Issue103 但求4分...谁帮忙看看行不行...

chongxinlaiUID??2235209

TOPIC: ISSUE103 - "The study of history has value only to the extent that it is relevant to our daily lives."
呼呼，趁老板不在，刚刚改了下
Does the study of history have value only to the extentthat it is relevant to our daily lives, as the speaker claims? I fundamentallyagree with the speaker's statement that the study of history concern our dailylives. Moreover, studying history indeed influence our political and social lives.Firstand foremost, some of aspects of our daily lives are affected by the study of history.,when the masses confront with certain problems. By learning historic stories ofcertain outstanding individuals, we can understand the crucial factors of theirsuccesses which can be applied to ourselves. For example, we can study Edison whose variety of innovations attributable to hisinsistence. And the story of Lincoln who contribute to emancipate slaves by meansof his strong will to overcome difficulty tells us that we should not distrustourselves .If so, when faced some dilemma, modern people can regard Edison andLincoln as models and learn their excellent quality. As a result, they canovercome their problems and gain personal success. Accordingly, learning suchfamous individuals' excellent aspects of human natures help us solving our ownproblems and benefit to our daily lives.
Notonly does the study of history facilitate our everyday lives, but also have to dowith human beings political and social lives. Modern people can resolve ourimmediate social and political problems by assimilating old successfulexperience. Learning the essence of former good experience and understandingrecent real situation provides a way to success. An apt illustration of thispoint involves the economic situation before and after reform in China. Beforethe reform, though there was no unemployment, the efficiency was extremely low.To promote such situation, Chinese Government apply some developed countries'successful experience. Some decades ago, the developed countries solve the similarproblems by causing unemployment to enhance the masses’ consciousness of competition.With the study their accomplishments, Chinese Government adopt such way to stimulateeconomic growth. As a result, people’s awareness of competition has risen and theproductivity has been enhanced. Without learning western counties’ experience,current China would be as poor as old. Such example points out that learninghistoric events still contribute to our modern society as long as we selectpart and parcel of all old experience. Moreover,studying historic mistakes can help our modern society avoid making the same mistakes.In retrospect human being had make variety of mistakes in the past. Takeenvironment pollution as an example. Several years ago, for meeting economicand political needs, most of nations at that time  endeavor to develop theirmodern industries  at  the cost of environment pollution. However,they had to confront with more difficult problems, such as nuclear pollution fromnuclear power station and greenhouse effect due to disafforesting trees overly,which needs much more time and resource to solve. Thus, learning such mistakesand memorizing their harmful results from our history, we have to considerfuture interest when are ready to solve immediate problems. For example, modernequipments which have no effect on natural environment are permitted invented,manufactured and used. And our government spends much time and money onpropagandizing the importance of natural environment. Apparently, our modernpeople and our future generations will benefit from such new behaviors bylearning mistakes of history.Insum, the study of history concern not only our daily lives but also our wholesociety.

[ 本帖最后由 chongxinlai 于 2007-3-22 13:07 编辑 ]

susan8940UID??160449

真的找不出什么可以修改的地方。。。除了少数语法错误

论点很清楚。。。论证说理也比较好。。。

第三段Nevertheless可以换成moreover...

susan8940UID??160449

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-630619-1-2.html
我的哈

chongxinlaiUID??2235209

:(

ILOVEISSUEUID??2300195

Does the study of history have value only to the extent that it is relevant to our daily lives, as the speaker claim? I fundamentally（后面有insofar as这里就不该写fundamentally） agree with the speaker's statement insofar as that the study of history benefit our daily lives. (感觉好怪，后面应该跟转折的)Moreover, studying history give a fresh impetus to  prosperity and development of our society by offering successful and failure experiences during the past.

First and foremost. every member of our society is beneficiary of study of history. By learning historic stories of certain outstanding individuals, we can understand the crucial factors of their successes which can be applied to ourselves. For example, we can study Edison who invented a lots of science and technology innovations attributable to his insistence.（给以再引申一下从而我们学会了。。。。） And the story of Lincoln who lead the Civil War tells us that we should not distrust ourselves even after some failures. If so, when faced some dilemma, modern people can regard Edison as a model and gain courage from him. Then they can confront with their own problems directly and continue to do without hesitatation.（这里逻辑好混乱） As a result, they can overcome their problems and gain personal success. Accordingly, learning such famous individuals' excellent aspects of human natures help us solving our own problems（你前面说problem了吗） and benefit to our daily lives.（这段你究竟想说什么，感觉思维好散）

Not only does the study of history facilitate our everyday lives, but also help us resolving our immediate social and political problems by assimilating old successful experience. Although our recent situation is so distinguished用词不准 from old situation during the past that we can not imitate old successful mold without little change, study of history still has positive effect on modern society.  （说点道理为什么可以，感觉好一些）Learning the essence of former good experience and understanding recent real situation  provide a way to success.  A apt illustration of this point involves the economic situation before and after reform in China. Before the reform, though there was no unemployment, the efficiency was extremely low. To promote such situation, Chinese Government apply some developed countries' experience of causing unemployment while government provide enough courage and lessons to help people losing jobs to find a new one, which is consisted with China situation. As a result, the productivity has been enhanced and the economic situation been motivated considerably. Such example points out that learning historic events still contribute to our modern society as long as we select part and parcel of all old experience.（分析得不透彻，可以说说，怎样学习外国，如果中国不怎么怎么样，就会怎么怎么样）

Nevertheless, （对什么的转折？）studying historic mistakes can help our modern society avoid making the same mistakes. After all human being had make variety of mistakes during old period. Such mistakes waste our large amount of money and resource and retard long-term development and prosperity of society. （缺少说理，怎样学习，怎样犯错）Take environment pollution as an example. Several years ago, for meeting economic and political needs, most of nations at that time   at  the cost of environment pollution. However, they had to confront with more difficult problems, such as nuclear melt from nuclear power station and greenhouse effect due to disafforest trees overly, which needs much more time and resource to solve. Thus, learning such mistakes and memorizing their harmful results, modern equipments which have no effect on natural environment are permitted invented, producted and used. Apparently,  our modern people and our future generations will benefit from such behaviors protecting environment .（你这段是要说学习历史防止犯错，但很大篇幅在介绍污染，论证太少）

In sum, the study of history benefit not only our daily lives but also our whole society.（ft，这就结束了！）

整篇文章给我感觉思路很混乱，结构上没有逻辑

过会帮我看看吧

chongxinlaiUID??2235209

汗，看来三分也得不到了。改了改
Does the study of history have value only to the extent that it is relevant to our daily lives, as the speaker claim? I fundamentally agree with the speaker's statement that the study of history benefit our daily lives. However, studying history give a fresh impetus to  prosperity and development of our society by offering successful and failure experiences during the past.

First and foremost. every member of our society is beneficiary of study of history. By learning historic stories of certain outstanding individuals, we can understand the crucial factors of their successes which can be applied to ourselves. For example, we can study Edison who invented a lots of science and technology innovations attributable to his insistence. And the story of Lincoln who lead the Civil War tells us that we should not distrust ourselves even after some failures. If so, when faced some dilemma, modern people can regard Edison and Lincoln as a model and gain sufficient conviction. As a result, they can overcome their problems and gain personal success. Accordingly, learning such famous individuals' excellent aspects of human natures help us solving our own problems and benefit to our daily lives.

Not only does the study of history facilitate our everyday lives, but also help us resolving our immediate social and political problems by assimilating old successful experience. Although our recent situation is different from old situation during the past that we can not imitate old successful mold without little change, study of history still has positive effect on modern society.   Learning the essence of former good experience and understanding recent real situation  provide a way to success.  A apt illustration of this point involves the economic situation before and after reform in China. Before the reform, though there was no unemployment, the efficiency was extremely low. To promote such situation, Chinese Government apply some developed countries' successful experience of that causing unemployment while government provide enough courage and lessons to help people losing jobs to find a new one, which is consisted with China situation. As a result, the productivity has been enhanced and the economic situation been motivated considerably. Without learning western counties’ experience, current China would be as poor as old. Such example points out that learning historic events still contribute to our modern society as long as we select part and parcel of all old experience.

Moreover, studying historic mistakes can help our modern society avoid making the same mistakes. In retrospect human being had make variety of mistakes in the past to satisfy individual or a group of individuals’ interests. Such mistakes waste our large amount of money and resource and retard long-term development and prosperity of society. Take environment pollution as an example. Several years ago, for meeting economic and political needs, most of nations at that time   at  the cost of environment pollution. However, they had to confront with more difficult problems, such as nuclear melt from nuclear power station and greenhouse effect due to disafforest trees overly, which needs much more time and resource to solve. Thus, learning such mistakes and memorizing their harmful results from our history, we have to consider future interest when are ready to solve immediate problems. For example, modern equipments which have no effect on natural environment are permitted invented, manufactured and used. And our government spend much time and money on propagandizing the importance of natural environment. Apparently,  our modern people and our future generations will benefit from such new behaviors by learning mistakes of history.
In sum, the study of history benefit not only our daily lives but also our whole society.

ILOVEISSUEUID??2300195

呵呵，别被我吓倒了，我也不太懂issue

chongxinlaiUID??2235209

原帖由 ILOVEISSUE 于 2007-3-19 16:45 发表
呵呵，别被我吓倒了，我也不太懂issue

表骗人亚:funk: ILOVEISSUE了，还说不懂......

titi0109UID??2307065

全篇没看，不过这开头完全重复得改呀……

iq28UID??2152875

汗~
刚才忙申请去了~~
一觉醒来再给你改哈~

chongxinlaiUID??2235209

原帖由 iq28 于 2007-3-21 03:26 发表
汗~
刚才忙申请去了~~
一觉醒来再给你改哈~

晕3点多的帖子
;) 身体要紧亚。

iq28UID??2152875

Does the study of history have value only to the extent that it is relevant to our daily lives, as the speaker claim(s)? I fundamentally agree with the speaker's statement that the study of history benefit our daily lives.(benefit不等于relevant) However, studying history give a fresh impetus to prosperity and development of our society by offering successful and failure experiences during the past. (审题...)

First and foremost, every member of our society is beneficiary of study of history.(这个ts似乎和topic无关啊) By learning historic stories of certain outstanding individuals, we can understand the crucial factors of their successes which can be applied to ourselves. For example, we can study Edison who invented a lots(语法) of science and technology innovations attributable to his insistence. And the story of Lincoln who lead the Civil War tells us that we should not distrust ourselves even after some failures. (红字部分不是用来完美支持ts的,不要多说.) If so, when faced some dilemma, modern people can regard Edison and Lincoln as a model(两个人是一个model?) and gain sufficient conviction. As a result, they can overcome their problems and gain personal success. Accordingly, learning such famous individuals' excellent aspects of human natures help us solving our own problems and benefit to our daily lives. (ts要讨论的是是否历史研究要与日常生活相关.你怎么说到every member了?)

Not only does the study of history facilitate our everyday lives, (这里倒是换成日常生活了) but also help us resolving(resolve) our immediate social and political problems by assimilating old successful experience.(又是把relevant跟benefit混淆了) Although our recent situation is different from old situation during the past that we can not imitate old successful mold without little change, study of history still has positive effect on modern society. (还没论证观念呢就先来一个大的让步似乎不是很好) Learning the essence of former good experience and understanding recent real situation provide(s) a way to success. A apt illustration of this point involves the economic situation before and after reform in China. Before the reform, though there was no unemployment, the efficiency was extremely low. To promote such situation, Chinese Government apply some developed countries' successful experience of that causing unemployment while government provide enough courage and lessons to help people losing jobs to find a new one, which is consisted with China situation. As a result, the productivity has been enhanced and the economic situation been motivated considerably. (首先,这么一个很长的例子更加适合讲借鉴别国经验而不是历史经验.第二,描述得过于累赘而且不清楚.没看出来帮助下岗工人再就业对于以前的0失业有什么优势.没看出国外的经验是怎么帮助国内的经济的) Without learning western counties’ experience, current China would be as poor as old. Such example points out that learning historic events still contribute to our modern society as long as we select part and parcel of all old experience. (首先ts就有问题,然后例子也不是很支持论点,而且论证也很平淡.这一段比较失败)

Moreover, studying historic mistakes can help our modern society avoid making the same mistakes. In retrospect human being had make variety of mistakes in the past to satisfy individual or a group of individuals’ interests.（为何要把错误局限在为了满足个人或团体的私立之上?）Such mistakes waste our large amount of money and resource and retard long-term development and prosperity of society.(不一累述错误.需要论证的是如何借鉴以前的错误经验) Take environment pollution as an example. Several years ago, for meeting economic and political needs, most of nations at that time   at  the cost of environment pollution.(语病) However, they had to confront with more difficult problems, such as nuclear melt(核泄漏似乎不是这么说) from nuclear power station and greenhouse effect due to disafforest(ing) trees overly, which needs much more time and resource to solve. Thus, learning such mistakes and memorizing their harmful results from our history, we have to consider future interest when are ready to solve immediate problems. For example, modern equipments which have no effect on natural environment are permitted invented, manufactured and used. And our government spend much time and money on propagandizing the importance of natural environment. Apparently, our modern people and our future generations will benefit from such new behaviors by learning mistakes of history.(过去的错误讲得太多,没有和现在的联系起来.)

In sum, the study of history benefit not only our daily lives but also our whole society.


[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-3-21 23:39 编辑 ]

chongxinlaiUID??2235209

辛苦了斑斑;d:
:funk: 写得还真是滥亚。明天上班的时候再好好看
争取以后的作文一不跑题，二例子联系实际

chongxinlaiUID??2235209

刚改完，顶起