【clover】issue243习作 by 黑竹

黑竹UID: 2753377

TOPIC: ISSUE243 - "The true value of a civilization is reflected in its artistic creations rather than in its scientific accomplishments."
WORDS: 351          TIME: 00:55:53          DATE: 2010-2-4 0:04:49

The comparative value of art and science lies in the eye of the individual beholser. Different people may have different view about the value of the same art or science. Meanwhile, The term "value" is not adequately defined in this statement. With different means of the term value, we can come to different conclusions.

First, the value of art and science is different in different people's minds. A person who is more emotional, or who has heightened aesthetic sensibilities, will tend to agree with the speaker that the value of art is more significant than the value of science. On the other hand, a person who is more analytical or cognitive by nature might tend to disagree with the speaker. Thus the speaker's claim is somewhat subjective.

Secondly, the term "value" is not adequately defined. If the speaker means "value" as the extent to which later civilization depend on earlier artistic and scientific accompishments, I can't agree with the speaker's claim. As we know, many great scientific accomplishments build on prior ones. Even if new discoveries disprove old theories, the old wrong theory is still useful in building the new ones. In contrast, artistic accomplishment has little to do with the past artistic accomplishments. Art is independent of prior art. Artists draw inspiration not only from other art but also from the world around them. In short, if the value of an accomplishment lies simply in the extent to which subsequent accomplishments depend on it, then the speaker's claim is fundamentally wrong.

However, if the "value" means the extent to which a scientific or artistic accomplishment makes the world a better place for fuman overall, then the speaker's claim is merit. No great artistic accomplishment has brought about war, disease or any threat to eh quality of life for any civilization. To the contrary, great art only serves to lift the human spirit in the face of the so-called progress that scientific accomplishments brings about.

Therefor, on balence I agree with the speaker that the value of a civilization- in the long term- lies more in its artistic than science accomplishments.

JulymayUID: 2645085

占楼~改作文去了……




The comparative value of art and science lies in the eye of the individual beholser(这个词可能有问题，再看下). Different people may have different view about the value of the same art or science. Meanwhile, The（the）
term "value" is not adequately defined in this statement. With different means of the term value, we can come to different conclusions.（主题句）

First, the value of art and science is different in different people's minds. A person who is more emotional, or who has heightened aesthetic sensibilities, will tend to agree with the speaker that the value of art is more significant than the value of science. On the other hand, a person who is more analytical or cognitive by nature might tend to disagree with the speaker. Thus the speaker's claim is somewhat subjective.（到此为止的论述可以理解，但是不够有力。如果在不同人不同观点的这个结论之后加一个实际的例子，可能就更有说服力了）

Secondly, the term "value" is not adequately defined. If the speaker means "value" as the extent to which later civilization depend on earlier artistic and scientific accompishments（拼写错误~）（这句话有点突兀，我觉得如果在此之前就先交代一下value的定义可能是哪几种也许会更加清晰一点）, I can't agree with the speaker's claim（注意到了词汇替换，学习了~）. As we know, many great scientific accomplishments build on prior ones. Even if new discoveries disprove old theories, the old wrong theory is still useful in building the new ones. In contrast, artistic accomplishment has little to do with the past artistic accomplishments. Art is independent of prior art. Artists draw inspiration not only from other art but also from the world around them. In short, if the value of an accomplishment lies simply in the extent to which subsequent accomplishments depend on it, then the speaker's claim is fundamentally wrong.（分析到位，采用总分形式，条理清晰，赞一个。但还是希望能出现有力的例子~）

However, if the "value" means the extent to which a scientific or artistic accomplishment makes the world a better place for fuman （是不是human？））overall, then the speaker's claim is merit. No great artistic accomplishment has brought about war, disease or any threat to eh quality of life for any civilization. （这句话过于武断，建议再斟酌。）To the contrary, great art only serves to lift the human spirit in the face of the so-called progress that scientific accomplishments brings about.（介意改成While……句型，这样容易表达小黑你要表达的art 和 science的相对照的思想。另外，要考虑连词的用法哦~）

Therefore, on balence （拼错了哟~）I agree with the speaker that the value of a civilization- in the long term- lies more in its artistic than science accomplishments.（结尾段既然是总结，就要把整体观点都陈述出来，而这一段就只说了一半哦~~）


那么，总结一下：整体思路清晰。总分总的形式没什么大问题，结构也完整。希望小黑在论述的时候多穿插一点例子，这样会比较有说服力。然后就是在留意连词的用法，有意识地把连词添加进去哦~加油~~还是很棒的！

黑竹UID: 2753377

修改后的



The comparative value of art and science lies in the eye of the individual beholder. Different people may have different view about the value of the same art or science. Meanwhile, the term "value" is not adequately defined in this statement. With different means of the term value, we can come to different conclusions.

First, the value of art and science is different in different people's minds. A person who is more emotional, or who has heightened aesthetic sensibilities, will tend to agree with the speaker that the value of art is more significant than the value of science. On the other hand, a person who is more analytical or cognitive by nature might tend to disagree with the speaker. Thus the speaker's claim is somewhat subjective.


Secondly, the term "value" is not adequately defined. If the speaker means "value" as the extent to which later civilization depend on earlier artistic and scientific accomplishments, I can't agree with the speaker's claim. As we know, many great scientific accomplishments build on prior ones. Even if new discoveries disprove old theories, the old wrong theory is still useful in building the new ones. In contrast, artistic accomplishment has little to do with the past artistic accomplishments. Art is independent of prior art. Artists draw inspiration not only from other art but also from the world around them. In short, if the value of an accomplishment lies simply in the extent to which subsequent accomplishments depend on it, then the speaker's claim is fundamentally wrong.


However, if the "value" means the extent to which a scientific or artistic accomplishment makes the world a better place for human overall, then the speaker's claim is merit. No great artistic accomplishment has brought about war, disease or any threat to eh quality of life for any civilization. To the contrary, great art only serves to lift the human spirit in the face of the so-called progress that scientific accomplishments brings about.


Therefore, on balance I agree with the speaker that the value of a civilization- in the long term- lies more in its artistic than science accomplishments.

a08805436UID: 2725634

TOPIC: ISSUE243 - "The true value of a civilization is reflected in its artistic creations rather than in its scientific accomplishments."

The comparative value of art and science lies in the eye of the individual beholder. Different people may have different view(s) about the value of the same art or science. Meanwhile, the term "value" is not adequately defined in this statement. With different means of the term value, we can come to different conclusions.
First, the value of art and science is different in different people's minds. A person who is more emotional, or who has heightened aesthetic sensibilities, will tend to agree with the speaker that the value of art is more significant than the value of science. On the other hand, a person who is more analytical or cognitive by nature might tend to disagree with the speaker. Thus the speaker's claim is somewhat subjective.
Secondly, the term "value" is not adequately defined. If the speaker means "value" as the extent to which later civilization depend on earlier artistic and scientific accomplishments, I can't agree with the speaker's claim. As we know, many great scientific accomplishments build on prior ones. Even if new discoveries disprove old theories, the old wrong theory is still useful in building the new ones. In contrast, artistic accomplishment has little to do with the past artistic accomplishments. Art is independent of prior art. Artists draw inspiration not only from other art but also from the world around them. In short, if the value of an accomplishment lies simply in the extent to which subsequent accomplishments depend on it, then the speaker's claim is fundamentally wrong.
However, if the "value" means the extent to which a scientific or artistic accomplishment makes the world a better place for human overall, then the speaker's claim is merit（这里对范文的改写没改对）. No great artistic accomplishment has brought about war, disease or any threat to eh quality of life for any civilization. To the contrary, great art only serves to lift the human spirit in the face of the so-called progress that scientific accomplishments brings about.(尽量少用北美范文的观点)

Therefore, on balance I agree with the speaker that the value of a civilization- in the long term- lies more in its artistic than science accomplishments.

我们建议学习范文，主要学习它的文字技巧和论点的展开方法，而绝对不是观点的全盘接受。这样的文章一旦出现在考场上，是极有可能判雷同卷的，请作者深思慎用
个人观点 仅供参考                                      by a08805436