【Big Fish】习作-2.25 Argument238-By Narashy

NarashyUID: 2602795

In this argument, the speaker draws the conclusion that more business and computer technology courses should be offered and additional job counselors need to be hired so as to help graduates find employment. To substantiate his/her recommendation, the speaker cites the fact that the percent of employments at nearby Green Mountain College where more business courses and more job counselors are available, which is 90, leads Mira Vista College by 20 percent. While appealing, the conclusion relies on several unsubstantiated assumptions which render it distrustable as it stands.

First the speaker does not provide enough evidence that the employment condition at Mira Vista College is not so good as that in Green Mountain. It is entirely possible that many accomplished graduates have fountd their satisfied job without informing the placement office, which makes the the number of 70 percent high suspectable. In addtion the speaker fails to provide information about the graduates of Green Mountain College. Are their jobs full-time and can they get their job within three months after graduation. Without a fair comparison, the percentage of graduates who find jobs can not provide sufficient support to the conclusion.

Second, even the comparison follows a fair procedure and the employment condition in Mira Vista College is poor, it does not follow that more courses and job counselors would help. It appears reasonable that students would spend much more time on completing the homework, project and presentation offered by the newly-added course, leaving them less time for seeking appropriate company and preparing for job interviews, which is definitely harmful for employment. Similarly, the author fails to provide any evidence that job counselors would help to improve the competitivity of the graduates by helping composing their resume and interviewing skills.

In addition, as we all know, there are many other alternatives that the speaker should take into account. Such alternatives may include, the positions of the two schools and their teaching resources. It is possible that there are many companies lying at Green Mountain College which leads a high rate of employment. Teaching resources is another important factor that would have direct connections with the quality of their graduates.

To sum up, the speaker does not present sufficient evidence to support his conclusion. To confirm me the recommendation, the speaker should provide the concrete statistics of the employment at two college as well as the teaching resources respectively. To better evaluate the conclusion, more information about the courses and job counselors shoud  be provided.

missingusaUID: 2625832

请lz注意正确的发帖格式, 相关内容可以参考这个帖子:
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1042201

修改完后, 请通过站内短消息pm我一下, 谢谢^^

jenius4869UID: 2659821

In this argument, the speaker draws the conclusion that more business and computer technology courses should be offered and additional job counselors need to be hired so as to help graduates find employment. To substantiate his/her recommendation, the speaker cites the fact that the percent of employments at nearby Green Mountain College where more business courses and more job counselors are available, which is 90, leads Mira Vista College by 20 percent. While appealing, the conclusion relies on several unsubstantiated assumptions which render it distrustable as it stands.

First（Firstly or At first.） the speaker does not provide enough evidence that the employment condition at Mira Vista College is not so good as that in(at,前面用的是at) Green Mountain. It is entirely possible that many accomplished graduates have fountd their satisfied job without informing the placement office, which makes the the number of 70 percent high suspectable. In addtion the speaker fails to provide information about the graduates of Green Mountain College. Are their jobs full-time and can they get their job within three months after graduation.(问号) Without a fair comparison, the percentage of graduates who find （have found）jobs can not provide sufficient support to the conclusion.

Second, even the comparison follows a fair procedure and the employment condition in Mira Vista College is poor（poorer than Green Mountains College）, it does not (naturally, necessarily,certainly...加强下语气会不会更好~)follow that more courses and job counselors would help. It appears reasonable that students would spend much more time on completing the homework, project and presentation offered by the newly-added course, leaving them less time for seeking appropriate company and preparing for job interviews, which is definitely harmful for employment. Similarly, the author fails to provide any evidence that job counselors would help to improve the competitivity of the graduates by helping composing their resume and interviewing skills.

In addition, as we all know, there are many other alternatives that the speaker should take into account. Such alternatives may include, the positions of the two schools and their teaching resources. It is possible that there are many companies lying at （near吧~）Green Mountain College which leads a high rate of employment（就算在学校附近怎么就导致高就业啦，可以改成provide a convenient for Green..'s graduates to find a job there ahead of graduate from Mira.. ）. Teaching resources is another important factor that would have direct connections with the quality of their graduates.

To sum up, the speaker does not present sufficient evidence to support his conclusion. To confirm me the recommendation, the speaker should provide the concrete statistics of the employment at two college as well as the teaching resources respectively. To better evaluate the conclusion, more information about the courses and job counselors shoud  be provided.

文章写得不错，衔接过渡都不错，就提一点，我是先写这个argument犯的最严重的一个问题，是因果关系，就是你的第二点，我觉得这是主线，所以我放在最先写，我也不知道到底写argument有没有逻辑抨击点的先后，像你这样让步写应该也可以吧。有待讨论~