12.15独立写作

shiwei83UID：2680950

Nowadays, some may hold the opinion that most businessman are incited only by the profit. But others have a negative attitude. As far as I am concerned, I think although making profits maximization was one of the goal that many merchant may pursuit, but may not their primary goal. My argument for this point are listed as follows.

First of all, the purpose of many businessman today is not just to gain more profits, actually, they want to achieve the value of their life. For example, as graduate of computer science, I and my friends once dream to form our own company which major business was network security. In those days, we tried our best to do that thing, but finally we failed. Reminiscing about old times, we never regret to did so because we know the meaning of life, nothing else mattered.

Furthermore, many businessman were also be specialist in particular fields. In other words, they combine their special skill or knowledge with their business deals. For example, Bill Gates, founder of the Microsoft, we all know he was the most successful businessman in our planet, he was also a genius of producing software. He combine his interest and benefit perfectly during his business career.

Finally, I must concede that there were some trader who kept their eyes on the cash register, but hardly could they be successful, in fact. "Gentlemen's love Choi, to the way", the ancient saying in China, flying high in the world famous Don •Jones New York headquarters lobby. To be a success businessman, one must in accordance with human ethics and obey the traderule.

So as I talked above, we can safely drew conclusion that most businessman are incited not only by the profit, but also their interests.

mpromanusUID：2565872

啊。。这位同学不好意思，我忘了说需要作文题目了。。没有题目我很难判断文章内容是不是合适。。所以先给你改语法词汇什么的了。。-.-

Nowadays, some may hold the opinion that most businessmen (It'd be wise to stay away from such gender-specific words. Try to use 'businesspeople' instead.) are incited only by the profit. But others have a negative attitude (I'm not sure if I get you correctly. 'most businessmen are incited only by profit' sounds like a negative attitude already.). As far as I am concerned, I think although making profits maximization (maximum profits?) was is (If you use 'was', you're implying that 'making profits' whatsoever is curently not a goal of the merchants.) one of the goals that many merchants may pursuit, but may not be their primary goal. My arguments for this point are listed as follows.

First of all, the purpose of many businessman today is not just to gain more profits, actually (This is a rather weak and casual word when used like this, in the middle of a sentence. If you want to use this word but to make it sound formal, you may use 'the actual purpose of many businesspeople..' or replace 'actually' with 'in fact'.), they want to achieve the value of their life (If you use 'the', it means there's a specific and particular 'value' that they want to achieve, and you must spell out that specific value. Otherwise, it's clearer and safer to stay with the plural 'values IN their lives'). For example, as graduate of computer science, I and my friends ('my friends and I'. Always remember to place other people before you.) once dream to form our own company of which the major business was network security. In those days, we tried our best to do that thing (What 'thing'? If you start to use 'thing' to refer to things, you probably should do some work on your vocabulary.), but finally we failed. Reminiscing about old times, we never regret to did have done so because we know the meaning of life, nothing else mattered. (Ah, so you consider yourselves businesspeople. But let me put your argument straight: we tried hard but our company went awry, if we cared about only money, we'd complain, but we didn't, so we don't care about just money. Now, is it true that, if people regret about the failure of their company, it must be because they care only about profits? Can't they regret about that failure because of something else? What I'm saying is that I don't see the relationship between 'regret' and your point about 'value in life'.)

Furthermore, many businessman were also be specialists in particular fields. In other words, they combine their special skills or knowledge with their business deals. For example, Bill Gates, founder of the Microsoft, we all know (If you start a complete new sentence here, the first few parts from 'For example' become fragments. A proper sentence would be something like 'We all know Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, was the most successful...') he was the most successful businessman in our planet, he was also a genius of in producing software (I insist my skeptism about this.). He combines his interest and benefits perfectly? during his business career. (This doesn't necessarily mean if someone does a business out of interest, profits will definitely not be his/her primary goal, or vice versa. There's no law in the universe stating that interest and profits are inversely proportional.)

Finally, I must concede that there were some traders who kept their eyes on the cash register, but hardly could they be successful, in fact. (Examples? I can hardly be persuaded by this sentence alone.)"Gentlemen's love Choi, to the way"(Are you sure this is how to say 君子爱财取之有道 in English?), the ancient saying in China, flyings high in the world famous Don •Jones Dow Jones New York headquarters lobby. To be a successful businessman, one must be in accordance with human ethics and obey the trade rules.

So as I talked above, we can safely draw the conclusion that most businessman are incited not only by the profit, but also their interests.(Just their interests and nothing else? That sounds like very different from what you've said in the second paragraph.)

总结：

冠词和动词时态的使用需要注意一下。组织结构上来说基本上没有提出很有说服力的例子，在阐述逻辑的时候表述也不是很完整，给人一种很散漫的感觉。另外问题如果问的是most businessmen如何如何，你就要针对一下most来阐述，因为如果你只说有这么这么几个人不是光顾着赚钱的，不能说明*大部分*的商人不重利 - 如果你说的这几个人正好是特例，那不是说明大部分的商人还是重利的么。如果你要反驳‘大部分的商人都重利’这样的命题，你需要证明的不仅是有几个人不重利，而是‘大部分的商人不重利’。所以对题目的理解要完善。