violin独立写作帖

cavadorisUID: 2646574

那些保持房间整洁有秩序地学生会更成功。
14:32-15:20
People are always talking about the question of success, if there is one —— upon which different people would hold various points of view —— then maybe it is not a single factor that attribute to success, but the combination of several. Some people would argue that the students, who keep their rooms tidy,
would have more inclination to be successful. Others, however, argue that there is no cause-and-effect relationship between a daily habit and success. Although the latter saying appears to be somewhat reasonable, the students with a good daily habit, in my opinion, will be more likely to realize their goals in the future, in light of the accumulated effect of a habit, the truly nature of success and the requirement of a successful person.

“Water constantly dripping wears holes in stone.” Indeed, sometimes it is the tiny details of life, with the ever-increasing power, that determine the ultimate results and even change one’s life. For one thing, as the trickles could become a stream and the stream will eventually turn into a torrent, all the detailed habits could be accumulated and thus exert insurmountable influence over one’s personality and life. The case of the interviews in modern society can illustrate this all too well. Recent years have witnessed a phenomenon that a growing number of companies tend to make emphasis on the interviewees’ detail when recruit merits: their dressing, their expression when asked about some certain types of questions, their gestures of speaking, and even their sitting postures —— which are too easy for the interviewees to ignore but, in some sense, so manifest that it do reflect one’s personality and character.

So let’s get down to some fundamentals —— the truly nature of success. It is highly possible that thousands people will account for thousands definitions of the term success, no one could deny, nevertheless, that success is not a business that can be undertaken in a day or swiftly improvised by a mere command of the will.
Success is frankly a long process, just like the sea filled with drops year by year; like the mountain piled up with stones month by month; like the edifice
fabricated by bricks day by day. Accordingly, I believe that to maintain a good habit such as cleaning up one’s room is what to accumulate steps towards success.

Some may argue that since no strong evidence directly link success with such tiny habits, the assertion should not be recognized. Admittedly, some students with such habits may fail to rank prior to some others whose rooms are untidy or may obtain comparatively lower scores. Nevertheless, what I am trying to demonstrate is not a concrete example, but a trend for the majority students or a overall situation and behind the situation, some general principals that could benefit more students. Moreover, it is not difficult to imagine that only if the students turn to some good habits in daily life, then it would exert a subtle influence on the cultivation of their personalities and qualities which are necessary in future competitions.

All in all, I feel quite comfortable to reach my point of view that students with tidy rooms, generally speaking, will be more competitive in the future and thus more possibly to succeed. “Rome is not built up in a day.” As a student, to keep daily habits and accumulate qualities is the most available and practical way to success.

shiwei83UID: 2680950

People are always talking about the question of success, if there is one —— upon which different people would hold various points of view —— then maybe it is not a single factor that attribute to success, but the combination of several. （这个句型用得很好，值得我学习） Some people would argue that the students, who keep their rooms tidy would have more inclination to be successful. Others, however, argue that there is no cause-and-effect relationship between a daily habit and success. Although the latter saying appears to be somewhat reasonable, the students with a good daily habit, in my opinion, will be more likely to realize their goals in the future, in light of the accumulated effect of a habit, the truly nature of success and the requirement of a successful person.
Water constantly dripping wears holes in stone”（这个成语用得好） Indeed, sometimes it is the tiny details of life, with the ever-increasing power, that determine the ultimate results and even change one’s life. For one thing, as the trickles could become a stream and the stream will eventually turn into a torrent, all the detailed habits could be accumulated and thus exert insurmountable influence over one’s personality and life. The case of the interviews in modern society can illustrate this all too well. Recent years have witnessed a phenomenon that a growing number of companies tend to make emphasis on the interviewees’ detail when recruit merits: their dressing, their expression when asked about some certain types of questions, their gestures of speaking, and even their sitting postures —— which are too easy for the interviewees to ignore but, in some sense, so manifest that it do reflect one’s personality and character.（你的本意是想说明细节决定成败，但我认为这不是本文论证的重点，几句带过即可。）
So let’s get down to some fundamentals —— the truly nature of success. It is highly possible that thousands people will account for thousands definitions of the term success, no one could deny, nevertheless, that success is not a business that can be undertaken in a day or swiftly improvised by a mere command of the will. Success is frankly a long process, just like the sea filled with drops year by year; like the mountain piled up with stones month by month; like the edifice
fabricated by bricks day by day.（三个排比句用得很好，赞一个） Accordingly, I believe that to maintain a good habit such as cleaning up one’s room is what to accumulate steps towards success.
Some may argue that since no strong evidence directly link success with such tiny habits, the assertion should not be recognized. Admittedly, some students with such habits may fail to rank prior to some others whose rooms are untidy or may obtain comparatively lower scores. Nevertheless, what I am trying to demonstrate is not a concrete example, but a trend for the majority students or a overall situation and behind the situation, some general principals that could benefit more students. Moreover, it is not difficult to imagine that only if the students turn to some good habits in daily life, then it would exert a subtle influence on the cultivation of their personalities and qualities which are necessary in future competitions.
All in all, I feel quite comfortable to reach my point of view that students with tidy rooms, generally speaking, will be more competitive in the future and thus more possibly to succeed. “Rome is not built up in a day.” （好词）As a student, to keep daily habits and accumulate qualities is the most available and practical way to success.
你的语言功底很强，真佩服你，能洋洋洒洒写这么长，我就不行，挤牙膏才能挤出320个词。主要问题有一点：就是要注意论证要紧扣主题，无关的论证尽量省略，避免让别人误解为离题。（个人水平有限，我的意见，仅供你参考，还望你多多指教）。

SilentScorpiusUID: 2686998

People are always talking about the question of success, if there is one —— upon which different people would hold various points of view —— then maybe it is not a single factor that attribute to success, but the combination of several. Some people would argue that the students, who keep their rooms tidy, would have more inclination to be successful. Others, however, argue that there is no cause-and-effect relationship between a daily habit and success. （这样的开头显得比较客观，容易展开，学习了）Although the latter saying appears to be somewhat reasonable, the students with a good daily habit, in my opinion, will be more likely to realize their goals in the future, in light of the accumulated effect of a habit, the truly nature of success and the requirement of a successful person.
Water constantly dripping wears holes in stone” Indeed, sometimes it is the tiny details of life, with the ever-increasing power, that determine the ultimate results and even change one’s life. For one thing, as the trickles could become a stream and the stream will eventually turn into a torrent, all the detailed habits could be accumulated and thus exert insurmountable influence over one’s personality and life. The case of the interviews in modern society can illustrate this all too well. Recent years have witnessed a phenomenon that a growing number of companies tend to make emphasis on the interviewees’ detail （复数）when recruit merits: their dressing, their expression when asked about some certain types of questions, their gestures of speaking, and even their sitting postures —— which are too easy for the interviewees to ignore but, in some sense, so manifest that it do （does）reflect one’s personality and character.(论证很充分)
    So let’s get down to some fundamentals —— the truly nature of success. It is highly possible that thousands people will account for thousands definitions of the term success, no one could deny, nevertheless, that success is not a business that can be undertaken in a day or swiftly improvised by a mere command of the will. （感觉跟第一点重复了）Success is frankly a long process, just like the sea filled with drops year by year; like the mountain piled up with stones month by month; like the edifice
Of a bricated by bricks day by day. Accordingly, I believe that to maintain a good habit such as cleaning up one’s room is what to accumulate steps towards success.
    Some may argue that since no strong evidence directly link success with such tiny habits, the assertion should not be recognized. Admittedly, some students with such habits may fail to rank prior to some others whose rooms are untidy or may obtain comparatively lower scores. Nevertheless, what I am trying to demonstrate is not a concrete example, but a trend for the majority students or a overall situation and behind the situation, some general principals that could benefit more students. Moreover, it is not difficult to imagine that only if the students turn to some good habits in daily life, then it would exert a subtle influence on the cultivation of their personalities and qualities which are necessary in future competitions.（能有点实际的例子可能会更有说服力）
    All in all, I feel quite comfortable to reach my point of view that students with tidy rooms, generally speaking, will be more competitive in the future and thus more possibly to succeed. “Rome is not built up in a day.” As a student, to keep daily habits and accumulate qualities is the most available and practical way to success.


LZ的论述很强大，用词和句型也很讲究，值得学习。不过第二个论点貌似和第一个重复了，可以重新组织一下，增加观点和具体例子.