0910AW 同主题写作第二期 ARGUMENT173 by Brian Wang 修改by cmj

brianwangboUID: 2643722

ARGUMENT173
The following is a memorandum issued by the publisher of a newsmagazine, Newsbeat, in the country of Dinn.

'Our poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on their front covers. Over the same period, competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news. Moreover, the cost of maintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing. Therefore, we should decrease our emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying such stories on our magazine covers.'

      
       This argument concludes that decreasing their emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying such stories on their magazine covers will help them make better profit. To support this conclusion the author points out that their poorest-selling magazine issues have been those with international news on covers, yet competing news magazines decrease the number of international stories. Another reason he gave us was the increasing cost of maintaining their foreign bureaus.
      On the surface the author gave us some cogent reasons to support his proposal. Let’s see what we can get after close analysis. Obviously, lots of factors have effects on sales volume. Of course, covers of a magazine play an important role. But other factors also contribute. For example, as readers, we may won’t buy these magazines with only beautiful covers and without wonderful content. With a same task, different groups will have different results. So how do they design their covers with international stories and is there any interesting patterns they used to attract readers? Compared with past, the “poorest-selling” means increase or decrease? In short, without investigating the above questions, we can’t draw the same conclusions as the author does.
       Secondly, different magazines have dissimilar status in the eyes of readers. The ways other magazines used may not work on Newsbeat, let alone the uncertainty of results. Each magazine concentrates on different parts of news. So what’s the role of international news in “Newsbeat” of making profit. Is it worthy of taking measures to do so?
      Thirdly, what would happen if the author’s proposal is taking into practice? Let me guess, they would lose quite a lot readership who are favor of  reading international news from Newsbeat. And what would take place if they continue to publish the magazines with international stories on the covers? From the argument, we can easily obtain an idea that Newsbeat may become the only magazine covering of international news due to the decreasing number of international cover stories of their competing-magazines. Also this phenomenon may indicate that Newsbeat’s foreign bureaus have done a really good job and the cost of maintaining their foreign
bureaus is rewarding. So it would be imprudence to accept the author's suggestion without ruling out this possibility.
      In sum, the argument is logically unsound. To strengthen the argument, an investigation should be done among readers and further survey of other magazines with decreasing international cover stories will give Newsbeat a more clear idea. A good plan comes out with clear discussion and careful evaluation. Before changing ourselves, we need define our role and find our aim.

ddcmj519UID: 176326

ARGUMENT173
The following is a memorandum issued by the publisher of a newsmagazine, Newsbeat, in the country of Dinn.
'Our poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on their front covers. Over the same period, competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news. Moreover, the cost of maintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing. Therefore, we should decrease our emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying such stories on our magazine covers.'
      
       This argument建议用article，passage之类的词 concludes that decreasing their emphasis on international news and refraining from displaying such stories on their magazine covers 主语太长而且照搬题目，粗体部分删掉，或者整句改写 will help them make more profit. To support this conclusion the author points out that their poorest-selling magazine issues have been those with international news on covers,断句，而且我的分析不是写了是三个理由么。。怎么归为一个了。。 yet competing news magazines decrease the number of international stories. Another reason he 你怎么知道的？author或者publisher gave请注意你再描述内容的时态统一。首句是现在时，这里变过去时了。。 us was the increasing cost of maintaining their foreign bureaus.这个句子内容上不完整。
      On the surface the author gave us some cogent reasons to support his proposal. Let’s see what we can get after close analysis. 第一句模板只有过渡的作用。。第二句毫无意义。删了一点也不影响意思表达。 因为使用模板，导致你前两句和后面这句话没有关联性。逻辑割裂，怎么能清楚的表达你的逻辑深度？Obviously, lots of factors have effects on sales volume？表达有问题. Of course, covers of a magazine 一本杂志就一个封面。。play an important role. But other factors also contribute. 言之无物，合并后面一句话的factors内容。不要假设。For example, as readers, we may won’t ？？删了一个 buy these magazines with only beautiful covers and without wonderful content. With a same task,表达有误，google没有这个表达。 different groups will have different results什么意思。。不懂. So how do they design their covers with international stories and is there any interesting patterns they used to attract readers? Compared with the past, the “poorest-selling” means increase or decrease? 无效攻击。In short, without investigating the above questions, we can’t draw the same conclusions as the author does.
我太生气了。我明明写了1. try to avoid templates 这种句子跟你的内容完全挂不上钩。而且没有任何实质性内涵。请问你写了他有什么用？没有实质内容的统统是废话。ETS不会因为你字数多而给你高分。只会因为你的思想和表达的粗浅而减分！再说此段内容。楼主可能没有理解我为什么在part2列了那么多Q，一个是为了启发大家思路，一个则是行文的必须。请楼主下来以后找bernina版主的官方范文分析帖，仔细研读满分范文的攻击点是怎样表达及选取的。
       Secondly, different magazines have dissimilar status in the eyes of readers. The ways other magazines used may not work on Newsbeat, let alone the uncertainty of results表意不明. Each magazine concentrates on different parts of news. So what’s the role of international news in “Newsbeat” of making profit. 表达有问题 Is it worthy of taking measures to do so?此段语言表达就比上段流畅许多。但是由于初步接触Argument，所以此段的表达方式上仍然有所欠缺。而且题目已经说了competing magazine就必然是同行。concentrate的part必然一样。所以第三句的攻击，按照你的表达，也是无效的。
      Thirdly, what would happen if the author’s proposal is taking into practice? Let me guess,言之无物且不符合整个行文基调 they would lose quite a lot readership who are in favor of  reading international news from Newsbeat.如果失去少量读国际新闻的读者而得到更多读八卦新闻的读者你觉得会是损失吗？ And what would take place if they continue to publish the magazines with international stories on the covers? From the argument, we can easily obtain an idea that Newsbeat may become the only magazine covering of international news due to the decreasing number of international cover stories of their competing-magazines. 怎么又回到第二点内容了。。思路混乱。。。Also this phenomenon may indicate that Newsbeat’s foreign bureaus have done a really good job and the cost of maintaining their foreignbureaus is rewarding.HOW CAN U KNOW THAT。。报的内容越多不等于报的深不等于最能受益不等于工作做得好。 So it would be imprudence to accept the author's suggestion without ruling out this possibility.。。。。冒昧一句。。还是模板吧。。。
      In sum, the argument is logically unsound. To strengthen the argument, an investigation 我再冒昧一句。。还是模板吧。。说了个investigation却又没有说是在其他杂志的具体哪些方面，这样根本不能说明你懂了这个题目。should be done among readers and further survey of other magazines with decreasing international cover stories will give Newsbeat a more clear idea. A good plan comes out with clear discussion and careful evaluation. Before changing ourselves, we need define our role and find our aim. 不知所云。

ddcmj519UID: 176326

看一下别的同学的文
8.  archaeology  https://bbs.gter.net/thread-958286-1-1.html
这个也是我改的。你可以参考一下。

brianwangboUID: 2643722

我还没开始准备A，今天下午看了一篇范文，自己分析了下就写了，连模板都没来得及看.............o(∩_∩)o...谢谢斑竹，我会加倍努力的.........不会让你失望...........
版主的工作真是认真负责，言而有信，赞一个！！！ 3# ddcmj519

ddcmj519UID: 176326

cmj斑竹一贯的激进式改法。。。
错误越多，进步空间才越大。
yyx017 发表于 2009-5-31 11:55

额。确实。我改作文一向很批判。。而且昨天做某个东西做的头疼的不行的时候给你改的。。
所以言辞可能有些过激，见谅见谅。

其中我标了是模板的句型。我感觉就是很你其他地方的行文感觉很不一样，而且带有鲜明的模板特色——没有实际内容。所以我就武断下结论了。不好意思啊~

楼主可以点击同主题后面部分的几个链接到本版精华区，有一些指导文字具体讲这个argument具体该怎么写。

加油吧~
进步空间很大~

akongworldUID: 2607594

版主改得好详细啊~~~:L强悍....

brianwangboUID: 2643722

:o(∩_∩)o...
看到版主改得这么详细，很高兴，呵呵，谢谢版主，对我的启迪作用很大，这次能有机会让斑竹改真不容易，以后好机会不多了........加油...争取再来一次................. 6# ddcmj519

AdelineShenUID: 2630498

赞cmj啊！！！可是为什么草木一直没有找人改我的同主题Argu呢？那天为了抢首位通宵赶的，不知道cmj可不可以帮忙催一下～谢谢了！再次赞cmj的辛勤工作！～