argument117 望赐教,"决战830拍砖组™"

ytrUID: 164422

------题目------
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
'Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.'
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By citing the survey that more people take work home from the workplace, the argument concludes that through increasing stock of office supplies the office-supply departments of Valu-Mart stores will seize the good chance for more profit. However, the there are  some unproven logical flaws.

To begin with, the survey is unreliable. The argument says nothing about the respondents. We don't know the professions of these respondents. Does the survey include all the lines in the region? If it is limited to certain professions, the result will be applied to the most people. Who launch the survey? How abroad the survey is? We also should know whether number of participants and regions of respondents in the survey are enough sufficient to support this trend. It is possible that the most of participants might be work-at-home men or women, while the other people who don’t bring the work home don't participant this survey. Does the increase of the office supplies need now is substantial compared with it in the past? Absent these evidences, the argument cannot convince me that the survey precisely reflect the work-at-home trend.  

Even the trend is proven, the manager of Valu-Mart stores doesn’t justify that the people who take work home necessarily need office supplies. The argument overlooks some alternative possibility. . It is entirely possible that most people in the local region don't need any of those office supplies particularly common ones such as paper, pens, and staplers or a few of those. For example, it is hard to imagine that the people who work for a clothing factory will need many office supplies. Perhaps the companies already offer the employees who take work home with the office supplies, especially like the paper, pens, and staplers. Or perhaps most of these work-at-home people do their tasks only by computer rather than other office supplies. For those reason, they will spend their money on the office supplies. It is equally likely that these people work so late before taking the work home that the store is closed. Without ruling out these possibilities, the store can sell the stock of office supplies, let alone make a profit.

Finally, even if most people go to buy office supplies, it doesn't indicate that the sale of store will necessarily increase. The store might face many strong competitors. In this case, the quality and brand of the office supplies products will exert their influence, which may be decisive, on the sale of office supplies. Another problem is also important. The cost of stock of these office supplies might be high per day. Does the manager consider fully the risk of it?  If not, the office-supply departments might become the most unprofitable component of our stores.

Overall,To strengthen this conclusion, the manager should provide the evidence support the survey and the real need of these work-at-home people. Also we need know whether the Valu-Mart store has the ability to compete with other stores and have analyzed the risk of the stock.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-17 at 01:18 ]

yxepochUID: 2124411

By citing the survey that more people take work home from the workplace, the argument concludes that through increasing stock of office supplies the office-supply departments of Valu-Mart stores will seize the good chance for more profit. However, the there are  some unproven logical flaws. (棒)

To begin with, the survey is unreliable. The argument says nothing about the respondents. We don't know the professions of these respondents. Does the survey include all the lines in the region? If it is limited to certain professions, the result will be applied to the most people. (这句话没明白)Who launch the survey? How abroad the survey is? We also should know whether number of participants and regions of respondents in the survey are enough sufficient to support this trend. It is possible that the most of participants might be work-at-home men or women, while the other people who don’t bring the work home don't participant this survey. Does the increase of the office supplies need now is substantial compared with it in the past? Absent these evidences, the argument cannot convince me that the survey precisely reflect the work-at-home trend.  
话是都到了,可是比较凌乱,没有层次感,重新调整一下吧.还有关于数据不准确的表达方法不够地道,可以去参照一下模版,背一点吧

Even the trend is proven, the manager of Valu-Mart stores doesn’t justify that the people who take work home necessarily need office supplies. The argument overlooks some alternative possibility. . It is entirely possible that most people in the local region don't need any of those office supplies particularly common ones such as paper, pens, and staplers or a few of those. For example, it is hard to imagine that the people who work for a clothing factory will need many office supplies. Perhaps the companies already offer the employees who take work home with the office supplies, especially like the paper, pens, and staplers. Or perhaps most of these work-at-home people do their tasks only by computer rather than other office supplies. For those reason(s), they will spend their money on the office supplies. It is equally likely that these people work so late before taking the work home that the store is closed. Without ruling out these possibilities, the store can sell the stock of office supplies, let alone make a profit.
这段就很好，思路清晰,语言通顺

Finally, even if most people go to buy office supplies, it doesn't indicate that the sale of store will necessarily increase. The store might face many strong competitors. In this case, the quality and brand of the office supplies products will exert their influence, which may be decisive, on the sale of office supplies. Another problem is also important. The cost of stock of these office supplies might be high per day. Does the manager consider fully the risk of it?  If not, the office-supply departments might become the most unprofitable component of our stores.(不错)

Overall,To strengthen this conclusion, the manager should provide the evidence support the survey and the real need of these work-at-home people. Also we need know whether the Valu-Mart store has the ability to compete with other stores and have analyzed the risk of the stock.

除了第二段,总体来说还是不错的,注意些小细节就可以了,比如不要漏掉"s"什么的.

ytrUID: 164422

狂谢