issue130 【红尘笑看沧桑】互改小组第12次作业 by moon

bigeyes_1314UID: 2736288

12.28.2009
题目：ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
用时：00:45:00
日期：2009/12/28 20:35:33


The author asserts that the destiny of society is determined by how children are socialized. In my point of view, socialization is vital for children. However, how children are socialized today is not the only factor which affects the destiny of society. Meanwhile, we are on the process of learning how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

In the first place, socialization is essential for children. Children are the future of the whole society, so the education of children produces crucial roles in the development of society. Children learn how to cooperate with each other through socialization which will produce favorable impacts on their future job, they learn how they behave in different situations through socialization. They master different skills which will be beneficial to their future life.

However, there are lots of aspects which affect the destiny of society such as a perfect social system, economic and political policies and systems. Every society should choose its own social system and policies which can promote the development of society. If the social system and policy are not suitable for the society, the society is doomed to extinct.

Have we learnt how to raise children to help bring about a better society? The question which is linked to this is that how we can raise and educate children to help bring about a better society. Admittedly, socialization of children is a virtue which we educate children and helps enhance the development of society. Meanwhile, an effective education system in a society determines how we raise and cultivate children in the society. Along with the development of the society, we should adapt education system and policies to different social situations and this characteristics of education determines that it is really a long process till we learn how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. Actually we are on the way of learning how to educate and raise children effectively.

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that although socialization is important for the growth of children, it does not determine the destiny of society. Furthermore, we cannot deny the effective of our education which plays favorable roles in the process of the growth of children.
题目：ARGUMENT179 - The following is a memorandum written by the director of personnel to the president of the Cedar Corporation.

"It would be a mistake to rehire the Good-Taste Company to supply the food in our employee cafeteria next year. It is the second most expensive caterer in the city. In addition, its prices have risen in each of the last three years, and it refuses to provide meals for people on special diets. Just last month three employees complained to me that they no longer eat in the cafeteria because they find the experience 'unbearable.' Our company should instead hire Discount Foods. Discount is a family-owned local company and it offers a varied menu of fish and poultry. I recently tasted a sample lunch at one of the many companies that Discount serves and it was delicious-an indication that hiring Discount will lead to improved employee satisfaction."

15:06:06


In the argument, the arguer concludes that it would be a mistake to rehire the Good-Taste Company instead of hiring Discount. To support his conclusion, he cites that in each of the last three years, the prices in the Good-taste Company have risen and it refuses to provide meals for people on special diets. In addition, he states that Discount is a family-owned local company and it offers a varied menu of fish and poultry, so he recommends that hiring Discount will lead to improved employee satisfaction. The memo is well-presented, but not thoroughly well-reasoned. It is flawed in several aspects.

First of all, the director failed to provide us the reason why Good-Taste Company is the second most expensive caterer in the city and the reason why its price have risen in each of the last three years.
Perhaps food in Good-Taste Company is higher quality and delicious, or perhaps the service in the company is better than any others in the city. Or maybe the prices in other food caterers has risen because of the whole rising food price.

Secondly, the director did not provide enough details about why three employees complained about the Good-Taste Company. He only mentioned that these three employees' unbearable experience. However, what happened to them in the company. Maybe these three employees don't like the taste of Good-Taste, so they complained about it. There are so many employees, the director only showed three employees' complain and conclude that rehiring Good-Taste is a mistake which cannot make the conclusion persuasive.

Third, there are not sufficient evidences to show that Discount is a perfect company for the employees. Everyone has different tastes toward the same food. Discount is a family-owned company, there must be some employees who do not like the taste of Discount. Meanwhile, Discount offers a varied menu of fish and poultry, there must be some employees who do not like fish or poultry. It is unpersuasive that the director tasted a lunch at one of the Discount companies and he thought it is delicious. What about other employees’ ideas about the food in Discount? The director should provide the varied and colorful menu of Discount to assure the employees that they will prefer Discount to Good-Taste.

In sum, to make the argument persuasive, the director should analyze the reason of the rised prices and the disadvantages of the Good-Taste Company. He also should provide enough evidence to convince us that Discount is a perfect one for the employee and will improve their satisfaction.

暖羊羊UID: 2738218

第一段：
没有on the process of的用法，固定搭配是in the process of。

第二段：
produces显然用错了，搭配是play a … role in；

impact作名词讲，是不可数名词，搭配是have an impact on或者make an impact on，不能说produce an impact on；

their future job最好改为their future jobs；

they learn how they behave与之前的分句呈并列关系，但是中间没有连词，显然是不对的，可以改为and how to behave(后面不变)，与前面的how to cooperate对照；

be beneficial to这部分可以考虑用动词，They master different skills that will benefit them in the long run。

第三段：
最后一个the society罗嗦，可以直接用it；还有society和extinct是不搭配的，你可以说species灭绝。

第四段：
a virtue which we educate children很奇怪；

Meanwhile这句，又重复了两次in the/a society；

Characteristics用错，应该是单数；

on the way of是不对的，应该用on the way to。

Comment：
1. 字数不够，虽然时间用了三刻钟；
2. 说理不到位，一堆一堆的车轱辘话；
3. 掌握的语法结构单一，定语从句用得过于频繁；
4. 词汇的掌握有问题，广度和深度都不行，题目里的语句反复出现。