argument76同主题作业,请大家帮忙修改

aimei2005UID: 2119194

Argument76------The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.7
"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."


作文：
The argument appears plausible, at the first glance, however, strict examination reveal that it is unconvincing. That is to say, Luxess isn’t surely truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin. There exist several reasons.
First, do the volunteers have enough efficient presentation, how are the volunteered selected, their age and gender isn’t mentioned, where does the volunteers come from? Are they come from students, teachers, farmers or athletes or else. The article doesn’t mention. For example, if the volunteers are all Luxess’s staff, to make profit, they will certainly say the new Luxess is very effective.
Second, since the volunteers washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess, how can tell that the improving is own to the new Luxess face cream but not to the mild soap. Furthermore, the experiment only do for a month, how can we tell the effect after a month?  Where does the experiment, the article doesn’t mention, if people leave land to live nearby the sea or leave equation area to mild temperature area such as Hangzhou, their condition of facial skin can improved naturally.
Third, the conclusion is very ambiguous; there isn’t any objective thing. What calls a marked improvement? The people’s looking or feeling is very different. There are no standards.
In conclusion, the argument is unacceptable as it stands. To strengthen the argument, the author would have do demonstrate more data for the affection after people used the new Luxess face cream. And the experiment has obvious false. To better evaluate the argument, the author must have long time and wide range pursuit the effect of the new Luxess face cream.

azleaUID: 192456

大概看了一下，首先字数好像不太够，不知道是不是因为限时而没有充分展开，不过我觉得如果是一开始写的话，没必要开始就限时。另外一个问题是还有很多小错误，语法上的，连标点还有错，我想你还应该先自己看一遍吧？
总体而言，用词还需要加强，句子结构最好也能多写一点长句子，而不一定要那么多问句。几个批判点我觉得找得还挺不错的，就是论证在充分一点就好了。给个建议，多看一点范文和别人的文章，从别人那里多学一点东西，我自己觉得还是挺有用的。
嗬嗬，没说多少好话，其实我也是才开始写作文，我的观点仅供参考了:) 不过，以后多多练习，一定没问题的！加油！

freeskyflyingUID: 196789

其实Argument很讲模式化的，我最近全在狂写issue，Argument好久没写了。不过考试之前一定要看全argu的提纲，心中有数很有用的。避免考场上一紧张久忘了攻击点了。我29号考试，一起加油！还有很多不足啊，例子还要收集一些。苦恼中！