argument241——欢迎各种拍砖

yuling-10GUID: 2849632

In this memo, the author claims that the employees laid off form XYZ benefited greatly from personnel firm, helping those employees find jobs, and because the Delany Personnel Firm is superior, the XYZ company now should not replace the Delany Personnel Firm with the Walsh Personnel Firm. To support this claim, the author cites the evidence that those laid-off employees found jobs much more quickly with the help of the Delany Personnel Firm and makes a comparison between the two companies. At first glance of the argument, it seems logical, however, after careful examination of the supporting evidence, reveals that it lends little credible support to the author's claim.

First of all, to support the claim that the laid-off employees benefited greatly from the Delany's services, the author cites the fact that last year those laid-off employees consulting Delany found jobs faster than those not. However, it is entirely possible that these employees are originally good at writing resumes and interviewing. Besides, the author did not provide any evidence that those who used Delany found jobs better than those not. Perhaps because those jobs were worse, those employees could find jobs much more quickly. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author can not claim that the Delany's services are beneficial.

Second, the author disagrees the replace of the Delany Personnel Firm. To support his or her claim, the author cites an evidence happened eight years' ago. However, the economic environment may vary during the recent eight years. It is entirely possible that the economic is much more depressed at that time than today; thus, finding a job is much more difficult at that time. And it was the instruction of Walsh' services that helped half of the laid-off employees find jobs with a year. As the memo fails to show any information about these, I cannot be convinced at this.

Furthermore, the author unfairly assumes that the Delany Personnel Firm is superior. The evidence that the Delany Personnel Firm has bigger staff and more branch offices lends little support to the assumption. There is no evidence in the memo that Delany is more effective than Walsh. It is possible that because the Delany is less effective, it has bigger staff and larger amount of branch offices. If this is the case, it weakens the assumption.

Finally, to further support the assumption that the Delany is superior, the author makes a comparison of the average time of finding jobs between the two companies. However, there are many factors' rather than the company's services that influence the process of finding jobs. Perhaps the quality of the Delany's clients are better than that of the Walsh's; therefore, the average time of finding jobs is different. Moreover, it is possible that the industries of the Walsh's clients are more competitive than that of Delany's. In addition, probably the average time of finding jobs of the Walsh's clients are less in recent years except last year. There is no evidence about these in the memo. These further weaken the assumption.

In sum, the memo is unpersuasive. To strengthen the argument, the author should provide more evidences that the laid-off employees certainly have benefited from the personnel firm's services. To better evaluate the assumption, I would need more information about the effectiveness, the clients of the two companies.

追梦小木耳UID: 2781857

哈哈~
我也刚发这一篇~
一会儿给你改

追梦小木耳UID: 2781857

1# yuling-10G
In this memo, the author claims that the employees laid off form XYZ benefited greatly from personnel firm, helping those employees find jobs, and because the Delany Personnel Firm is superior, the XYZ company now should not replace the Delany Personnel Firm with the Walsh Personnel Firm. To support this claim, the author cites the evidence that those laid-off employees found jobs much more quickly with the help of the Delany Personnel Firm and makes a comparison between the two companies. At first glance of the argument, it seems logical, however, after careful examination of the supporting evidence, reveals that it lends little credible support to the author's claim. (reveal少主语）

First of all, to support the claim that the laid-off employees benefited greatly from the Delany's services, the author cites the fact that last year those laid-off employees consulting Delany found jobs faster than those who did not. However, it is entirely possible that these employees are originally good at writing resumes and interviewing.（没有展开说） Besides, the author did not provide any evidence that those who used Delany found jobs better than those not. Perhaps because those jobs were worse, those employees could find jobs much more quickly. (这句话连用两个those,尽量避免语言的重复)Without ruling out these possibilities, the author can not claim that the Delany's services are beneficial.

Second, the author disagrees with the replacereplacement of the Delany Personnel Firm. To support his or her claim, the author cites an evidence happened eight years' ago. However, the economic environment may vary during the recent eight years. It is entirely possible that the economic economy is much more depressed at that time than today; thus, finding a job is much more difficult at that time. And it was the instruction of Walsh' services that helped half of the laid-off employees find jobs with a year. As the memo fails to show any information about these, I cannot be convinced at this.

Furthermore, the author unfairly assumes that the Delany Personnel Firm is superior. The evidence that the Delany Personnel Firm has bigger staff and more branch offices lends little support to the assumption. There is no evidence in the memo that Delany is more effective than Walsh. It is possible that because the Delany is less effective, it has bigger staff and larger amount of branch offices. If this is the case, it weakens the assumption.(这两句话又连用几个it,考虑考虑用从句）

Finally, to further support the assumption that the Delany is superior, the author makes a comparison of the average time of finding jobs between the two companies. However, there are many factors' rather than the company's services that influence the process of finding jobs. Perhaps the quality of the Delany's clients are better than that of the Walsh's（员工的质量好不就是提供的服务好吗？？？）; therefore, the average time of finding jobs is different. Moreover, it is possible that the industries of the Walsh's clients are more competitive than that of Delany's. In addition, probably the average time of finding jobs of the Walsh's clients are less in recent years except last year. There is no evidence about these in the memo. These further weaken the assumption.（缺主语）

In sum, the memo is unpersuasive. To strengthen the argument, the author should provide more evidences that the laid-off employees certainly have benefited from the personnel firm's services. To better evaluate the assumption, I would need more information about the effectiveness, the clients of the two companies.（这个短句和前面那个长句什么关系？？？）


注意语法和拼写。错的多了会容易使读者误解意思的
结构不错，论述充分
句子有点简单，缺少变化，可以多用些从句，减少累赘

colin8741UID: 2835824

我觉得楼上改的很详细了，我就不改了~