12.7 一样还是与众不同 请砸

yuminjiaUID??2659628

12.7 Agree or disagree, in order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.
   The heated debate pertaining that whether to be similar to other or be different from else is under way. To be distinct from other people seems not harmony at first, but it will bring us more rewarding effect than to be similar to others. Therefore, I agree with the statement that you should be different from others, the characteristic which is apt to win success.
   To begin with, it is undeniable that someone who makes himself standout will gain more opportunity than others, thus leading to success. Take my experience for instance, once I attended an organization focusing on how to arrange a well-round study group. All the team members approved that we should find some volunteers to build this group. In contrast, I claimed my criticism that we should not rely volunteers to built this group, but encourage someone, who had less interesting on study, to attend. For this different suggestion, I was selected by my professor to be the chairman of this organization. Indeed, this group finally successed since I exerted an explicit plan following my perspective. I was so excited that when my plan had finally  paid off, while others lost this opportunity due to their similar opinions which couldn't attract the professor's attention.
   Furthermore, it is indisputable that the trait of being distinguished from others will make you more easily find your problem in a team. Take my team member's story for example. In our group discussion, she was the one who always dared to express her own ideas, which are distinct from others'. We usually spent some time to point out her mistakes in her unsound reasons. However, she would not feel shame but pleased to accept our opinion, making her gain more progress during the discussion. From my perspective, due to this distinct characteristic, she will get more beneficial experience, which is an essential ingredient for success.
   Judging from the evidences I mentioned above, I absolutely agree with the opinion that you should be more different from others than be similar, since you will attain success by get more hand-on experience from this characteristics.

  请不吝啬的砸,多谢

xueyiUID??2647060

The heated debate（hot topic/issue） pertaining (删掉) that whether to be similar to other（others） or be different from (everyone) else is under way. To be distinct from other people seems not harmony at first, but it will bring us more rewarding effect (more rewards) than to be similar to others. Therefore, I agree with the statement that you should be different from others, the characteristic which is apt to win success (be successful).

虽然这一段翻译成中文的话没问题，但不符合英语作文的逻辑。Therefore前面的那一句显然不足以支撑你的论断，因为你还完全没展开呢。但反过来说，这个逻辑就没问题了：你可以说你赞成与众不同，因为在你看来，与众不同可以带来成功。接下来再论述它是怎么带来成功的就好了。


   To begin with, it is undeniable that someone who makes himself standout（who stands out） will gain more opportunity than others, thus（这儿缺主语） leading to success. Take my experience for instance, once I attended an organization focusing on how to arrange a well-round（这个复合词在这儿是什么意思？） study group. All the team members （except me） approved that we should find some volunteers to build this group. In contrast, I claimed my criticism (I deemed) that we should not rely volunteers to built this group, but (to) encourage someone, who had less interesting (interest) on study, to attend. For this different suggestion, I was selected by my professor to be the chairman of this organization. Indeed, this group finally successed (succeeded) since I exerted an explicit plan following my perspective. I was so excited that when my plan had finally (been) paid off, while others lost this opportunity due to their similar opinions which couldn't attract the professor's attention.
仅仅是因为你的观点与众不同，而不管这个观点的对错，你就吸引到了教授的注意吗？说服力显然不够。你可以把说法稍微换一下。大家的观点是一种很稳妥、很常见的办法，但是你提出的观点，突破了常规却很有效，所以你吸引了教授的注意并担负起了领导工作。这样一改的话，是不是更好了呢？


Furthermore, it is indisputable（如果这里也用it is句型，第二段的首句不妨改为 we cannot deny，丰富句式的多样性） that the trait of being distinguished from others will make you more easily find your problem in a team. Take my team member's story for example.（My team member’s story is a good illustration. 要注意句式的改变） In our group discussion, she was the one who always dared to express her own ideas, which are distinct from others'. We usually spent some time to point out her mistakes in her unsound reasons. However, she would not feel shame but pleased to accept our opinion, making her gain more progress during the discussion. From my perspective（去掉这个“在我看来”，改用事实说话，她取得了xx成功，论述是不是显得更强大一些呢？）, due to this distinct characteristic, she will get more beneficial experience, which is an essential ingredient for success.
S
6 B" L+ d- g) E+ Y: n

Judging from the evidences（evidence） I mentioned above, I absolutely agree with the opinion that you should be more different from others than be similar, since you will attain success by get more hand-on (这不是个动词短语么？) experience from this characteristics (前面用this,后面怎么用了复数呢？)

可能是看惯了三段论，总觉得只有两段的论述会稍显单薄，因此就不那么具有说服力。如果还有时间练习的话，可以试着多写几个论点，毕竟论述的条数多了，底气就更足一点，对吧？第一段的展开还可以，但第二段似乎刚开始展开就急着收尾了，可能是时间不够？在修改这篇作文的时候，可以多花点时间和心思在上面，想想怎么把段落内的论述弄得有血肉，这样即使只有两个论点支撑，也不会显得那么单薄了。动词和句型要注意积累，不要整篇文章只有同一个动词、同一个句式在重复，这样可看性就会大大降低。总体还不错，继续加油！^-^

yuminjiaUID??2659628

someone who makes himself standout（who stands out） will gain more opportunity than others, thus（这儿缺主语） leading to success.
更正下语法,这里是动词ING,用在句尾表前句伴随的结果.不存在要加主语.是个ING用法.

well-round（这个复合词在这儿是什么意思？）  俺又拼错了 是well-rounded

hand-on (这不是个动词短语么？) experience  这个是固定词组 就是说切身的经验,俺是用来和practice /experience做同义词替换用的.

多谢楼上指点.我的时间控制不好,所以一直不写3段论展开.要把前面的2个例子说好说具体.

michael_beyondUID??2704216

The heated debate (pertaining去掉) that whether to be similar to others or be different from everyone else is under way. To be distinct from other people seems not harmony at first, but it will bring us more rewarding（rewards）  than to be similar to others. Therefore, I agree with the statement that you should be different from others, the characteristic which is apt to win success（be successful或者to be a success）. 7 x  E& j7 ~5 i3 \" F: l  G; z2 `+ [这段的评语和上面楼主说的评语那样，你可以先表明你的观点：你赞成与众不同，之后再一一展开，毕竟therefore是总结词语你前面还没有论据来支持你的论点，是吧。
   To begin with, it is undeniable that someone who makes himself (who)stand out (stand out 是动词)will gain more opportunity（opportunities） than others, thus leading to success（这句可以去掉，而且你也没写对）. Take my experience for instance, once I attended an organization focusing on how to arrange a well-round 这个词什么意思？study group. All（most of） the team members approved that we should find some volunteers to build this group. In contrast, I claimed (gived)my criticism that we should not rely(on) volunteers to built this group, but encourage someone, who had less interesting on(interest in) study, to attend. For this different suggestion, I was selected by my professor to be the chairman of this organization. Indeed, this group finally successed(succeeded) since I exerted an explicit plan following my perspective. I was so excited that when my plan had finally  (been)paid off, while others lost this opportunity due to their similar opinions which couldn't attract the professor's attention. 感觉你的句子与句子之间的衔接不是很好，肯能是你支持你论点的论据写的不具说服力，你只是一带而过哦
; e# m1 F7 l6 L/ k4 t   Furthermore, it is indisputable that the trait of being distinguished from others will make you more easily find your problem in a team. Take my team member's story for example. In our group discussion, she was the one who always dared to express her own ideas, which are distinct from others'. We usually spent some time to point out her mistakes in her unsound reasons. However, she would not feel shame but pleased to accept our opinion, making her gain more progress during the discussion. From my perspective, due to this distinct characteristic, she will get more beneficial experience, which is an essential ingredient for success.+ e; X: H8 o7 k这段的评语和上面楼主一样吧，要注意句子结构多样化来增添文采
   Judging from the evidences（evidence） I mentioned above, I absolutely agree with the opinion （we may safely draw the conclusion还是注意句子多样化）that you should be more different from others than be similar, since you will attain success by get more hand-on ？？experience from this （these）characteristics.
. x* [' Z) C$ d. l7 ~2 `. A

yuminjiaUID??2659628

thus leading to success（这句可以去掉，而且你也没写对）. 哪里没写对啊?
很明显的分词在句尾表结果伴随啊

shiwei83UID??2680950

The heated debate pertaining that whether to be similar to other or be different from else is under way. To be distinct from other people seems not harmony at first, but it will bring us more rewarding effect than to be similar to others. Therefore, I agree with the statement that you should be different from others, the characteristic which is apt to win success.
   To begin with, it is undeniable that someone who makes himself standout will gain more opportunity than others, thus leading to success. Take my experience for instance, once I attended an organization focusing on how to arrange a well-round study group. All the team members approved that we should find some volunteers to build this group. In contrast, I claimed my criticism that we should not rely volunteers to built this group, but encourage someone, who had less interesting on study, to attend. For this different suggestion, I was selected by my professor to be the chairman of this organization. Indeed, this group finally successed since I exerted an explicit plan following my perspective. I was so excited that when my plan had finally  paid off, while others lost this opportunity due to their similar opinions which couldn't attract the professor's attention（这个例子举得很好）.
   Furthermore, it is indisputable that the trait of being distinguished from others will make you more easily （to）find your problem in a team. Take my team member's story for example. In our group discussion, she was the one who always dared to express her own ideas, which are distinct from others. We usually spent some time to point out her mistakes in her unsound reasons. However, she would not feel shame but pleased to accept our opinion, （which） making her gain more progress during the discussion. From my perspective, due to this distinct characteristic, she will get more beneficial experience, which is an essential ingredient for success.
   Judging from the evidences I mentioned above, I absolutely agree with the opinion that you should be more different from others than be similar, since you will attain success by get more hand-on experience from this characteristics.
总体上来说，你的作文已经写得不错了，说个吹毛求疵的意见，就是你在文章结尾不妨简单提一提：要成功也不能太异类，要和别人有共同点，才能交流合作。这样论证就全面了。另外，还要注意句子的多样性（其实我这点也做得不好，总喜欢用简单句）