德芬郡奶油的ISSUE收集+点评簿

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

1）本帖旨在收集本人改过的issue文章，修改时间暂定为7月1日至7月31日每周一至周五，工作量为每天一篇，周末为休息日。

2）被修改的issue文章为随机抽取，修改完毕后作者会收到通知。

3）不接受PM的修改请求，不接受占楼，不接受跟帖提问，不负责后续修改。

4）原则上每个ID改一篇，各作文小组的组长有优先得到修改的权利。

5）解释权归本人所有，将视实际情况做出调整。

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

友情提示：

在动手写第一篇作文之前，你需要做的事情：
1）仔细阅读AW intro（该PDF在ETS官网有下载），加深对AW的认识；

2）仔细阅读0910G的语法汇总帖：
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=959505&highlight=

3）熟悉以下在线英语学习词典
http://www.ldoceonline.com/
http://oxfordadvancedlearnersdictionary.com/
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/
http://www.collinslanguage.com/
（20世纪和21世纪英语学习词典里的四巨头：LDOCE，OALD，CALD和Collins Cobuild）

当然如果你已经养成时时查阅的习惯就更好。

yogurt4UID: 198389

赞赞赞！

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

ID：crazyjoo
题号：ISSUE138 - "Only through mistakes can there be discovery or progress."
修改时间：July 1
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The speaker asserts that only through mistakes can there be discovery or progress. I fundamentally agree with this claim for two reasons. Firstly, it is accord with [搭配] our personal experience. Secondly, it can be applied to all areas of human endeavor[单复数], that is to say, mistake is the very foundation upon which our society advances.

As the American businessman, H.J.Kaiser says ''Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes''. Understandably, mistakes play an indispensible [拼写] role in our growth [表达]. Although no one want [主谓一致] to make mistake and thus most people regard mistake [单复数] as a troublesome and annoying event [选词]. However, should we abhor mistake [搭配] since it appears intended [搭配] to be a totally negative factor? In my observation, it's highly impractical and naive to do so, given the fact that our daily lives are teem with anthropogenic mistakes [主谓一致]. In this respect, we should try to find its merit rather than to dispute it [搭配不对] all the time. In fact, I did not see the merit in mistake until my parents asked me to create a mistake-collection book [搭配] when I was in grade four. At that time, I was troubling with [搭配] my math homework, not to mention the more pressing math exams. Every time I made a mistake, I just simply turned to my classmates who are generally good at math for help. Unfortunately, I consistently made the same mistake in exams on the basis that [措辞] I underplayed the my mistakes [搭配] right after I got the correct answers from my classmates. Later, I reluctantly accepted my parents' suggestion, that is to say, writing down all ()mistakes I had ever made in math to a book [Chinglish] with a funny name-----mistake-collections. Surprisingly, I had made big progress since I began to collect my mistakes and analyze them carefully. (“)Why I make this mistake [这是疑问句么？]? Can I avoid making the same mistake next time?(“) By asking myself such questions I find out what is [时态] unworkable and hence I can amend my ideas [搭配] and finally approach to [搭配] the right solutions. It seems to me that my own mistakes help improve my critical thinking and comprehensive analyzing (analysis) to a far greater extend [extent] than the correct solutions afford [offered] by my classmates.

The same principle can be also applied to scientific research. The research is an exploration of unknown for true answers to our question, and for lasting solutions to our enduring problems. [Chinglish] However, it is almost impossible to find such a lasting solution in scientific area. With the rapid development and people's further understanding of a specific scientific project. [fragment，应避免]It is not uncommon to see that many once(-)correct principles are proven to be ill-conceived and limited ones. One apt illustration of this point involves the three physical laws created by Essiac Newton. These three laws set the foundation of modern physical research since a myriad of other physical law or principle [单复数] are deduced from them and countless physical experiments essentially are reflections of themselves. They dominated the physical academic area  until the presence of Albert Einstein, who render [时态] his 'Relativity'' theory, claiming that though the big threes are generally plausible in most situation [单复数], however, their practicality and functionality become dubious when it comes to the research in micro world. The people who against [谓语呢？against不是动词] the speaker might argue that it is Einstein, the mistake discoverer, ravages the well-established the entire physical knowledge structure [错误的强调结构]. Conversely, as it turns out, it is Einstein who discovers the hidden flaws in the physical knowledge structure make it more comprehensive and convincing [主谓一致]. In other words, only through a fallen of [搭配] an old principle can there be new discoveries and more robust principles.

In sum, the speaker correctly asserts that it's through mistake that discovery and progress are made. We humans, make a strip to the truth [搭配] whenever we realize a mistake we had [时态] made.

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

ID：红绡
题目：ISSUE 153
修改时间：July2
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Students should bring a certain skepticism to whatever they study. They should question what they are taught instead of accepting it passively."

Nowadays, people enthrone an idea calling for skepticism for [1] what we learn in order to improve or modify knowledge we developed with seeking truth (?). As we all known [2], the way to truth-seeking is endless, and what we have learned cannot be definitely guaranteed to be truth in future. Thus, skepticism is essential for [3] world’s developing and proceeding [4].

Too many predecessors and theories were emerged [5] to certify [6] the philosophy of skepticism. Such as, theory from mechanism to relativity (?) , earth from a flat disc to an ellipsoid [7], and approval of heliocentric theory and so on. As for Mikolaj Kopernik who created De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium – a splendid opus on which he spent almost half of his life time [8], however, even if bringing forward the vital points of his theory had not meet with opposition from the pope, he had not received his first published book until the day he was gone [9]. With later generation’s untiring efforts, Kopernik’s theory revealed its real value. Thereby, such as these stories and records are too numerous to mention one by one, we can see the science is developing step by step circuitously. As a consequence, it is necessary to cultivate the skepticism when students study.

Furthermore, to some degree, bringing a certain skeptical spirit to what students study would advance their initiative, not to mention capacity of thinking in multi-perspective. Those who can only receive knowledge [10] are not talents what [11] the world needs, [12] on the contrary, society needs more genius [13] who have active and powerful [14] thinking skills. While active thinking people would show a certain skeptical style of work [15], or in other words, skepticism is another expression of thinking [16].

Among others, skepticism should not be undue, that is to say, modest skeptical spirit can bring objective sight to everything, if it becomes excessive, one would be sunk into internal friction which is wasting time and life [17]. Moreover, one who has not enough basis knowledge could not think much about whether information learned is real or not. So maybe one cannot make sure of being a skeptic without basic cognition, one could only do one thing that is to receive information actively. When people own enough knowledge and judgment, they could think forwardly and suspect what they do not approve.

In sum, learning is without limits as the process of chasing the truth in science. The truth comes from micromesh attention and active thinking which shows a certain skepticism to one’s cognition to new objects. Thus, the students who own basic knowledge and discernment [18] should not accept knowledge passively, while they must recognize the significance of moderate skepticism to what they study and work [19] in future.

Notes:

[1] the idea of being skeptical of
[2] as we all know/as it known to all
[3] to
[4] Chinglish
[5] 该词为不及物动词，无被动语态
[6] 你可能想用justify
[7] You have to avoid fragments.
[8] to which he dedicated half of his lifetime
[9] 从as for到was gone，整句句式杂糅。划线部分可以考虑改为although his theory met no objection from the Pope (专有名词), he got it published posthumously.
[10] are passive recipients of knowledge
[11] that
[12] ;
[13] geniuses
[14] critical就可以了
[15] be skeptical when they work
[16] a manifestation of critical thinking
[17] 句式杂糅+Chinglish
[18] discerning abilities
[19] work on

crazyjooUID: 2805124

不好意思，放上来太仓促了。。好多琐碎的错误。。我先自己改改试试
奶油大人多多我的表达问题！

ID：crazyjoo
题号：ISSUE138 - "Only through mistakes can there be discovery or progress."
修改时间：July 1
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The speaker asserts that only through mistakes can there be discovery or progress. I fundamentally agree with this claim for two reasons. Firstly, it is（in) accord with our personal experience. Secondly, it can be applied to all areas of human endeavor, that is to say, mistake is the very foundation upon which our society advances.

As the American businessman, H.J.Kaiser says ''Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes''. Understandably, mistakes play an indispensible role in our growth. Although no one want to make mistake and thus most people regard mistake as a troublesome and annoying event. However, should we abhor mistake since it appears intended to be a totally negative factor? In my observation, it's highly impractical and naive to do so, given the fact that our daily lives (删掉are)are teem with anthropogenic mistakes. In this respect, we should try to find its merit rather than to dispute it all the time. In fact, I did not see the merit in mistake until my parents asked me to create a mistake-collection book when I was in grade four. At that time, I was troubling with my math homework, not to mention the more pressing math exams. Every time I made a mistake, I just simply turned to my classmates who are generally good at math for help. Unfortunately, I consistently made the same mistake in exams on the basis that I underplayed the my mistakes right after I got the correct answers from my classmates. Later, I reluctantly accepted my parents' suggestion, that is to say, writing down all ()mistakes I had ever made in math to a book with a funny name-----mistake-collections. Surprisingly, I had made big progress since I began to collect my mistakes and analyze them carefully. (“)Why I make this mistake? Can I avoid making the same mistake next time?(“) By asking myself such questions I find out what is unworkable and hence I can amend my ideas and finally approach to the right solutions. It seems to me that my own mistakes help improve my critical thinking and comprehensive analyzing (analysis) to a far greater extend than the correct solutions afford(afforded) by my classmates.

The same principle can be also applied to scientific research. The research is an exploration of unknown for true answers to our question, and for lasting solutions to our enduring problems. However, it is almost impossible to find such a lasting solution in scientific area. With the rapid development and people's further understanding of a specific scientific project. It is not uncommon to see that many once(-)correct principles are proven to be ill-conceived and limited ones. One apt illustration of this point involves the three physical laws created by Essiac Newton. These three laws set the foundation of modern physical research since a myriad of other physical law or principle are deduced from them and countless physical experiments essentially are reflections of themselves. They dominated the physical academic area  until the presence of Albert Einstein, who render his 'Relativity'' theory, claiming that though the big threes are generally plausible in most situation, however, their practicality and functionality become dubious when it comes to the research in micro world. The people who against the speaker might argue that it is Einstein, the mistake discoverer, ravages the well-established the entire physical knowledge structure. Conversely, as it turns out, it is Einstein who discovers the hidden flaws in the physical knowledge structure make it more comprehensive and convincing. In other words, only through a fallen of an old principle can there be new discoveries and more robust principles.

In sum, the speaker correctly asserts that it's through mistake that discovery and progress are made. We humans, make a strip(stride) to the truth whenever we realize a mistake we had made.

红绡UID: 2839171

5# 德芬郡奶油

谢谢啦~不好意思，没看仔细~

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

不好意思，放上来太仓促了。。好多琐碎的错误。。我先自己改改试试
奶油大人多多我的表达问题！

crazyjoo 发表于 2010-7-2 19:31

请仔细阅读一楼的红色部分。
我已经在地板楼层标示了改动之处，下不为例。

over

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

5# 德芬郡奶油  

Nowadays, people enthrone an idea of being skeptical of [1] what we learn in order to improve or modify knowledge with seeking truth (想表达的意思：寻求真理的同时修正已有的知识——when seeking truth). As we all know [2], the way to truth-seeking is endless, and what we have learned cannot be definitely guaranteed to be truth in future. Thus, skepticism is essential for [3] world’s developing and proceeding [4].（Thus, bringing skepticism to what students study is essential to understand knowledge deeply and accurately.——the understanding of knowledge，to是介词。）

Too many predecessors and theories justify the philosophy of skepticism. Such as, theory from mechanism to relativity (?) , earth from a flat disc to an ellipsoid [7](mechanism was overthrown by relativity, and the theory of round sky and square earth was instead of one of round earth——instead of是介词短语，不能作动词用，至于天圆地方的表达方式，你可以再查下英文资料 ), and approval of heliocentric theory and so on. As for Mikolaj Kopernik who created De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium – a splendid opus to which he dedicated half of his lifetime[8]. Although his theory met no objection from the Pope, he got it published postthumously [9]. Withposterity (?) untiring efforts, the true value of Kopernik’s theory was appreciated. Thereby, such examples could be multiplied indefinitely / the example is (the examples are) too numerous to mention individually. We can see the science is developing step by step circuitously. As a consequence, it is necessary to cultivate a critical mind when students study (in students).

Furthermore, to some degree, bringing a certain skeptical spirit to what students study would help them develop a spirit of innovation and multi-perspective thinking (a habit of innovative thinking). Those who are passive recipients of knowledge [10] are not talents that [11] the world needs; on the contrary, society needs more geniuses [13] who have critical[14] thinking skills. While active thinking people would be skeptical when they work[15], or in other words, skepticism is a manifestation of critical thinking[16].

Among others, skepticism should not be undue, that is to say, modest skeptical spirit can help people observe everything from an objective point of view. If it becomes excessive, one would be sunk into internal friction wasting time and life [17]. Moreover, one who has not enough basis knowledge could not think much about whether information learned is real or not. Moreover, lacking of fundamentals, one can only be a receiver passively (Chinglish). Only if people own a rich foundation (Chinglish) in some extent, they would be possible (able) to think critically.

In sum, there is no end to learn (learning is endless) and it is the same to (with) searching (the search) after truth. The truth comes from active thinking that is represented as a critical attitude to things that students study. Thus, the students who own basic knowledge and discerning ability [18] should not accept knowledge passively. In addition, they must recognize the importance of skepticism and then put it into practice in future.

红绡 发表于 2010-7-2 22:46

PS:在一楼说过了，不负责做后续修改，下不为例。
至于逻辑，我觉得组里的brainstorming对这个会有帮助。

over

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

ID：falloutranger
题目：Issue25
"Anyone can make things bigger and more complex. What requires real effort and courage is to move in the opposite direction – in other words, to make things as simple as possible.
修改时间：July 5
-------------------------------------------
I fundamentally agree with the statement that to make things as simple as possible requires real effort and courage. However, it should be noted that there are some complex things that should not and cannot be simplified, especially not for the sake of simplification itself.

In this high-tech era of satellite communication, global mobility, mass media and the Internet, things are becoming increasingly complex. In my view, there are at least two reasons for such a tendency. Firstly, the advancement in science and technology makes things more complicated. Science students a century ago only had to study Newton's Three Laws of Motion and the theory of gravity, but today many of them have to study the theory of relativity and even quantum mechanics. Two decades ago people wrote on paper, but today everyone has to learn to use computers and relevant softwares for word processing. The second reason has to do with the increase of population as well as people's mobility. The world's population is in a period of (删除) fast expanding (expansion). With the help of revolutionary communication methods (communicative devices) such as cell phone and the Internet, each individual has much more contact with others than their parents do (had). More communication means more blending (不妥) or conflicts of ideas, thoughts and ideologies. Different opinions and ideas intertwine with each other, making people's lives far more complex and diversified.

Generally speaking, it is more difficult and requires more efforts and courage to simplify things, rather than to move in the opposite direction. In order to make things simple, one has to have the perception and insight to see beyond what things ostensibly present themselves (appear to be), has to (删除) have a tight grip on the core and stem of them (seize the essence of them), and has to
(删除) have a clear view of the links and chains of
(underlying relations among) different things. Otherwise, they risk losing their sense of direction as well as ultimate objectives. Besides, to simplify things require people (people have) to fully understand each part of them, (删除) all the details and their relationship with each other, so that they may
(could) pick up the essential parts (select the essential) and piece them into a simpler but still wholesome picture (换个表达方式).

Nevertheless, there are always exceptions to the general rules of simplification, and sometimes we risk oversimplifying things that, by nature, are complicated and ought not to be simplified. Massive and complex systematic projects such as the Manhattan Project or the Apollo Program,(删除) come immediately into mind. (直接说For example, projects … Program.) `Both required tremendous funds, resources and manpower, as well as the wisdom and efforts of tens of thousands of greatest minds of their respective times. On the other hand, such huge projects are extreme fragile ( extremely susceptible), because thousands of different departments and groups are working for (on) it at the same time. If any part of the chain is broken, the whole project would be compromised (不妥). Therefore to simplify these projects would be (means) to take off some indispensable parts of the chain, and the wholesomeness will inexorably be jeopardized.

To sum up, things are becoming more and more complex in this rapid (rapidly) changing world due to the advancement of technology, as well as the increase of population and human mobility. Thus to make things as simple as possible requires real effort. However, we should remain circumspect (discreet?) about the risk of oversimplification, because there are things that cannot be simplified due to their complex nature.

表达的准确性还可以，有些句子写得比较流畅，红笔标示的部分需要注意。
论述有点问题。第一段先重复题目的后半句，然后笔锋一转，指出有时候过度简化也是不可取的。第二段说的是why things are complex，第三段说的是how to make things simple，第四段举例说明why it is not always good to make things as simple as possible。结尾段是对第一段的paraphrase。
个人觉得第二段可以写things are complex and we have to make it simple，列举原因，呼应题目的后半句；第三段可以充分阐述why it is not always good to make things as simple as possible，举正反两方面的例子；然后第四段呼应第一段。

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

July 6
请假一天，忙不过来了。

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

ID: raysun77
题号：Issue147"Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them."
修改时间：July 7
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The discussion of the issue that tradition and modernization are incompatible (看不懂), as a result, one person (删除) must choose between them. At the (a) glance, the opinion seems somewhat convincing, but further reflection tells me that I can not agree with it completely.
典型的Argu开篇，且看你怎么展开。

It seems the truth (删除) that tradition and modernization are incompatible form (显然是想写from，但是这里放from也不合适) their definition. Tradition refers to the beliefs, values, customs, ways of life, etc., which has (have been) handed down from generation to generation in a society. While modernization refers to the technology, the open-minds (open minds), the process of urbanization and individual (?), or in a large sense, westernization. If one person leads an old way of live or solves some problems with an old value or beliefs (in a traditional way), we will definite (define? regard?) him or her as an out of date (outdated) person and, sometimes, look down (upon)
such kind of person (him/her). All of us want to have a good relationship with others who are surrounding (around) us. So, as a result, (删除) we are (删除) try our best to go away the condition with being definited out of date (avoid being categorized as outdated). And that seems the reason why tradition and modernization are incompatible. However, is that the truth?
先指明两者在概念上的不一致，然后指出“过时”的人容易被鄙视，出于和周围的人打好关系的需要，让自己不显得过时很重要。段尾卖了一个关子。

Believe (it) or not, tradition takes a great efforts (plays an important role) in the development (process) of the modernization. The beliefs, values and some customs only can be handed down from generation to generation. Without the same experiment (experience) and the period of the history, another country or people can hardly accept the tradition totally (Chinglish). Such as in the (on) Thanksgiving Day, as (删除) one of the traditional festivals in the western countries, more and more people express their own (删除) thanks to others. However, as the result of different development of the history which without the stave period time as in the USA, there are few people will eat turkey as their dinner which plays an important part in thanks giving day. (典型的句子杂糅)
这一段又转过来说传统很重要。

And at the same time, modernization causes some different (differences) in our traditional life. As we all know, with the development of the (删除) technology, as one part of modernization, (删除) our life becomes (life is becoming) more and more convenient. With the appearance (advent) of TV or phone or IT (Internet), we have open-eyes for this society (our horizons are broadened). And what’s more, contacting with other countries, we make a better understand and, as some one definite, more modernization. (Chinglish+过多插入语)
这段说现代化对生活的影响。

As the relationship between the tradition and the modernization (删除), there is no needs hat we must choose one (need to choose) between tradition and modernization. Many trational (traditional) wisdoms are still relevant and can inspire us to research (search) for the solutions to the present problems. And (, while) modernization can bring our (us) better lives. As (删除) in many countries, there are modern urban where persons earn their money and lead their lives (看不懂), and at the same time, there are also traditional countries where persons gathering together celebrate their own traditional festival (people get together to celebrate traditional festivals).
这段说两者可以共存，以及互相影响。

So, both of them can exist in this society.
（这个exist放在这里怎么看怎么别扭。）

What we should do is that (删除) trying our best to balance the benefit both tradition and modernization (缺少成分). Both of them are important parts in our daily life, we have no need to abandon each of them (Chinglish+缺少连接词).

每个论点都很清楚，但是都论述得不透彻，思想的深度不够。还有就是，语言表达不畅，影响信息传递。

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

奶油妄语（7.7）

看了不少作文，让人眼前一亮的的确很少。

10G小组报名帖里很多人觉得自己“思路没问题，语言表达有待提高”。

思路没问题？究竟是真的没问题还是自己没看出来问题，见仁见智。

个人觉得思路的问题，不外乎自己不断修改+小组里brainstorm+学习前人思路。假以时日，总会有所提高。

例子的问题，是知识面的问题和思维角度的问题，肯积累+多变通，也不至于碰到不熟的题材就完全没有例子用。

至于语言的使用，基本上没有短期大幅度提高的方法（为了应付四六级而在考前大量背诵词汇不包括在内，四六级对语言输出的要求很低的好吧），需要持续的观察、分析和使用词汇。

文字也是有血有肉的，你如何对它，它如何对你——一定的。

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

ID: selinashen
题号：Issue43 To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards.
修改时间：July 8

德芬郡奶油UID: 2843869

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