates itself to the improvement of the residents’ educational level, as well as the increase of the rate of literacy among local people. The kids will unconsciously think high of education and the acquirement of knowledge; meanwhile, they will set a higher goal in their mind to be a strait A students. Therefore, sound community values and desirable atmosphere will conduce to the education of children. [觉得切入点不是很好，1. 如果你要从社会团体鼓舞学生劲头处理，最好举一个实际的例子，比如身边的一个瞎编的读书会什么的例子。2. 我觉得其他方面论证可能更好，比如社团组织活动，丰富学生生活，例如环保教育等等]

However, although education can not be fulfilled wholly [merely] by professional educators, their contribution should not be thus de-emphasized. It is the professional educator who serves as a guider leading the naive children to step on [set off for a journey] the journey to explore the unknown world. It is the professional educator who helps to remove the stumbling stones in our path to clarify the truth. Although they can not ensure whether all the knowledge conferred on [instilled into] the students could be fully mastered, yet [前面有although了,后面还要yet么？] without their patient inculcation, our frozen innocent mind will never be melted by the warmth of knowledge. / Furthermore, learning skills is to knowledge what fishing techniques to fish, （the） learning skills that educators grant us is [are] wholesome to our lifetime study. With these skills, we are able to find the most suitable and effective way to procure and absorb knowledge, even when we step out of campus into society. As a result [For this reason], educators serve the key function in the fulfilment of education. [educator 的作用：指导性和技能培养，非常有文采的一段，如果对这两个部分再强调一下就更好了。Educator的作用我觉得还可以有一个补充，他们掌握专业和系统的教育知识，在传授学生完整系统的知识体系，更科学有效的教育教学方面都有优势]

It is well-reasoned to coordinate the roles of both non-educators and educators in the education of population [in children’s education]. There is no denying the fact that educators are the major parts in the huge machine of education. Non-educators hereby [hereby的语气很强啊，好象只能用在正式文件或声明中吧，GRE和TOEFL中的誓词有这个词] are the lubricant facilitating the realization of the final aim of education, which is equipping people with life-surviving skills. Meanwhile, （Non）-educators, mainly communities and parents, supervise and ensure the proper function of school education. In other words, they make sure that educators are fully engaged in the enterprise of education, rather than distracted by some outside business activities.

In my final analysis, the concerted efforts of both educators and non-educators, mainly communities and parents, will contribute to the virtuous development of education.

总的来看这篇文章语言上非常华丽，论证和结构不存在大的问题，只是有些地方可能需要注意：
1. 各段之间的联系，觉得这点在这篇文章中有些欠缺，比如第四段和第三段，第四段开头如果说父母社团作用很重要，教育家的作用更重要就既有对比又有衔接了。第五段和第四段之间也有唐突。
2. 形式是为内容服务的，我们要选用什么样的句式取决于我们要强调什么，在文章中有几处应该强调的地方没强调出来，换个句式就好多了。
3. 文章用了大量比喻，文采非常好，但给你提个醒，无论是什么写作手法，只有有助于你的逻辑和论证才有用，否则会适得其反，比如第四段对教育家作为指导者的比喻，我就觉得你没有把教育家的优越性，为什么需要他们，他们在那些方面具体指导的说清楚。还有父母和催化剂的比喻，他们在那有相似点，为什么，都要点名。修辞确实让文章亮了起来，但一定要慎用。

rabbitvvUID: 2115592

The enterprise of education has long been acknowledged as the driving force for sound and sustained social development, simply because it shoulders the responsibility of cultivating the future backbone of our society. Viewed from this perspective, the involvement of both educators and non-educators这么写很不错 in this meaningful project is requisite and deserve our equal attention

Parents’ role in education can be compared to that of catalyst in chemical reaction. It is conspicuous that students are imparted with academic principles and rules in various disciplines. However, according to the 这里用the 不好吧，对于第一次出现的名词， 用some好了educational experts, only a limited percentage of knowledge informed in classrooms are truly assimilated and mastered by students themselves. Most of the knowledge iscan be converted into competence and skills through completing homework in students’ extracurricular periods, especially the time spent at home. Under such a circumstance, the supervision of parents and （the atmosphere of）不要 communities will act as crucial factors in catalyzing the students’ assimilation of knowledge. Especially when the students are teenagers, lacking of self-discipline and full of passions curiousness, they will be easily distracted by cartoons, electronic games and other interesting things. （As a result）用得不妥。换成Thus, 然后后面那句改成Only引导的倒装句, under the supervision and encouragement of the parents, they will take the initiative to absorb the knowledge informed in classroom through finishing homework. Furthermore, some virtues, such as diligence, persistence用副词 instilled into their little minds at home, primarily through telling them some folktales by parents will, in a sense, arouse their enthusiasm and determination to finish the academic projects.最后一个句子有点过长，插入语太多
第一段讲了家长的作用，其实就是主要涉及了一个作用，就是监督小孩做作业。最后一句话提到了另外一个作用，大概是品德方面的教化吧，说得有点仓促简略了。可以适当平衡一下

Communities’ values and atmosphereatmosphere涵义比较模糊 will also exert an effect on children’s education. If a community holds intellectuals in esteem and earnestly dedicates itself to the improvement of the residents’ educational level, as well as the increase of the rate of literacy among local people. The kids will unconsciously think high of education and the acquirement of knowledge; meanwhile, they will set a higher goal in their mind to be a strait A students. Therefore, sound community values and desirable atmosphere will conduce to the education of children.
这一段讲社会价值观影响教育的问题。谈得太过简单。需要论证得更丰厚一点。

However, although education can not be fulfilled wholly by professional educators,前面半句意思不对。因为你前文没有提到过正规教育，而是提了其他两种教育途径。所以应该改为，虽然家长和社会能在教育上施加如何如何重要的作用和影响，但是正规教育的作用不容忽视 their contribution should not be thus de-emphasized. It is the professional educator who serves as a guider leading the naive children to (step on)斟酌一下 the journey to explore the unknown world. It is the professional educator who helps to remove the stumbling stones in our path to clarify the truth. Although they can not ensure whether all the knowledge (conferred on)用这个搭配knowledge有点奇怪的 the students could be fully mastered, (yet)去掉 without their patient inculcation, our frozen innocent mind will never be melted by the warmth of knowledge. 前面的修辞很漂亮的 Furthermore, (learning skills is to knowledge what fishing techniques to fish)前面那句没有看懂, the learning skills that educators grant us is arewholesome to our lifetime study. With these skills, we are able to find the most suitable and effective way to procure and absorb knowledge, even when we step out of campus into society. As a result, educators serve the key function in the fulfillmentfulfillment of education.
It is well-reasoned to coordinate the roles of both non-educators and educators in the education of populationchildren There is no denying the fact that educators are the major parts in the huge machine of education. Non-educators (hereby)去掉吧 are the lubricant facilitating the realization of the final aim of education, which is equipping people with life-surviving skills. Meanwhile, Non-educators, mainly communities and parents, supervise and ensure the proper function of school education. In other words, they make sure that educators are fully engaged in the enterprise of education, rather than distracted by some outside business activities.

In my final analysis, the concerted efforts of both educators and non-educators, mainly communities and parents, will contribute to the virtuous development of education.

层次很清楚的。从家长和社会的作用，到学校的作用，再到必须综合考虑。 考虑得面面俱到了。但是仔细审视一下，每一个方面谈到的内容不够深，很多措辞用句很漂亮，但是谈得还是很空很浅的东西。我的一个小小的建议是，段落不用太多，但每一段要谈透。而且要注意段与段之间的平衡。从你的BODY1到body2就有一个很明显的落差。
当然，批得不对的地方多多包涵、

SelinaHouLeiUID: 2177666

都是高手拍的砖，不敢造次，哈哈哈~~~

怀着学习的心情来踩个小脚印~~