argument76 同主题 第一次写 拍阿拍阿 有志之士都来拍阿。。

mvpzhuangUID：205051

Argument76------The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.
"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."
A.那些志愿者是否有足够的代表性？
B.提到的科学研究是如何进行的？数据是如何处理的？权威度和可信度如何？
C.试验结果质疑。 (Most?  marked improvement ? looked and felt?
结论：论者的描述非常不科学，缺乏说服力。要增加说服力，还需要进一步提供有关这次试验的资料
8:00pm----------9:20pm

According to the author, the new Luxess face cream is effective in improving the condition of facial skin. In order to support this assertion, the author cites a study in which most of the volunteers have a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Careful scrutiny of the study reveals numerous problems that render the author’s assertion untenable.

One problem of this argument is whether the group of volunteers can represent the average. In order to make the study believable, the sample must have sufficient number and must do randomly across the entire population spectrum. For instance, if the selected volunteers are all youths, who have strong power of metabolism to recover their skins, and especially those who don not take care of skins in the past, the result of the study is useless. In addition, for the study is to evaluate the efficient of face cream, the sample selected should have special requirement as the average condition of their face skin should generally equal the average condition of the population of Luxess objective. Without these, the sample is less representative. Moreover, on the ground of that the study is build on the sample, the result of the study is meaningless if the sample is null.

Another problem is related to the study itself. How the study takes? By what method? How it use the group of volunteers? Is the study approved by authorities and believable? Many doubts come out attribute to the author refers nothing about the details of the study. Without any authorities’ identification, the study cannot hold its ground, because the corporation can deceive the consumer by the study in order to improve its profit. There are many other possibilities can lead to the result. Perhaps, during this months they pay more attention protect their skins, like go to bed earlier and reduce the time in front of computer. Or perhaps, they stay in a place the condition is better.  Another one that can weak the reliability is the length of the study. The commonsense told us that to prove a cosmetics effect, one month is not enough, for most of cosmetics are chemistry that may have effects during a long time. And the study did not get rid of the effect of the mild soap. It maybe the soap that improved the skin. From the study, we have no idea of whether this face cream can last long effect or do harm to our skin.

The result of the study is also unbelievable because the improvement that happened is just the feeling by the volunteers, not through any examinations. The better feeling may cause by the volunteers’ mental effect but not by the effect of the cream. Without any authoritative examination, the author cannot come to the conclusion that it is the Luxess face cream that makes the improvement. There are many other small problems in the author’s assertion. Like how much percentage dose most volunteers take up of the group? And what exactly the marked improvement is?   

In sum, the author’s argument is not scientific and lack of persuasiveness. To make the argument more believable based on the study, the author should give the details of the study, show out the representative of the sample, and give the authorities’ approve of study reliable.

:)第一次写，因为版主给出了很多好的论点所以觉得没有issue难，可是写了好久，就是憋不出来啊。写的时候老是被时态弄晕。。给点建议阿。
处女作一定猛拍阿。

[ Last edited by mvpzhuang on 2005-7-21 at 07:53 ]

mvpzhuangUID：205051

自己顶一下  
怎么没人拍阿  555555

mvpzhuangUID：205051

是不是写得太多了？
好像有点杂？

mvpzhuangUID：205051

但愿明早起来 会有人回拍。。。。可怜的我等了半天

逗逗UID：173558

抱歉啊,偶只能帮你顶一下的说, 因为还没有弄啊狗,不要鄙视我哈
有ISSUE 俺一定看哈

mvpzhuangUID：205051

还是谢拉  现在沉得太快了。。

硬柿子UID：204138

Argument76------The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.
"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."
A.那些志愿者是否有足够的代表性？
B.提到的科学研究是如何进行的？数据是如何处理的？权威度和可信度如何？
C.试验结果质疑。 (Most?  marked improvement ? looked and felt?
结论：论者的描述非常不科学，缺乏说服力。要增加说服力，还需要进一步提供有关这次试验的资料
8:00pm----------9:20pm

According to the author, the new Luxess face cream is effective in improving the condition of facial skin. In order to support this assertion, the author cites a study in which most of the volunteers have a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Careful scrutiny of the study reveals numerous problems that render the author’s assertion untenable.

One problem of this argument is whether the group of volunteers can represent the average. In order to make the study believable, the sample must have sufficient number and must do randomly across the entire population spectrum. For instance, if the selected volunteers are all youths, who have strong power of metabolism to recover their skins, and especially those who don not take care of skins in the past, the result of the study is useless. In addition, for the study is to evaluate the efficient efficiencyof face cream, the sample selected should have special requirement as the average condition of their face skin should generally equal to the average condition of the population of Luxess objective. Without these, the sample is less representative. Moreover, on the ground of that the study is build on the sample, the result of the study is meaningless if the sample is null.

Another problem is related to the study itself. How the study takes? By what method? How it use the group of volunteers? Is the study approved by authorities and believable? Many doubts come out attribute to the author refers nothing about the details of the study这句话谓语动词很多啊，注意语法. Without any authorities’ identification, the study cannot hold its groundground 这个词语出现很多次，换个, because the corporation can deceive the consumer by the study in order to improve its profit. There are many other possibilities can lead to the result. Perhaps, during this months they pay more attention protect their skins, like go to bed earlier and reduce the time in front of computer. Or perhaps, they stay in a place the condition is better.  Another one that can weak the reliability is the length of the study. The commonsense told us that to prove a cosmetics effect, one month is not enough, for most of cosmetics are chemistry that may have effects during a long time. And the study did not get rid of the effect of the mild soap. It maybe the soap that improved the skin. From the study, we have no idea of whether this face cream can last long effect or do harm to our skin.

The result of the study is also unbelievable because the improvement that happened is just the feeling by the volunteers, not through any examinations. The better feeling may cause by the volunteers’ mental effect but not by the effect of the cream. Without any authoritative examination, the author cannot come to the conclusion that it is the Luxess face cream that makes the improvement. There are many other small problems in the author’s assertion. Like how much percentage dose most volunteers take up of the group? And what exactly the marked improvement is?   

In sum, the author’s argument is not scientific and lack of persuasiveness. To make the argument more believable based on the study, the author should give the details of the study, show out the representative of the sample, and give the authorities’ approve of study reliable.

用词方面还要加强，这也是我一直在努力的~~~加油~~~~
这篇文章我今天才要写，因此不能给你很具体的建议，还望海涵~~~

mvpzhuangUID：205051

多谢多谢  
你的文章呢？我回拍阿

mvpzhuangUID：205051

同主题的 顶起三
一定回拍

aimei2005UID：2119194

mvpzhuangUID：205051

没问题  互拍三
写了就发联结 一定拍的

kito9695UID：209685

argument76 同主题 第一次写 拍阿拍阿 有志之士都来拍阿。。

Argument76------The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.
"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."
A.那些志愿者是否有足够的代表性？
B.提到的科学研究是如何进行的？数据是如何处理的？权威度和可信度如何？
C.试验结果质疑。 (Most?  marked improvement ? looked and felt?
结论：论者的描述非常不科学，缺乏说服力。要增加说服力，还需要进一步提供有关这次试验的资料
8:00pm----------9:20pm

According to the author, the new Luxess face cream is effective in improving the condition of facial skin. In order to support this assertion, the author cites a study in which most of the volunteers have a marked improvement in the way（感觉有点别扭） their skin looked and felt. Careful scrutiny of the study reveals numerous problems that render the author’s assertion untenable.

One problem of this argument is whether the group of volunteers can represent the average. (感觉这里如果直接写成肯定的说法会比较好eg：One problem of this argument is that the group of volunteers can not represent the average.)In order to make the study believable, the sample must have sufficient number and must do randomly across the entire population spectrum. For instance, if the selected volunteers are all youths, who have strong power of metabolism to recover their skins（别扭）[/color], and especially those who don not take care of skins in the past, the result of the study is useless. (why?没有说清楚，为什么这样结果就没用阿)
In addition, for the study is to evaluate the efficient of face cream, the sample selected should have special requirement as the average condition of their face skin should generally equal the average condition of the population of Luxess objective. Without these, the sample is less representative.
Moreover（这句是这段总结吧，是不是应该用Therefore之类）, on the ground of that the study is build on the sample, the result of the study is meaningless if the sample is null.

Another problem is related to the study itself. How the study takes?（How does the study take?） By what method? How it use the group of volunteers? [color=Black](How does the it use the group of volunteer?细节地方楼主要注意了，在这里丢分就不值了) Is the study approved by authorities and believable? Many doubts come out attribute to the author refers nothing about the details of the study. （怎么出现了多个谓语动词？！）[/color]Without any authorities’ identification, the study cannot hold its ground, because the corporation can deceive the consumer by the study in order to improve its profit. [color=Black]（仿佛论述有转换，是否可以分段？）
There are many other possibilities can lead to the result. Perhaps, during this months they pay more attention protect their skins, like go (going) to bed earlier and reduce(reducing) the time in front of computer. Or perhaps, they stay in a place (where) the condition is better.  Another one that can weak the reliability is the length of the study. The commonsense told us that to prove a cosmetics effect, one month is not enough(两个单句之间应该有连接词才好吧), for most of cosmetics are chemistry that may have effects during a long time. And the study did not get rid of the effect of the mild soap. It maybe the soap that improved the skin. From the study, we have no idea of whether this face cream can last long effect or do harm to our skin.

The result of the study is also unbelievable because the improvement that happened is just the feeling by the volunteers, not through any examinations. The better feeling may cause by the volunteers’ mental effect but not by the effect of the cream. Without any authoritative examination, the author cannot come to the conclusion that it is the Luxess face cream that makes the improvement. There are many other small problems in the author’s assertion. Like how much percentage dose most volunteers take up of the group? And what exactly the marked improvement is?   

In sum, the author’s argument is not scientific and lack（lacks） of persuasiveness. To make the argument more believable based on the study, the author should give the details of the study, showing(showing) out the representative of the sample, and give the authorities’ approve of study reliable.

说两点主要感觉：
1、楼主考虑了很多影响因素，在文章中都提到了。但是，行文的逻辑组织的并不是很有条理，有点堆砌之嫌。因为逻辑是GRE写作中最重要的，甚至超过语言和句式。
可以只检主要漏洞来批，有些次要的细枝末节可以不写，这样文章会更显紧凑。
2、作者比较容易出现一些细小的错误，如果在考试中因此扣分就不值了。文字略显冗长，多余的在考试中可能会占用时间甚至出现语法错误，以后可以适当压缩。

总的来讲，楼主处女作已经写得很不错了，在下是一直在鸡蛋里挑骨头罢了，还有很多地方只是个人愚见，不见的正确，还请楼主批判的接受~

以下是我发过的文章，有空去拍，一起加油！！也欢迎其他同学去拍~
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=

[ Last edited by kito9695 on 2005-7-21 at 16:38 ]

mvpzhuangUID：205051

Many doubts come out attribute to the author refers nothing about the details of the study. -----改成--------Many doubts, which is attribute to the author who did not tell us the details of the study, come out.
The commonsense told us that to prove a cosmetics effect, one month is not enough, for most of cosmetics are chemistry that may have effects during a long time. -----改成---------The commonsense told us that to prove a cosmetics effect, one month, for most of cosmetics are chemistry that may have effects during a long time, is not enough.
这样是不是好点啊？
我自己也发现了楼上所说的问题。。。基本功太差了。。。哎。。一个月。不敢考了。。
谢谢
晚上回拍

jamesprcUID：2119791

如何删除回复？

[ Last edited by jamesprc on 2005-7-25 at 10:39 ]

jamesprcUID：2119791

According to the author, the new Luxess face cream is effective in improving the condition of facial skin. In order to support this assertion, the author cites a study in which most of the volunteers have a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Careful scrutiny of the study reveals numerous problems that render the author’s assertion untenable.

One problem of this argument is whether the group of volunteers can represent the average. In order to make the study believable, the sample must have sufficient number and must do randomly across(must randomly cover) the entire population spectrum. For instance, if the selected volunteers are all youths, who have strong power of metabolism to recover their skins, and especially those who don not take care of skins in the past, the result of the study is useless. In addition, for the study is to evaluate the efficient of face cream, the sample selected should have special requirement as the average condition of their face skin should generally equal the average condition of the population of Luxess objective. Without these(Without this precondition), the sample is less representative. Moreover, on the ground of (去掉of?)that the study is build on the sample, the result of the study is meaningless if the sample is null.

Another problem is related to the study itself. How the study takes? By what method? (How and by what method is the study taken?短句太多，注意语法How it useuses the group of volunteers? Is the study approved by authorities and believable? Many doubts come out attribute to the author refers nothing about the details of the study.病句 Without any authorities’ identification, the study cannot hold its ground, because the corporation can deceive the consumer by the study in order to improve its profit. There are many other possibilities can lead to the result. Perhaps, during this months they pay more attention protect their skins, like go to bed earlier and reduce the time in front of computer. Or perhaps, they stay in a place the condition is better.  Another one that can weak the reliability is the length of the study. The commonsense told us that to prove a cosmetics effect, one month is not enough, for most of cosmetics are chemistry that may have effects during a long time. And the study did not get rid of the effect of the mild soap. It maybe the soap that improved the skin. From the study, we have no idea of whether this face cream can lastcause long term effect or do harm to our skin.

The result of the study is also unbelievable because the improvement that happened is just the subjective feeling by the volunteers, not through any objective examinations. The better feeling may cause by the volunteers’ mental effect but not by the effect of the cream. Without any authoritative examination, the author cannot come to the conclusion that it is the Luxess face cream that makes the improvement. There are many other small problems in the author’s assertion. Like how much percentage dose most volunteers take up of the group? And what exactly the marked improvement is?   

In sum, the author’s argument is not scientific and lack of persuasiveness. To make the argument more believable based on the study, the author should give the details of the study, show out the representative of the sample, and give the authorities’ approve of study reliable.
总体问题不大，语法错误要注意，建议用word好好改改。
结构上，我认为第一点和第二点的前半部分都是关于实验方法，可归于一点。然后第二点批结果的模糊性和主观性。最后第三点让步假设皮肤确实改善了，列举它因，香皂，少活动多休息，不用电脑等

我的同样拜托了
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=