Argument117 打字速度慢了，在word里修改了一下，填了几句话！

翦瞳UID：184872

Argument117  打字速度慢了，接电话耽误了几分钟，于是在word里修改了一下，填了几句话！
------摘要------
共用时间：31分   379 words---450字
------题目------
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
'Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.'
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The author fails to take into account that the survey is still questionable due to lack of respondents data, and mistakenly assumes that the respondents will need home office products sold by his stores.

To begin with, there no detailed information about the survey on which the arguer based to claim the home office products would increase in the future. Who was in charge of the survey? Was the survey conducted impartially and with random sampling principle? Can the respondents represent the general situations around this district? Maybe these respondents were too few to represent all officers or the survey was not carried out carefully so that it is an invalid research which can not be regarded as evidence. In addition, recently is a vague word in a scientific research. How long time can be called recently? Is it a year or a month? Without a detailed and authentic survey, we can hardly draw a considerate conclusion.

Secondly, the author fails to provide the necessity those officers who need bring work home will use home office machines. In fact, even a busy office worker may need no home office machines. Perhaps they just do some editor job, think some ideas about their jobs, and contact with their consumers. As for a head of the advertising department, he may only need conceive good ideas at home and communicate with others, and then design the blue plan in the computer other than on the paper. After all, electronic technology has developed so well that more and more people rely on the computer to deal with problems they confront everyday. And the communication is so convenient than they can print beyond a distant place so they need no papers, print machines at home.

Furthermore, even if there are really some needs of home office machines, we can not conclude we will profit most by means of stocking these products. In other words, we need an overall market analysis and market estimate to draw a more convincing and safe conclusion. Maybe these home office machines are produced by a relatively few factories and their prices are too high which prevents its popularity in a broad district. Thus we can not get enough consumers to profit. Maybe the need trend is not stable and lasting for a long time. Without ruling out these possibilities, we can not ensure our profit, not to mention we will be the most profitable component because there is no information referring to other departments.

In sum, the author makes a rash decision to stock home office product, which lack of persuasive evidence. Without considerable and prudent market research and analysis, the stores may fall into trouble of losing rather than profit.

mvpzhuangUID：205051

The author fails to take into account that the survey is still questionable due to lack of respondents data, and mistakenly assumes that the respondents will need home office products sold by his stores.开头太短了吧，感觉很仓促。

To begin with, there （has）no detailed information about the survey on which the arguer based to claim the home office products would increase in the future. Who was(were一般不会只有一个人) in charge of the survey? Was the survey conducted impartially and with random sampling principle? Can the respondents represent the general situations around this district? Maybe these respondents were too few to represent all officers or the survey was not carried out carefully so that it is an invalid research which can not be regarded as evidence. In addition, recently is a vague word in a scientific research. How long time can be called recently?(what time can be called recently?这样是不是好一点？) Is it a year or a month? Without a detailed and authentic survey, we can hardly draw a considerate conclusion.

Secondly, the author fails to（一篇文章中关键的词最好不要重复） provide the necessity those officers who need bring work home will use home office machines. In fact, even a busy office worker may need no home office machines. Perhaps they just do some editor job, think some ideas about their jobs, and contact with their consumers. As for a head of the advertising department, he may only need conceive good ideas at home and communicate with others, and then design the blue plan in the computer other than on the paper.（跟前面一句有点重复，不过还是可以） After all, electronic technology has developed so well that more and more people rely on the computer to deal with problems they confront everyday. And the communication is so convenient than they can print beyond a distant place so they need no papers, print machines at home.

Furthermore, even if there are really some needs of home office machines, we can not conclude we（we?？ ？ ？） will profit most by means of stocking these products. In other words, we need an overall market analysis and market estimate to draw a more convincing and safe conclusion. Maybe these home office machines are produced by a relatively few factories and their prices are too high which prevents its popularity in a broad district. Thus we can not get enough consumers to profit. Maybe the need trend is not stable and lasting for a long time. Without ruling out these possibilities, we can not ensure our profit, not to mention we will be the most profitable component because there is no information referring to other departments.（profit=benefit-cost. 要profit提高，可以提高收益降低成本。收益还与销售情况有关）
In sum, the author makes a rash decision to stock home office product, which lack of persuasive evidence. Without considerable and prudent market research and analysis, the stores may fall into trouble of losing rather than profit.

总体还可以，不过没有以前看楼主的写得好。感觉遣词造句没有以前好了。
不过还是不错滴。
大家一起加油吧

dr_greenUID：193584

The author fails to take into account that the survey is still questionable due to lack of respondents data, and mistakenly assumes that the respondents will need home office products sold by his stores.
[我服了～～比我的开头简单明了多了～～～～]

To begin with, there [is] no detailed information about the survey on which the arguer based [on] to claim the home office products [the need for?] would increase in the future. Who was in charge of the survey? Was the survey conducted impartially and with random sampling principle? [这个 我在上海上新东方的时候 教作文的杨毅将这两个对survey的置疑称为“较无赖的做法” 然后我就心有余悸的从来不敢用了。。汗。。] Can the respondents represent the general situations around this district? Maybe these respondents were too few to represent all officers or the survey was not carried out carefully so that it is an invalid research [这后半句。。。] which can not [cannot] be regarded as evidence. In addition, recently is a vague word in a scientific research. How long time can be called recently? Is it a year or a month? [这里 你所质疑的recently是一年还是一个月 对结论有什么不同的影响呢？我觉得问题的重点在这个回答上 也就是研究的时效性问题 说实话看到这个问句我是想了半天才想明白这一点 所以我觉得如果可以把你要指出的漏洞明白的说出来 或者换个问的方式可能你要表达的意思会更明确一点] Without a detailed and authentic survey, we can hardly draw a considerate conclusion.
[我觉得这个survey的主要问题在于你的第三个问题，其实可以针对它多展开一些 作个假设什么的 这样你的文章才不会和大家的都差不多 才比较有自己的特色；Plus 那个recently的质疑我pfpf的啊～～ 完全没有想到的说。。。汗ing 我还真是弱//]

Secondly, the author fails to provide the necessity [that] those officers who need bring work home will use home office machines. In fact, even a busy office worker may need no home office machines. Perhaps they just do some editor job, think [of/about/over?] some ideas about their jobs, and contact with their consumers [这个contact可能会用到fax machine哦。。啊我可能有点挑刺了。。]. As for a head of the advertising department, he may only need conceive good ideas at home and communicate with others, and then design the blue plan in the computer other than on the paper. After all, electronic technology has developed so well that more and more people rely on the computer to deal with problems they confront everyday. And the communication is so convenient than they can print beyond a distant place so they need no papers, print machines at home.
[这个只是我的感觉啦 这一段的证明过程好像不太能说服我 毕竟head of a department比起普通员工来说人数是少的 所以一般当说到office worker在家不一定用那些机器的时候 突然来一个head的例子 就觉得像在举特例 另外head的那个解释也有点牵强。。。不知道别人会不会和我一样的感觉。。。可能我的思维有问题～～毕竟是半夜了啊。。。]

Furthermore, even if there are really some needs of home office machines, we can not conclude we will profit most by means of stocking these products. In other words, we need an overall market analysis and market estimate [啊啊啊啊！！这两个词我想了好久都没想出来啊～～结果我在那里写什么marketing forecast。。。。。] to draw a more convincing and safe conclusion. Maybe these home office machines are produced by a relatively few factories and their prices are too high which [so high that?] prevents its popularity in a broad district. Thus we can not get enough consumers to profit. Maybe the need trend is not stable and [or? 如果用and 意思就变成： 。。。is not stable and is lasting for a long time] lasting for a long time. Without ruling out these possibilities, we can not ensure our profit, not to mention we will be the most profitable component because there is no information referring to other departments.

In sum, the author makes a rash decision to stock home office product, which lack of persuasive evidence. Without considerable and prudent market research and analysis, the stores may fall into trouble of losing rather than profit.
[pfpf的 觉得你的词汇很丰富乜～ 开头和结尾很简洁有力～ 中间的论证过程的话 我觉得主要是做假设的部分还可能写的更好一些 比如body1里面那个recently 为什么一年和一个月是有分别的 重点在于那个结果能不能预测到一个月后的情况？能不能预测到一年后呢？ 再像secondly 一段的证明 也可能再加强加强 总体来说我觉得满好的！！]

PS我也有写这篇～ 有空的话来看一下提提意见吧 我觉得很多地方我要向你学习呢
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=307949

vprzhsUID：144409

具体没看，不过看了一下开头。。

一个字：好。

够简洁。。佩服。。学习中。

翦瞳UID：184872

MVPzhuang：
profit=benefit-cost,领教！我一直不清楚哦！

DR-green:

the need for home office products, 少了the need for, 不通了。
think of /about/ over,都可以，只是当时脑子里想conceive 这个词想了好一会，没想起来，就把think直接用了……
关于fax machine,当时真的想到了，但是……来不及了的说！随便先写上吧，该改！
中间的 is not stable and lasting 的问题很严重，因为我习惯并列句子，以后注意！

大家一起加油！

OB叔UID：188695

赞翦瞳一个呢:victory:

呵呵

帮你up了

翦瞳UID：184872

被斑竹赞，好开心！你是说我够用工吧？:$:lol
[color=Purple]可是我自我感觉好差劲哦，要不是你们鼓励我，我都要延期了