10.7菜鸟作文

doubledianUID: 2661760

Technology cause children show less creative than they were in past.

In the recent years, there is a general controversy over the issue whether technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. Although some people claim that new technology makes it convenient for children study, personally I prefer that new technology cause children show less creative than they were in past, and I will provide concrete evidences to demonstrate my point of view.


First and for most, it can not deny that new contrivances like computer, television and many other advanced goods bring numbers of convenience to our human beings. However, it is these new contrivances who make children show less creative than they were in past. They go to a net bar to play computer games or chatting on net after school. They don't go to the park to see different animals or call their friends out playing like they did in the past. These make children live with a fictitious world and far away from the real society.


In the second place, the technology today cause many disadvantages for children, even make them fall ill more easily than in the past. The radiations from computers and TVs make children's vision lower and lower. And this also let children lose their appetite, because they always play games and even forget eating food. No appetite of food, no activities to go out by food or use the blade well.



Last but not least, as the washing machine appearing more and more children use it to wash their clothes instead of using their hands to wash. Children even don't know how to take care of themselves when these machines disappear. Watching TV instead of going out to have fun, using
micro-wave oven to cook convenient food instead of investigating a homely meal. All these things make children lazier than in the past.



To sum up, it is glad to see more and more contrivances appear today, but the disadvantages that new technology brings for children should arouse more attention on it.

  

larcwingUID: 2528204

In the（去掉） recent years, there is a general controversy over the issue whether technology cause children show less creative than they were in (the) past. Although some people claim that new technology makes it convenient for children (to) study（或者就简单地说make study more convenient for children）, personally I prefer that new technology cause children show less creative than they were in (the) past, and I will provide concrete evidences to demonstrate my point of view.（这种句子ETS不喜欢的。。。不如简单的说my points/reasons are as follows）

First and for most, it(we) can not deny that new contrivances like computer, television and many other advanced goods(technical tools) bring numbers of（怪怪的。。。还不如用numerous） convenience to our human beings. However, it is these new contrivances who make children show less creative than they were in past. They go to a net bar to play computer games or chatting[/color(to chat) on net after school. They don't go to the park to see different animals or call their friends out playing(hang out with their friends) like they did in the past. These make children live with(in) a fictitious world and far away from the real society.（这段没有TS吧。。。有点奇怪。。。你后面的例子是证明哪个分论点很不清晰。。。。）

In the second place, the technology today cause many disadvantages for children, even make them fall ill more easily than in the past. The radiations from computers and TVs make children's vision lower and lower. And this also let children lose their appetite, because they always play games and even forget eating food. No appetite of food, no activities to go out by food or use the blade well.（这段后面的例子是证明fall ill的观点，首句前半部分不应该出现在TS当中。。。）

Last but not least, as the washing machine appearing(appears), more and more children use it to wash their clothes instead of using their hands to wash(washing by hands). Children even don't(won't) know how to take care of themselves when(if) these machines disappear. Watching TV instead of going out to have fun, using micro-wave oven to cook convenient food instead of investigating a homely meal（英语里没有这样的表达。。。很费解。。。）. All these things make children lazier than in the past.（还是没有TS。。。）

To sum up, it is glad to see more and more contrivances appear today, but the disadvantages that new technology brings (about) for children should arouse more attention on it.


尽管语言有些问题，表达不地道，不过这不是最重要的问题，最严重的问题是，你每一段都没有主题句，没有明确的有层次的分论点。。。。这就等于你的文章除了有几个transition words，其实还是没有什么结构的。。。
多练习下罗列分论点好好组织文章结构~~加油哦！！

zhengping001UID: 2689322

doubledian
Technology causechildren show less creative than they were in past.; u# V' K$ |$ ~!a8 k, U* c
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In the recent years, there is a general controversyover the issue whether technology cause children show less creative than theywere in past. Although some people claim that new technology makes itconvenient for children study, personally Iprefer that new technology cause children show less creative than they were inpast( 最好换个形式表达，如that new technology has the negative influence onthe creative growth of
children), and I will provide (some) concreteevidences to demonstrate my(the) point of view.- F) t1 v6 P$ @;e
- Z/ z! H/ M) S: l0 G#v

First and formost, it can not deny that new contrivances like computer, television and manyother advanced goods bring numbers of convenience to our human beings(being,为什么要是复数？).However, it is these new contrivances who make children show less creative than they were in past. They go to a net bar（internet bar）
to play computer games or chatting(chat,不定式后用原形)
on net（on-line,）after school. They don't go to the park to see different animals or call theirfriends out playing like (what) they did in the past. (最好与上句连起来用)These(Internet or new technology) make children live with(living in) a fictitious world and far away from the real society.. V#P# [- u8 |$ {* ~. w
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In the second place, the technology today（放前面）cause many disadvantages for children, even make them fall ill(falling) moreeasily（easy比较词一般用形容词） than in the past（可以换个before）. Theradiations from computers and TVs(最好不要用缩写形式) make children'svision lower and lower. And this also let children losing their appetite,because they always play games and even forget eating food. No appetite of food, no activities to go out byfood or use the blade well(没看懂).  W* ~6 B/ y) f: Y, B
+ w& M  B2 J) z* u$ K


Last but not least, as the washingmachine appearing（the appearance of washing machine）, more and more children use it to wash theirclothes instead of using their handsto wash(rather than by themselves).Children even don't know how to takecare of themselves when these machines disappear （此句如用上祈使句可能会更好，如somechildren will don't know how to live or study by themselves if without thesenew technologies）. Watching TV instead of going out to have fun, using/ X(r2 {1 t3 \0 v6 a2 l) ]/ o
micro-wave oven to cook convenient food instead of investigating a homely meal(还是用个主语较好). Allthese things make children lazier than in the past.

To sum up, it is glad to see more and more contrivances appear（appearing）today, but the disadvantages that (of)new technology brings forchildren should arouse more attention on it.

1.结构上：这文章结构是五段式，但不是说就是五个段落，中间几个段落的大意基本相同。
2.语法上：可能在写的时候时间很紧，有些地方没有太注意了
3.用词上：用词不要太单一，试着换用其他的词或句。如newtechnology cause children show less creative than they were in past
4.我也是刚开始试着写，能力也是有限，一起加油吧

如是_ivyUID: 2704554

In the recent years, there is a general controversy over the issue whether technology cause children show less creative than they were in past. Although some people claim that new technology makes it convenient for children (to) study, personally I prefer that new technology causes children show less creative than they were in past, and I will provide concrete evidences to demonstrate my point of view.

First and for most, it can not deny that new contrivances like computer, television and many other advanced goods bring numbers of convenience to our human beings. However, it is these new contrivances who (who?应该是that吧） make children show less creative than they were in past. They go to a net bar to play computer games or chatting on net after school. They don't go to the park to see different animals or call their friends out playing like they did in the past. These make children live with a fictitious world and far away from the real society这段没看到在论证你的观点，没有发现科技怎样让小朋友更不creative了

In the second place, the 不用the吧，我不是很确定，因为我的冠词用的还蛮混的 technology today causes many disadvantages for children, even make making吧?我也不是很确定了，但是make看起来怪怪的 them fall ill more easily than in the past. The radiations from computers and TVs make children's vision lower and lower. And this also let children lose their appetite, because they always play games and even forget eating food. No appetite of food, no activities to go out by food or use the blade well依旧没有围绕cause children show less creative在讲吧

Last but not least, as the washing machine appearing 加个逗号吧。more and more children use it to wash their clothes instead of using their hands to wash. Children even don't know how to take care of themselves when these machines disappear. Watching TV instead of going out to have fun, using micro-wave oven to cook convenient food instead of investigating a homely meal. All these things make children lazier than in the past这一段终于开始有跟creative有关了，但是觉得你还是没有论证。只是举了例子。看到开始两点，我几乎以为你把题目理解成了科技让小朋友们更没有生气了。因为前面的两段都是小朋友在看电视，没有出去玩，或者生病啦之类的

To sum up, it is glad to see more and more contrivances appearing today, but the disadvantages that new technology brings for children should arouse more attention on it.

我可能看作文的方法跟别人不同，因为我大学是学校打辩论的，算是辩手吧。我比较追求对一个观点论证的严密，即使这个观点是偏激的，而不是类似GER的issue写作是要论证全面。总的来说吧，你这篇文章没有说服力，因为理由不充分，没有给出为什么科技让小朋友没有创造力的理由，只有最后一段举例说明了，没有道理，也就是前面的T友说的，没有每段支持你论点的中心句，这个才是你一篇文章的核心。
自己的一点看法~~不好意思哈~~~