10-6作文

zhengping001UID: 2689322

第一次上交作文，感觉很差，不知用了多少时间，呵呵太紧张了，后面实在写不出来了，求狠狠狠狠拍！




When it comes to whether thegovernment should pay more attention on health care issues than onenvironmental issues. However, in my opinion, i prefer government pay moreattention on environmental issues than on health care issues as my inclination.My arguments for this point are listed as follows.
I agree with the statement that theenvironmental issues are the most exigent problem in the first place. The lastdecades, as the development of economy, most of the countries the environmentwas polluted more or less and some areas were even destroyed completely.So somecountries or areas are likely to can't adapt to live. For example, some lakesin southeast of China were throughout empoisoned and the water can't used todrink and even daily use. If someone drink or use the water from those lakeswill feel uncomfortable or ill. So government must have to spend billions moneyto offer the clean water from other areas every year. The more essential factorwhy i advocate the argument of the government should pay more attention onenvironmental problems is that. Obviously a great deal of disease are relatedto the empoisoned environment.
Furthermore, what is worth noticingfact is that the environment is more and more worsen as the development, andthe harm to person will spread around the world. For example, the global dominooffect of glasshouse already become one of the most global problems and thewater level is continuously risen. So these demonstrates the undeniable factthat not only government but also people both should pay more attention onenvironmental issues.
Of course, government also pay attention on health care issues.
For practicaland emotional reasons, we need to pay more attention on environment and preserveour planet's environment.

zhangyzzzUID: 2615373

When it comes to whether the government should pay more attention on health care issues than onenvironmental issues(句子不完整，只有when引导的从句). However, in my opinion, i(I) prefer（that） government pay moreattention on environmental issues than on health care issues as my inclination(prefer 和as inclination有重复的感觉。).My arguments for this point are listed as follows(following).
I agree with the statement that the environmental issues are the most exigent problems in the first place(in the first place 提到句首会比较好，而且first与most有重复).In The last decades, as the development of economy, most of the countries' the（去掉the） environment was polluted more or less and some areas were even destroyed completely.So some countries or areas are likely to can't（否定词放在前面are出比较好） adapt to live. For example, some lakes in southeast of China were throughout empoisoned and the water can't(couldn't 时态) be used to drink and even daily use(for daily use such as drinking). If someone who drink or use the water from those lakes will feels(主语someone) uncomfortable or ill. So government must have to（must 和have to 都有必须的意思，显得重复。） spend billions of money to offer(on offering) the clean water from other areas every year. The more essential factor why i advocate the argument of the government should pay more attention on environmental problems is that(这句感觉没写完). Obviously a great deal of diseases are related to the empoisoned environment.  I- b; g7 J5 t) I  `; c
Furthermore, what is worth noticing fact(the fact worth noticing) is that the environment is more and more worsen as the development, and the harm to person will spread around the world(时态问题，并列句一个一般现在时一个将来时). For example, the global domino effect of glasshouse has already become one of the most significant global problems and the water level is continuously risen. So these demonstrates(demonstrate) the undeniable fact that not only government but also people both(not only, but also 和both 又有重复的感觉) should pay more attention on environmental issues.
Of course, government also pay attention on health care issues.
6 r7 O" ~  u8 j
For practical and emotional reasons, we need to pay more attention on environment and preserve our planet's environment.
1.文章没有写完，其实我也是刚开始练，写一篇有时候要用好几个小时，尽量还是写完比较好。
2.语法上的问题比较多，可能是写的太快，容易忘记一些句子成分。
3.表达尽量多样化，pay attention 出现的次数比较多，试试换一种说法，比如 more investment，put in a more important position等等。
4.从写的几个主题句来看，其实大家想的都差不多就这几个点，但是怎么样把这几个点有逻辑的穿起来，使其更有说服力还是要费一番功夫的。我个人觉得应该把支持健康更重要的和支持环境更重要的观点分开来，想好之间的关系，然后选择连接词把他们连贯起来比较好。

LRXSSUID: 2695903

When it comes to whether the government should pay more attention on health care issues than onenvironmental issues.额 你这句后面的话呢？ However, in my opinion, i prefer government pay moreattention on environmental issues than on health care issues as my inclination 用得好 .My arguments for this point are listed as follows. 红色可省
I agree with the statement that the environmental issues are the most exigent problem in the first place. The lastdecades, as with the development of economy, most of the countries the去掉 前面countries 加所有格 environmentwas polluted more or less and some areas were even destroyed completely.So somecountries or areas are likely to can't adapt to live 不觉得很别扭吗  are not likely to adapt to live . For example, some lakes注意空格哦in southeast of China were throughout empoisoned empoisoned throughoutly and the water can't used todrink and even daily use. If someone drinks or use the water from those lakeswill feel uncomfortable or ill. So government must have to spend billions moneyto offer the clean water from other areas every year. The more essential factorw hy i I做我讲是大写 advocate the argument of the government should pay more attention onenvironmental problems is that...  表语从句呢？. Obviously a great deal of diseases are related to the empoisoned environment.# ^  v( b! b3 Q- b* ~$ Z& L; L: B
Furthermore, what is worth noticingfact is that the environment is more and more worsen 去掉 with the development , andthe harm to person will spread around the world. For example, the global dominooffect ？？of glasshouse already becomes one of the most global problems and thewater level is continuously risen. So these demonstrates the undeniable factthat not only government but also people both 去掉 should pay more attention onenvironmental issues.7 o" L6 K( f, h9 e1 T
Of course, government also pay attention on health care issues. : T1 [5 ~$ |- ?9 D1 d" f/ y 去掉
For practicaland emotional reasons, we need to pay more attention on environment and preserveour planet's environment.

1.语法问题需要注意
2.内容可以再丰富一点
3.结尾不是很好  应该总结重申你的观点