ISSUE131 【六人行】8.2作业by D

killthegUID: 2862114

首先对抽出宝贵时间帮我改AW的同学表示感谢
希望改的时候侧重于逻辑错误，关于语法：比如词汇重复，句型简单或者句子长度问题的就不必费心了，我个人就是意思能表达明白足矣，虽然也很纠结，但因为短时间这些很难提高，如果意思表达不明，逻辑不正确，请狠狠的暴力的指出，并直接说出来，我不会介意，反而是感谢这些宝贵的意见，再次感谢



TOPIC: ISSUE131 - "The arts (painting, music, literature, etc.) reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society."
WORDS: 427
TIME: 00:46:31
DATE: 2010-8-2 13:39:40


According to the statement, the great creature of arts always could uncover the hidden ideas and impulses of a society, I strongly agree with what the speaker
says, the reasons are stated as follows.

Admittedly, we could find the art work in every corners of our life, and that often give people a way to explain the thought in their mind in the their own time, we could heard many songs in TV, radio , or other people, so we could know that there are many revolution songs in the time of
world war II, people no matter in Soviet or in China sing the songs every day at that time , just because they wanted to live a peaceful life
so they had to fight with the enemy and to be the winners, but in nowadays ,we could heard that seldom, and we would listen the pop music everywhere, which are popular not only in young men but also in the adults, pop music could make us easy from the high pace of modern life for a little moment, people live a peace life now, everyone want to have relax, we are so busy in modern time ,so that the music could reveal the otherwise hidden ideas of the society.

Not only the music, which is just a part of the art, the architecture also could reveal the idea of people in the society, the famous pyramid in Egypt, one of the seven wonders of the world, is the tomb of the pharaoh who believed that they would lived in luxury after his death, so there are many treasures inside the pyramids, so we could learned that the people in Egypt in ancient time would advocate the God very much. And then, we could see triumphal arch in many countries in European, so we could know that the people in European in old time are warlike, so that could proved the speaker’s claim that the art could reveal the hidden ideas of a society.

However, not all kinds of arts would uncover the idea of a society when the artists put their own understanding about the life, some masters' work always describe the thought of themselves. For example, Van Gogh's famous painting Sunflower told us his own spiritual activity, but not understood by any people in his time. In other words, such work cannot instead of societies’ idea but only individual idea.

To sum up, the speaker's claim that some kinds of art reflect certain ideas and impulses of a society is right in some degree.

echo23loveUID: 2802443

According to the statement, the great creature of arts always could uncover the hidden ideas and impulses of a society, I strongly 此部分用strongly说明你以下想呈现的是一边倒观点，但是实际上第三段你表述了art同时也有个人意愿的表现，所以应该改为partlyagree with what the speaker
says, the reasons are stated as follows.

Admittedly, we could find the art work in every corners of our life, and that often give people a way to explain the thought in their mind in the去掉 their own time, we could heard many songs in TV, radio , orfrom other people, so we could know that there are many revolution songs in the time of
world war II, people no matter in Soviet or in China sing the songs every day at that time , just because they wanted to live a peaceful life
so they had to fight with the enemy and to be the winners,感觉这部分的逻辑有点问题，唱革命歌曲可以反映社会的现实但是不一定是渴望peaceful life这个没有必然的逻辑关系，这部分可以改成反映出其他社会现实 but in nowadays ,we could heard that seldom, and we would listen the pop music everywhere, which are popular not only in young men but also in the adults, pop music could make us easy from the high pace of modern life for a little moment, people live a peace life now, everyone want to have relax, we are so busy in modern time ,so that the music could reveal the otherwise hidden ideas of the society.关于流行乐的例子很好，但是感觉没有说透，可以加入一些歌词的走向之类的，表现现代人对于休闲生活的需求。

Not only the music, which is just a part of the art, the architecture also could reveal the idea of people in the society, the famous pyramid in Egypt, one of the seven wonders of the world, is the tomb of the pharaoh who believed that they would lived in luxury after his death, so there are many treasures inside the pyramids, so we could learned that the people in Egypt in ancient time would advocate the God他们信仰的不一定是god，写demon比较准确，同时此例子为了表明hidden idea，可以说他们对崇高权利的渴望之类的 very much. And then, we could see triumphal arch in many countries in European, so we could know that the people in European in old time are warlike, so that could proved the speaker’s claim that the art could reveal the hidden ideas of a society.这段例子和论据结合的较好

However, not all kinds of arts would uncover the idea of a society when the artists put their own understanding about the life, some masters' work always describe the thought of themselves. For example, Van Gogh's famous painting Sunflower told us his own spiritual activity, but not understood by any people in his time. In other words, such work cannot instead of societies’ idea but only individual idea.这个例子不是太有代表性，描述时可以介入其绘画风格以及特点，进行少量描述，以便更好的论述。

To sum up, the speaker's claim that some kinds of art reflect certain ideas and impulses of a society is right in some degree.结尾有点太匆忙了，做个总结最好。
总体感觉就是逻辑上没有问题，除了开头的strongly agree与后面的例子稍有自相矛盾外。例子的选择都还不错，建议例子在描述时多加些与论点有关的细节，可以使文章更加有血有肉，中式英文的痕迹很明显，我读起来很通顺，但是ets就不一定了。还有个小小建议，外国人喜欢把主要论点放在最后一个论述段，逐层深入，下次你写作的时候可以尝试一下。

killthegUID: 2862114

thank you