ISSUE104 觉得对自己都没有说服力 如果不改进我觉得没有什么希望了:(

86390216UID: 2102486

------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：40分31秒     516 words
从2005年6月9日15时15分到2005年6月9日15时40分
------题目------
It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears.
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What is the primary method that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears? The speaker thinks that it is the most primary method is formal education. I hold the opinion that although the formal education is an important way to perpetuate the ideas a culture favors and discredit the ideas it fears, we should not neglect the other methods such as family education and public opinions.

Formal education can very important in one's life, because almost everyone in today's society will get formal education to learn knowledge and technology, to learn how to communicate and cooperate with others, to learn what the idea that one's culture favors or fears is. For example, the students will work hard; make a lot of friends in school. What is the reason they are doing so? I think it is the teacher tells them that hard working will bring them success in studying and further work and making a lot of friends will help them live happier and easier. Students will try their best to satisfy their teachers to be as a good student. Telling lies and drugging is what the education fears. In general, people who have got formal education will not do those things their cultures fears.

Family education also plays a vital part in perpetuating the ideas one culture favors and discrediting the ideas if fears. Before children go to school for formal education, they have been influenced by their families. Parents will tell children a lot of stories, which carry the ideas that a culture tries to perpetuate and discredit. Those stories are passing from one generation to another, perpetuate such ideas as hard-working, kind-hearted and cooperation. Parents will tell children many things to help them to form their opinions.  The most identify example is that family education teach children to honor old people and care younger ones. A famous tale is about a child who gave large pear to his brother and left the small one for himself. The child is considered to be the example of children. When people at early time they will get the ideas without unconvincing and wholly.

There are a lot of other methods that a culture to perpetuate and discredit the ideas. In the ancient times, public opinion is very strong especially that people did not offer translate from one place to another. If people who will what the public likes, he/she will be honored by people. However if people did what the public fear, he/she would be criticized by people. In today's society, although people can have a larger area to go, the media is stronger and stronger. The public always put up an example that has the ideas that the culture tries to perpetuate in a short time. The strong influence of the media makes people get a lot of ideas conscious and unconscious.

Formal education is a primary way for a culture to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas if fares. A culture also can through the family education and public opinion to influent people.
我自己列本文缺点:
1 例子恐怕过于绝对 轻易可以驳斥 不足说明问题
2 段与段之间缺乏过渡与链接 整体的效果达不到
3 语言表达非常平庸 没有亮点 一点也没有 呜呜

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-11 at 12:14 ]

86390216UID: 2102486

大家给点改进意见吧 今天都不想写了 唉 帮帮忙啊

iPodUID: 2105485

我来占个座~

86390216UID: 2102486

谢谢IPOD 一定要狠狠批 给我提改进意见 我回拍你 真的很想有人来批这一篇 因为觉得是写出来感觉最不好 快绝望的一篇 甚至影响了我这几天的写作 提不起勇气啊！！！

86390216UID: 2102486

就是这样，如果把他ISSUE的一个个表达段落看成一篇篇ARGUMENT的话，那么其中可以攻击的点实在太多了，比如自己的结论犯了“假性因果”而忽略了其他可能的理由，或者自己的例证不足、过于特殊而无法信服地支持结论等等，也就是说ISSUE论题的陈述根本无法让阅卷者以及其他任何读者包括他自己作者在内信服！！！问题出来了吧？怎么解决？
juel

iPodUID: 2105485

ISSUE104觉得对自己都没有说服力 如果不改进我觉得没有什么希望了:(

------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：40分31秒     516 words
从2005年6月9日15时15分到2005年6月9日15时40分
------题目------
It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears.
------正文------
What is the primary method that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears? The speaker thinks that it is the most primary method is formal education. I hold the opinion that although the formal education is an important way to perpetuate the ideas a culture favors and discredit the ideas it fears,[ 重复了，可以换一种表达方式啊]  we should not neglect the other methods such as family education and public opinions.

Formal education can very important in one's life, because almost everyone in today's society will get formal education to learn knowledge and technology, to learn how to communicate and cooperate with others, to learn what the idea that one's culture favors or fears is. For example, the students will work hard; make a lot of friends in school. What is the reason they are doing so? I think it is the teacher tells them that hard working will bring them success in studying and further work and making a lot of friends will help them live happier and easier. Students will try their best to satisfy their teachers to be as a good student.[这里真的有点绝对] Telling lies and drugging is what the education fears. [这里突然冒出LIE AND DRUG有些突兀，有点过度会比较好一点吧] In general, people who have got formal education will not do those things their cultures fears.

Family education also plays a vital part in perpetuating the ideas one culture favors and discrediting the ideas if fears. Before children go to school for formal education, they have been influenced by their families. Parents will tell children a lot of stories, which carry the ideas that a culture tries to perpetuate and discredit. Those stories are passing from one generation to another, perpetuate such ideas as hard-working, kind-hearted and cooperation. Parents will tell children many things to help them to form their opinions.  The most identify example is that family education teach children to honor old people and care younger ones. A famous tale is about a child who gave large pear to his brother and left the small one for himself. The child is considered to be the example of children. When people at early time they will get the ideas without unconvincing and wholly.

There are a lot of other methods that a culture to perpetuate and discredit the ideas. In the ancient times, public opinion is very strong especially that people did not offer translate from one place to another. If people who will what the public likes, he/she will be honored by people. However if people did what the public fear, he/she would be criticized by people. In today's society, although people can have a larger area to go, the media is stronger and stronger. The public always put up an example that has the ideas that the culture tries to perpetuate in a short time. The strong influence of the media makes people get a lot of ideas conscious and unconscious.

Formal education is a primary way for a culture to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas if fares. A culture also can through the family education and public opinion to influent people.
我自己列本文缺点:
1 例子恐怕过于绝对 轻易可以驳斥 不足说明问题
2 段与段之间缺乏过渡与链接 整体的效果达不到
3 语言表达非常平庸 没有亮点 一点也没有 呜呜

其实你也不要太悲观，有时我也和你一样，写不出满意的文章，又不知怎么办。多给自己总结经验教训吧，看看自己的不足在哪，才好下手改进啊。
个人觉得你这篇文章最大的缺点是 整篇都在重复说一个问题：除FORMAL EDUCATION外还有其他方法来perpetuate the ideas a culture favors and discredit the ideas it fears。 其实这只能组成一个TS，不足以构成整篇文章。其实还有很多其他的TS啊，如从FORMAL EDUCATION的类型下手，我就是写他对PRIMARY EDUCATION有用，但对HIGHER EDUCATION则行不通。再写你的TS，再来一个让步。会不会好一些呢？这只是我的个人观点，你有什么不同的想法欢迎和我讨论讨论啊。