Issue207 欢迎大家排钻(diamond^_^),不甚感激!

hustzwjUID：203387

----题目----
Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are.
----正文-----
    I totally agree with the speaker that rituals and ceremonies could help define a culture which is unique in human’s thousands of years of development in the history. However, the speaker ignores other alternative aspects which could help or even exclusively define a culture. Besides, since most people could feel safe or honored as one member of a group or society, they are more inclined to try their best to protect or even make their own culture known to other races around.
    Firstly, we could not deny that rituals and ceremonies, if existed, serve as the symbols of one’s special culture comparing to other ones. That is to say, rituals and ceremonies held by people could help them to express what they regard as the essence of nature or themselves sometimes. For example, the Native Americans, until now, stick tenaciously to their own distinct rituals and ceremonies partly not to be assimilated by the European settlers. These rituals, to some extent, stand for their experience in the past thousands of years. There is also another example which could aptly illustrate this idea. The Jewish people have different perspective about the day and night. In their minds, they think the dark starts before the light because light was stolen from the God and the world originally was dark. This idea is much distinct from other cultures. Therefore, they express their thoughts about this through the ceremony called Rosh Chodesh celebration which is even kept until now.
    On the other hand, the rituals and ceremonies are not the only ones through which the culture was defined. In this highly industrialized world, fast developed technologies like Internet and facile transportation now make it not a myth to integrate the world to one village. People from different races now have more opportunities to contact or understand other cultures and be more inclined to absorb other culture’s essence. Sometimes, even the different languages pale to impede people’ communication. However, there are intrinsic aspects like people’s accent, character, skin color and so on which could not be easily changed and these factors stand more convincingly for one culture. For example, the famous singer and king of dancer Michael Jackson once made a surgery to change his skin color for better figure and higher profits could not demonstrate that he also changed his character or accent or even religion which might be distinct to his own original culture.
     Thirdly, people living abroad are inevitable to face the dilemma that whether to keep their own culture or not especially when two cultures are conflicted. In fact, mostly people would choose to keep the essence of their own culture so as not to have a diminished sense of who they are. At the same time, they could lead a better life when partly melting into other cultures. For instance, many Asian descendants in the United States spontaneously organized bodies where they could together enjoy their own culture even in foreign countries and share their experiences. Besides, they worked sometimes in different companies or institutions respectively and get along well with their colleagues who come from different cultures.
      In sum, there is not only rituals and ceremonies which could help define a culture but also many other aspects. Also, people are more willing to keep their own special culture which identifies themselves as their own.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-22 at 12:26 ]

nickaaronleeUID：183378

I totally agree with the speaker that rituals and ceremonies could help define a culture which is unique in human’s thousands of years of development in the history. However, the speaker ignores other alternative aspects which could help or even exclusively define a culture. Besides, since most people could feel safe or honored as one member of a group or society, they are more inclined to try their best to protect or even make their own culture known to other races around.
    Firstly, we could not deny that rituals and ceremonies, if existed, serve as the symbols of one’s special culture comparing to other ones. That is to say, rituals and ceremonies held by people could help them to express what they regard as the essence of nature or themselves sometimes. For example, the Native Americans, until now, stick tenaciously to their own distinct rituals and ceremonies partly not to be assimilated by the European settlers. These rituals, to some extent, stand for their experience in the past thousands of years. There is also another example which could aptly illustrate this idea. The Jewish people have different perspective about the day and night. In their minds, they think the dark starts before the light because light was stolen from the God and the world originally was dark. This idea is much distinct from other cultures. Therefore, they express their thoughts about this through the ceremony called Rosh Chodesh celebration which is even kept until now. 两个例子举得蛮好的，都挺到位
    On the other hand, the rituals and ceremonies are not the only ones through which the culture was defined. In this highly industrialized world, fast developed technologies like Internet and facile transportation now make it not a myth to integrate the world to one village. People from different races now have more opportunities to contact or understand other cultures and be more inclined to absorb other culture’s essence. Sometimes, even the different languages pale to impede people’ communication. However, there are intrinsic aspects like people’s accent, character, skin color and so on which could not be easily changed and these factors stand more convincingly for one culture. For example, the famous singer and king of dancer Michael Jackson once made a surgery to change his skin color for better figure and higher profits could not demonstrate that he also changed his character or accent or even religion which might be distinct to his own original culture.我觉得你这段的分析没有服务ts，不是很明确你要说明的问题
     Thirdly, people living abroad are inevitable to face the dilemma that whether to keep their own culture or not especially when two cultures are conflicted. In fact, mostly people would choose to keep the essence of their own culture so as not to have a diminished sense of who they are. At the same time, they could lead a better life when partly melting into other cultures. For instance, many Asian descendants in the United States spontaneously organized bodies where they could together enjoy their own culture even in foreign countries and share their experiences. Besides, they worked sometimes in different companies or institutions respectively and get along well with their colleagues who come from different cultures. ts不明确，从你分析的内容来看，你应该再ts强调societies or groups of people 没有 a diminished sense of who they are.

      In sum, there is not only rituals and ceremonies which could help define a culture but also many other aspects. Also, people are more willing to keep their own special culture which identifies themselves as their own.
总的来说写得蛮好的，ts上再注意一下，加油~~~我拍你，也拍一下我吧：

hustzwjUID：203387

多谢!一定回拍!!刚去吃饭了!现在开始!呵呵!

skaterUID：2116878

I totally agree with the speaker that rituals and ceremonies could help define a culture which is unique in human’s（说实话，我对这种单词的单复数的使用总是不太有把握， 所以这个HUMAN‘S 到底对不对我也不知道） thousands of years of development in the history. However, the speaker ignores other alternative aspects which could help or even exclusively define a culture. Besides, since most people could feel safe or honored as one member of a group or society, they are more inclined to try their best to protect or even make their own culture known to other races around.  （这段第一句很好， 态度明确， 但我不明白那个UNIQUE的意思。你是要形容一个“独特的”CULTURE？DISTINCT就可以。UNIQUE好象显得很与众不同，尽管我明白你的意思。。。HOWEVER之后那句话好象有点没必要，我知道这应该对应着一个论点，但我看斑竹给出题目似的分析，说因为原文给的就是HELP，所以已经有考虑其他DEFINE 的文化因素了，他也建议最好对第一部分持肯定的态度。当然，这不是ARGUE，没必要总是批驳，你的论点也可以， 只要你言之成理。还有，第三句好像没有按我想象（OR ETS）的顺序，提出自己对后半部分的论点， 不知道PROTECT OR MAKE THEIR OWN CULTURE KNOWN TO OTHER RACES AROUND与SENSE OF WHO THEY ARE 有什么关系？OK ，LET’S GO ON ！）   
Firstly, we could not deny that rituals and ceremonies, if existed, serve as the symbols of one’s special culture comparing to other ones. （觉得这个COMPARING TO OTHERS，有点问题，有点太绝对化了，而且你下面只论证了AS THE SYMBOL，并没有论证与其他文化因素的比较问题，注意哟，绝对化容易出问题）That is to say, rituals and ceremonies held by people could help them to express what they regard as the essence of nature or themselves sometimes. For example, the Native Americans, until now, stick tenaciously to their own distinct rituals and ceremonies partly not to be assimilated by the European settlers.（呵呵，参考老外280篇的吧） These rituals, to some extent, stand for their experience（为什么是EXPERIENCE？大部分文章把人们长期坚持的RITUAL看作是信仰的体现，也许你有你的理由，但应该论述清楚再举下个例子） in the past thousands of years. There is also another example which could aptly （赞） illustrate this idea. The Jewish people （呵呵，又一个280 篇） have different perspective about the day and night. In their minds, they think the dark starts before the light because light was stolen from the God and the world originally was dark. This idea is much distinct from other cultures. Therefore, they express their thoughts about this through the ceremony called Rosh Chodesh celebration which is even kept until now. （第二个例子只说明了犹太人有这样一种观念，有这样一种CEREMONY，可你有没有说明这个CEREMONY 是怎么作为他们文化的SYMBOL 而且COMPARING THE OTHERS 呢？ ）（整个这个段落论证了RITUAL AND CEREMONY 是文化的SYMBOL，如上所述，作者本身就没有说RITUAL 定义了文化，而仅仅是HELP！！而你已经把它当成了一个绝对话的命题，对吧？这一段先论述了是SYMBOL，下一段又论述了不是ONLY WAY。。其实你只要说明你是否同意HELP了就可以，没必要把命题本身搞的很复杂， 用于例证的语言反而显得论证不足）
    On the other hand, the rituals and ceremonies are not the only ones（ I THINK IT‘S  WAYS？） through which the culture was defined. In this highly industrialized world, fast developed technologies like Internet and facile transportation now make it not a myth to integrate the world to one village. People from different races now have more opportunities to contact or understand other cultures and be more inclined to absorb other culture’s essence.（我认为这一句话完全没必要，这句用于证明现在的全球一体话， 但你的文章不是论证一体化的问题的， 是要通过一体化的事实证明你的论点的，所以把一体化的事实摆出来就好，不用证明）（或者你可以在PEOPLE 前加“THAT ENABLE”就都成了你的摆明事实，我觉得根据下面的论证，这样更好） Sometimes, even the different languages pale to impede people’ communication.（这句有什么用？EVEN的意思？你前面给出了一体化 的事实，为什么说“有时侯，甚至不同的语言都能妨碍人们的交流”？1，没必要论证一体化的事实；2，即使论证也证反了） However, there are intrinsic aspects like people’s accent, character, skin color and so on which could not be easily changed and these factors stand more convincingly（呵呵，这又说MORE CONVINCINGLY 了，那前面的COMPARING TO OTHERS呢？我知道这个MORE是和LANGUAGE相比较，但全文的主题是RITUAL，别人不会理解为是LANGUAGE，只会认为你自相矛盾。） for one culture. For example, the famous singer and king of dancer Michael Jackson once made a surgery to change his skin color for better figure and higher profits（，BUT，THAT） could not demonstrate that he also changed his character or accent or even religion which might be distinct to his own original culture.（这一段完全没有提到RITUAL 的问题啊。你是要证明还有其他因素DISTINCT CULTURE，但原文本身就不绝对，如上所述。所以这样一段如果不把它与RITUAL HELP DEFINE结合来看并比较，是完全没有必要论述的。你上一段已经承认了HELP DEFINE 的事实。）     Thirdly, people living abroad are inevitable to face the dilemma that whether to keep their own culture or not especially when two cultures are conflicted. In fact, mostly people would choose to keep the essence of their own culture so as not to have a diminished sense of who they are. At the same time, they could lead a better life when partly melting into other cultures. For instance, many Asian descendants in the United States spontaneously organized bodies where they could together enjoy their own culture even in foreign countries and share their experiences. Besides, they worked sometimes in different companies or institutions respectively and get along well with their colleagues who come from different cultures. （这首先问题严重，注意原题“WITHOUT THEM”！！！，你这段究竟有没有说到RITUAL ？又有没有说到SENSE WHO THEY ARE 的问题？这样论述好象是在论述面临文化碰撞时的选择问题，完全跑题！动大手术吧！ 还有动手术时注意充分展开，你几乎把前半个命题分成矛盾对立双方来论证，而其实好多没必要。而后半个命题实在太短（即使是在切题的情况下），还是根据斑竹的提示（其实他的提示正符合我审题完的想法），后半个命题才有可以大笔论述的可能））   
  In sum, there is not only rituals and ceremonies which could help define a culture but also many other aspects. Also, people are more willing to keep their own special culture which identifies themselves as their own.（恩，明显看出后半个命题就是跑题了。 注意“WITHOUT THEM 的前提。还有结尾太虎头蛇尾了。如果你是限时的话，建议把文章修改完整了再拿给网友们修改。我们希望能真正有效的指出你自己发现不了的地方）

skaterUID：2116878

Originally posted by skater at 2005-7-22 19:25
I totally agree with the speaker that rituals and ceremonies could help define a culture which is unique in human’s（说实话，我对这种单词的单复数的使用总是不太有把握， 所以这个HUMAN‘ ...

:L累死了，整个帖子像草坪。。。。

skaterUID：2116878

Originally posted by skater at 2005-7-22 19:28

:L累死了，整个帖子像草坪。。。。

我觉得我改的最认真了:o

hustzwjUID：203387

十分感谢, 我会认真看的!^_^
真像草坪?那我要再接再厉了!!
虚心听取意见!!

hustzwjUID：203387

就是看这种态度互改委也得给发奖啊!

hustzwjUID：203387

For example, the Native Americans, until now, stick tenaciously to their own distinct rituals and ceremonies partly not to be assimilated by the European settlers.（呵呵，参考老外280篇的吧）

:O这都被你看出来了!你要是ETS考官,那我不是正好装上了吗??
^_^

skaterUID：2116878

Originally posted by hustzwj at 2005-7-22 20:33
就是看这种态度互改委也得给发奖啊!

多谢支持，呵呵。我的意见主要是我自己的看法。刚才回去又看了一眼老外280 ，他那个表述就比较不普通。我们可以用他的例子，但最好能表述的像人家一样清楚

hustzwjUID：203387

The Jewish people （呵呵，又一个280 篇）

这个绝对是我自己在网上找得!:mad:不过偶承认上面的European settler是的!:(

hustzwjUID：203387

（第二个例子只说明了犹太人有这样一种观念，有这样一种CEREMONY，可你有没有说明这个CEREMONY 是怎么作为他们文化的SYMBOL 而且COMPARING THE OTHERS 呢？ ）（整个这个段落论证了RITUAL AND CEREMONY 是文化的SYMBOL，如上所述，作者本身就没有说RITUAL 定义了文化，而仅仅是HELP！！而你已经把它当成了一个绝对话的命题，对吧？这一段先论述了是SYMBOL，下一段又论述了不是ONLY WAY。。其实你只要说明你是否同意HELP了就可以，没必要把命题本身搞的很复杂， 用于例证的语言反而显得论证不足）

仔细想过后,的确是这样.虽然写的时候思路是这样的,但是还是写偏了.
主要有两大罪状:
1)symbol是多余的!
2)在第一段仅需讨论help define即可!没有必要谈comparing to other cultures!
:victory:

hustzwjUID：203387

如果你是限时的话，建议把文章修改完整了再拿给网友们修改。我们希望能真正有效的指出你自己发现不了的地方）

下次一定注意!:L

hustzwjUID：203387

对原来的文章动了大手术.归根结底是没有仔细审题. 一招不慎,满盘 皆输啊!
在此也感谢skater的指正!^_^
----题目----
Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are.
----正文-----
    I totally agree with the speaker that rituals and ceremonies could help define a culture which is distinct in human’s thousands of years of development in the history. However, many ceremonies have the tendency to be merged in the extremely big wave of modern people’s fast pace lives if they themselves are not efficient enough.
    Firstly, we could not deny that rituals and ceremonies, if existed, could to some extent define one culture. That is to say, rituals and ceremonies held by people could help them to express what they regard as the essence of nature or themselves sometimes. There is one example which could aptly illustrate this idea. The Jewish people have different perspective about the day and night. In their minds, they think the dark starts before the light because light was stolen from the God and the world originally was dark. This idea is much distinct from other cultures. Therefore, they seek to express their thoughts about this through the ceremony called Rosh Chodesh celebration which is even kept until now. This ceremony is part of their culture.
    On the other hand, in this highly industrialized world, fast developed technologies like Internet and facile transportation now enable people from different races have more opportunities to contact or understand other cultures and be more inclined to absorb other culture’s essence. Therefore, people are facing the danger of gradually being assimilated by other cultures and loosing their own one. If this is true, they would have diminished sense of who they are. On the contrary, some Native Americans in big melting-pots of United States, until now, stick tenaciously to their own distinct rituals and ceremonies partly not to be assimilated so as to keep of feel of who they are.(反面论证观点)
     Thirdly, people living abroad are inevitable to face the dilemma that whether to keep their own culture or not especially when two cultures are conflicted. As the saying goes, do in Rome as Rome does,many people have to give up their own original culture and be melted into the native one. It is because only through this they could lead a better life with sharing common culture basis with vernacular people. For instance, many Asian descendants in the United States must get along well with their colleagues who may come from different cultures if they want to go smoothly in their future. However, the price for this is that they comply to the main culture.
      In sum, rituals and ceremonies define a culture but are only one parts of one culture. Also, people’s culture has to be trialed in today’s melted culture and face the grief to loose the sense of who they are if without their own rituals and ceremonies.

ardorousUID：2115432

I totally agree with the speaker that rituals and ceremonies could help define a culture which is unique in human’s thousands of years of development in the history（这一句改改把，两个of, 读读就昏了，…define a culture ,uniquely , spanning thousands of years in history.）   However, the speaker ignores other alternative aspects which could help or even exclusively define a culture. Besides, since most people could feel safe or honored as one member of a group or society, they are more(definitely , evitable,indispensible建议有副词就用稍难的词代替，加分的)  inclined to try their best to protect or even make their own culture known to other races around.（真是很象一个argument 的开头啊，我自己理解的issue是文采和理性并重的）

    Firstly, we could not deny that rituals and ceremonies, if existed, serve as the symbols of one’s special culture comparing to other ones（others）. That is to say, rituals and ceremonies held by people could help them to express what they regard as the essence of nature or themselves sometimes. For example, the Native Americans, until now, stick tenaciously to their own distinct rituals and ceremonies partly(这个词减少了论证的力度) not to be assimilated by the European settlers. These rituals, to some extent, stand for their experience in the past thousands of years. There is also another example which could aptly illustrate this idea. The Jewish people have different perspective（s） about the day and night. In their minds, they think the dark starts before the light because light was stolen from the God and the world originally was dark. This idea is much distinct from other cultures. Therefore, they express their thoughts about this through the ceremony called Rosh Chodesh celebration which is even kept until now. (这个例子不错，很有新意，也到位了)
    On the other hand, （the） rituals and ceremonies are not the only ones through which the culture was defined. In this highly industrialized world, fast developed technologies like Internet and facile transportation now make it not a myth to integrate the world to one village. People from different races now have more opportunities to contact or understand other cultures and be（are） more inclined to absorb other culture’s essence.(essential element of other’s culture 要好些吧) Sometimes, even the different languages pale to impede people’ communication. However, there are intrinsic aspects like people’s accent, character, skin color and so on which could not be easily changed and these factors stand more convincingly（这个词不好，fundamental, elemental ）for one(’s) culture. For example, the famous singer and king of dancer Michael Jackson once made a surgery to change his skin color for better figure and higher profits could not demonstrate that he also changed his character or accent or even religion which might be distinct to his own original culture.(你上面的分析都是从客观角度说的，实际上题的后半部分是个很主观的感觉问题，好想不是很切题)
     Thirdly, people living abroad are inevitable to face the dilemma that whether to keep their own culture or not especially when two cultures are conflicted. In fact, mostly people would choose to keep the essence of their own culture so as not to have a diminished sense of who they are. At the same time, they could lead a better life when partly melting into other cultures. For instance, many Asian descendants in the United States spontaneously organized bodies where they could together enjoy their own culture even in foreign countries and share their experiences. Besides, they worked sometimes in different companies or institutions respectively and get along well with their colleagues who come from different cultures.（注意，有时觉得你的重点太方在文化而不是ritual and element , In this paragraph, there is only one sentence referred to ritual and ceremony）

      In sum, there is not only rituals and ceremonies which could help define a culture but also many other aspects. Also, people are more willing to keep their own special culture which identifies themselves as their own.
看完了，总得来说，文章有自己的风格，而且各观点还是比较清楚的，我是看到你们的互改队，觉得挺爽，加我一个行吗，先看我的一篇，看能否合格
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=